my third day on the job

Today I was the primary tutor with my student. It was nice not shadowing, and as expected I found myself somewhat inept at certain things. My student did rather well considering the amount of change and the confusion of having three people attend to him (his current tutor, my supervisor, and me) He had some problems later in the day, and grabbed at me rather hard. I now have a nice little mark on my neck. It's not that noticeable anymore though. He was just trying to get my attention though, no harm intended. I was pleased that I didn't come close to getting angry. I'm glad because that means he'll grab less and less, because anger is attention, and when he grabs he wants attention. Getting angry is reinforcing the behaviour.
I'm looking forward to my second day working with my student on a more one on one basis. I think it will be somewhat easier once his current tutor is out of the classroom. The fellow is very nice, but having both of us ends up sending conflicting messages.
A lot of information was thrown my way today, which was very helpful. I'm relatively sure I'll be able to remember it, and tomorrow I'll be taking data on my outfits sheets rather than on blank page. The data sheets help me do the tasks. It's easier to keep track of what's going on, and keep everything consistent when you have to write it down.
I did a Relatively good job with DT (discrete trials). It was my first time doing DT with an actual student. During my training in DT I practised on other trainees, and they on me. It was useful, but trainees don't read into unintentional patterns or get distracted when reinforcement is slow in coming.
I do realise now what one of my main problems was. During DT I should have put him at a lower phase. I was performing the trials at a higher level of skill than he had. I won't get into numbers or anything as you needn't know them, but I'll be going close to the bottom tomorrow and then working up to see what level he's at.

It was a good day, and I enjoyed it. It's nice working with my student, he's a very cool kid. I really hope my training helps him out (it should, the technique my outfit uses is the only proven treatment for autism).


Tomorrow should be good.

day two, timing it full.

my second full day of work was rather nice. I observed similar things as I had the day before, and today I took data. It's nice having evidence to back up improvement or decline. The current people haven't been very good about data. It's just not something that they do. The outfit I work for is very very good about taking data. Everything we do has to be supported by evidence. It's a very nice set up.
I'm sure I'll have more to say once I am the only tutor on the case, but it will mostly be training(for student not me). the methods remain the same, we just change the goal a little bit each time I expect immense improvement.

Changing my habits.

I really shouldn't be up right now. It's only one forty AM. That's about two hours before I would normally begin to get tired. The only thing that changes all this is that tomorrow I am getting up at six thirty. That's less than five hours away. I shouldn't try to go on five hours of sleep. It's just not normal for me to go to bed at this time though. I suppose I could manage it, but some nights you just don't have any sleep in you. this is one of those nights. I don't really have to wake up bright and early at six thirty though. It takes me a little more than thirty minutes to get to work, and I don't need to be there until eight thirty, but for some reason I insist on waking up two hours early, to make sure I'm on time.
That's been a problem in the past. I used to be hours early to everything. This isn't very convenient. Let's just say I got very well into the habit of always carrying a book. It's not that bad anymore. I'm sure that once I get into a flow I'll figure things out, but right now it's still a little odd. If I'm lucky I'll be asleep by two thirty. I don't know if I care right now though.

I really should be asleep right now.

First Full Day of Work

Today was my first full day of work. I was really just shadowing someone today, and will be again tomorrow, but I was at the school all day, interacting somewhat with my future student. It was nice. The fellow who's going to be my student is very interesting. he's a nice kid. He's non-vocal, but likes very much to communicate. His only problems generally have to do with not being understood. he's getting better at using PECS (picture exchange communication system) and hopefully once I start things will be even more smooth.
The fellow who teaches the class proper is very nice, as is my students current tutor. The current tutor has been with him for four years, and things have fallen into a routine. That's one of the problems. It's likely to happen with anyone. The student is very bright, and has perfected, to an art, getting people to do things for him. He takes cues that you didn't know you were giving. His current aide prompts him more than necessary, and after all, he has been with him for four years, even back when he needed so much prompting.
Not much data is being taken on the students improvement though. One of the key things about the way that I've been trained (and the things I already know about behavioural therapy) is that it all must be observed carefully, and recorded. They don't really know how well or how badly the student is doing because they haven't been keeping track meticulously. I've never been someone who liked keeping records. I rather hate it in fact. But in this instance it's the best way to do things.
There are a lot of open opportunities to apply various behavioural techniques. These opportunities aren't being used now, but I'm excited to exploit them myself. This kid is quite awesome, and I think that if we tighten up the program, get the trials in order (behavioural training, not like draconian stuff, more like. Do this, get a reward.), and shake things up a little he should do really well. It's sad that he's as disabled as he is. If we had gotten in, doing the ABA (applied behavioural analysis) when he was young, he would blend in with any normal thirteen year old. Walking around, he does. He probably won't have that anytime soon, but I think we can improve things for him a lot. It's going to be exciting.


and that was just the first day.

finally I start my job

Tomorrow I finally start working with kids. It's going to be very nice. I'm looking forward to it. From what I've heard the kid I'm working with is awesome. It's going to be great.
It's nice getting out of a slump where most days are spent almost wholly inside. I can't say I like that. In heat like this it's hard to get yourself out, and it is awfully tempting when you can just sleep in and sit at the computer all day.
It will be very very nice to get to work.
I've been waiting for a while.

an update

I felt it time for another post on my oft neglected blog. I haven't a good excuse for not writing blog posts, excepting perhaps lack of readership. Things have been very unusual in my life lately. I needn't go into the details, but the world is unhappy with me.
Despite some problems Many good things are happening too. I recently got a job working with Autistic children, which I'm expecting will be very fun and interesting. It also may give me more to write about.
I've also been working on a book. It needs much work, but I have finished the first draft and am happy with the characters and storyline. The other pieces need polish and expansion, etc, but that comes with time.

I have also been writing songs. I only have three I care to perform at this point in time (I've written more than three, but a good number of them 5 or 6 are better left unheard) I think that a seven song set would be enough for a first show. I'm not sure how I'd go about it, but I only need to write three more suitable songs for a set (I've one relatively good cover)
I'll of course continue to post and rant and rave on this blog, though the frequency may be uncertain.

If you want to see a slightly more frequent number of postings from me check out my tumblelog snowisjustfine.tumblr.com

Primaries

Tomorrow is the California primary. I'm voting for Obama. I have not drunk the coolaid, but hes the least shitty of a group of shitty options. At least he's smart enough to act like he doesn't like war. I don't think my vote will make much of a difference, and I've questioned the morality of voting when all it's doing is legitamising a system which gives us the same shmucks why convincing us that we have some sort of power over what happens.
I'm voting because I might as well take the ten minutes out of my day that it will take, and I care about local measures. The primary doesn't really matter, it's the local things that I want to vote for.

I'll save more ranting until tomorrow or some other time.

Pills

Every morning I take six pills. This is sort of fitting as the number I used to do everything in was six. I would touch the door handle six times, check the lock six times etc. There are people who definitely take more, and there are people who take less. To be completely fair only four of them are prescribed.
I have two Fluoxetine (prozac) two wellbutrin (bupropion) and two Ginko biloba suplements.
The prozac is for OCD the wellbutrin is for depression, and the Ginko is for sexual side effects of prozac. It's quite a fun mess.

It's become part of my routine, wake up-eat-take pills, go to whatever I need to go to. I've even gotten in the habit of carrying my pills with me with me everywhere. Sometimes I'll end up someplace other than home, and frankly a day without pills is horrible. It's not so immediate, so three days without pills is a little like being mildly OCD, but one day is still a perceptible difference.
It's just interesting how these are now a part of my life, and unless I somehow find time to do therapy, will always be. (OCD therapy is like having another university course, there's homework and everything)

it just deserves a certain amount of credence. Sure I'm not drinking and smoking to self medicate or anything (I did do that for a while), but I still have to rely on something artificial to keep me sane. It's a little disturbing.

Getting used to drugs is too long of a process. I don't want to have to take my medicine for a month before feeling any better. I don't want to have more energy but be just as little desire to do things as when I was too tired to leave bed. I would rather just get better right now. Honestly it would be a lot easier if I just got some physical injury. If I broke my leg, then there would be a clear cut way to deal with it and I would have a general idea of how long it would take me to get better. Same with most medical things, but it's not so with mental illness.
Once you're determined to get help and get things figured out it's still months until you feel any better.
I started getting treatment somewhere around January of last year, and yet here it is a year later and I'm still struggling to get things straight. New problems have arisen and some of the old problems aren't so bad, but I sure as hell am still crazy.
The thing is I'm not even that bad off. I caught the signs early, got early help, had a relatively mild case (at least I think so) if it's this bad for me, then how bad must it be for schizophrenics and manic depressives? How much time is lost to being crazy. Statistically the majority (don't quote me but it's higher than eighty percent) of people will get some sort of mental illness or defect sometime in their lives. you probably know someone with something wrong with them.
Frankly it just sucks.
I still don't really want to tell people that I'm obsessive compulsive, or depressed. I don't know how to explain it.
Depression is fairly common though.
even the common things are hard to admit too.
There's such a stigma, and healing takes such a long time, and while you're healing the entire world is that much harder to deal with.
It's so gradual, getting back to a base level of existence.
I've just about had enough of it, but of course it's likely to keep going, and it's not going to be a short process.

I Hopefully will soon be fixed. Today I got a new prescription from my psychiatrist, and as soon as that kicks in I should be alright. I managed to avoid complete failure in the whole staying in school front, and it seems that I should be able to right my wrongs sooner rather than later. We'll see.

I'll keep ya'll updated.

Rainy days

I have an unusual affinity for rainy days. I love the smell of freshly rained on dirt, and the feel of cold drops hitting my forearms. Davis winters are so perfect for me. I don't have to shovel snow as I had every winter before coming to Davis. I don't have the obligatory two power outages that winter always would bring. I just have water coming down from the sky and making the world spring up green around me.
There are other pluses of course, Like not feeling guilty for staying inside all day and reading. The extra time for homework is also nice, because you aren't wasting a sunny day on homework.
I think that some of my love for rain comes from my interest in plants. I adore plants. There is something very nice about the way a plant lives. I like the things that everyone else likes about plants, like food and flowers and scents, but I like the little things too. I like the little tendrils that vine plants send out to hold on to their surroundings. I like the way that plants lean towards the light. I like the way that their inner workings are structured, the phloem and xylem, the meristem and the endodermis.
So rain has a lot for me to love. I also love the relation my mind always makes with Ireland when rain begins to pour down. I'm enough Irish to say that I'm Irish, and I like the culture (what I know of it) enough that I'd seriously consider living there. There's just something that feels very like home when I see a field of green and rain siphoning out of the sky in sheets.
Today with the rain falling down more than it had been during any other part of the school year I felt very at home. I came to campus with no umbrella and no jacket and walked from my class to the MU holding a copy of the Aggie above my head. The sound of rain hitting the branches above me calmed my mind down.
I saw a girl walking with no covering, smiling to herself as if the world were absolutely perfect. She had her head phones on and on every surface of her face the smile was spread. This was a kindred spirit, unless she had just been proposed too, or just aced a test, she was indeed a kindred spirit. There is nothing as refreshing as walking about in the rain.
It washes everything down, including us. I never understood the symbolism behind having rain coincide with depression in film. The rain is refreshing. Maybe you don't agree, but if you just give it a chance and cherish the beautiful drops of water, the spinning polar molecules of an Oxygen and two Hydrogen atoms, perhaps rainy days will bring a full face smile to you too.

a typical day

When I walk down the paths and streets of our city I watch people. I know this isn't unique. Moments of simple bliss taken from the nearly imperceptible flow of people are common, at least if there's any justice in this world. All mind's fill with ideas of the nature of classmates, coworkers and passersby. All minds collect stories, long and short, false and true. All minds make up tall tales to accompany the odd observations which slide before our eyes.
Some of us make slightly more ridiculous stories. There's no harm in this, it is from this tendency which fiction is born. Even fewer of us believe, if only for the fevered moments in which the thrall of fear and anxiety takes us, the myths we construct.
Many of the things in our world provide potential for death and destruction. Think of fire alarms. The shiny red handle so tempting; screaming to be pulled. If I pull it, what happens? Death. People rush out of their seats, running about as if the world were to end. The slower among us, as if we were in a sped up nature film, are picked off, and gradually are trampled by the remainder of the herd.
Just as in nature and in the world at large this destruction and mayhem has a pattern. it is only the weak who are destroyed, who are trampled. Today those who are weak are wearing white shoes. They are wearing the colours red and green. They are easily labelled for anyone to see.
When, not if but when, that fire alarm is triggered by some menacing person these people will die. I am that menace. I am seated next to the fire alarm, and when I feel the power arching through my fingers, when I feel the urge to reach for the lever, I will strike a death blow on the unsuspecting weak.
I don't pull the alarm, and no chaos ensues, but as I leave the room I touch my left shoulder to my left ear six times, and wait for a S.W.A.T. team to speed around the corner in pursuit of the mass killer, me.
That is how life is for me. This is not a bad day, but a normal one. I am not haunted by the fear of killing because I've done it I am haunted for a more perverse biochemical reason.
This is OCD.
OCD is exactly as it sounds Obsessive and Compulsive. I Obsess over things, particularly things which no one else would give a second thought to, and I Compulsively do things. It's a very straightforward name for a very ordered disorder. I could bore you with the DSM IV-TR definition of OCD or the biochemical screw ups that help to cause it. All you absolutely need to know is that my brain doesn't produce enough serotonin, which is the same thing all those clinically depressed people out there don't have enough of. For that reason I take the same stuff they do, just in a higher dose (and some unfortunate individuals take a much higher dose). (and some unfortunate individuals have both OCD and Depression, I happen to be one of them)

How OCD Wasted A Year of My Life

I suppose an update is in order. I've a lot to explain, so I'll likely separate this into multiple posts.
Though I doubt anyone is reading this, I do think someone may in the future. I've been away from writing for two reasons and two reasons only. (or one if you want to be over simplistic)
Over the first year and first quarter of my second year at UC Davis, I've been suffering from OCD and depression. It's been "interesting"

I've had troubles in my academics, in my life in the outside world, and in simply existing. I'm not one to blame everything bad that happens on some external source, however I can't help but feel that my failures have not been my fault.

The story starts with my turn from simple tics and habits to full on rituals.
I'm not able to tell when the change truly was, as I've had obsessive compulsive tendencies my entire life, but somewhere in the fall quarter 2007 I went crazy.
Six is my number, I do many things in sixes. I do fewer things now that I'm medicated, but the medication only lessens the urges, it doesn't manage to quell them.
I had a number of rituals, but for expediency I will refrain from listing them all. The most common, and most marked rituals were these: I would touch my left shoulder to my left ear in some multiple of six (very hard to hide), I would turn in a clockwise circle for some multiple of six times, and I would lick car tires while walking past them.

These were only the most notable visible acts which I indulged in during my first year here at Davis. more troubling were the thoughts that filled my head.
every day, for what seemed like many hours (time goes much more slowly when you are afraid) I would see vivid mental images of my girlfriend's death.
I can call up many a scenario, and nearly everything in this world has some potential as an instrument of death.
The most prominent visions were those of Julie being hanged, of Julie being burnt at the stake, and of me slamming Julie's head against the corner of a table.

Of course these images were distressing. It felt like I spent more time in the foetal position during that year than I had as a foetus.

It took me until winter quarter to finally get some help (this after a first quarter of a D in chemistry and an F in maths)
I went to the campus counselling centre and made an appointment. I spoke to a rather nice psychologist, sitting in what was normally her chair so as to avoid having my back to the door.
She referred me to a psychiatrist and a specialist in OCD.
The whole process went interestingly enough.

I was unwilling to drive for my first five or so meetings with the OCD psychologist. I took the bus to Sacramento and rode my bike the other two miles to her office. I would come about an hour early, but I did that with everything. I would miss a class instead of showing up late. Tardiness was something I avoided at all costs.
I did this until the meds I got from my psychiatrist kicked in a little and the overwhelming feeling that I was going to kill someone with my car left me long enough for the drive to Sacramento.

I kept on with the drugs, gradually upping them to my current dose (which it turns out is still too, low. However that is for another time) And eventually I began to succede in some classes. Throughout my First year I got at least one A every quarter. This didn't significantly raise my grades enough to keep me out of academic probation, but somehow I managed to avoid complete dismissal.

Summer came and I went back to working at camp in Tahoe. It was good as my girlfriend was working with me (she had been in Boston the entire year). I stopped going to my psychologist because it was too much work. While one is working and studying and living it is too much to try to work out ones issues.
Psychotherapy for OCD is different than for other disorders. It is technically called CBT cognitive behavioural therapy. The essential basis to this treatment is that the person must do that which they are afraid of until they are desensitised. This means spending those hours you used to spend trying to avoid thinking about horrible things, intentionally thinking about those horrible things.

I had some minor problems over the summer, usually spurred by a lack of medication (it took much more effort to renew prescriptions away from my psychiatrist) but overall the summer was much much better than the school year, and I began to believe I was getting better, maybe at a standard that I could live with.

I went back to school and started working on two classes which I had done poorly on while unmedicated. In this whole plan I didn't intend to spend every day of the week lying in my bed with the curtains drawn.
I would come home from class, and the first things I would do would be to strip, and hop in bed.
I didn't shower, I didn't do the laundry, and I most certainly didn't do homework.

I slept, or sometimes cried.

No longer were my bouts of crying fully explained by horrible images, now they just came.
I just felt unbeleivable sadness about things that shouldn't have bothered me nearly that much. I swear that I slept more hours of the day than I was awake.
I don't fully know where my quarter went, but for some odd reason I didn't think to question my depression untill the end of the quarter.
I've still yet to make my new appointment with my psychiatrist.
I left that first partially medicated quarter with an F, a D and a C. the first time I have not gotten at least one A.
Today I got an email saying that without some serious hoop jumping I would be dismissed from the university.
I had expected this, but I am not looking forward to talking to all of these functionaries, telling them about my insanity, with papers and medical records to prove.

I'm guessing that this is one of three (four if I'm being pessimistic) things they would accept as reasons to not dismiss someone.
1. serious mental illness
2. Serious physical illness
3 Serious family problem
4. (pessimistic) large contribution to the university by a rich parent, some sort of legacy deal.

I'm sure they'll let me stay, if they don't I'll be fighting it to the end.
I still would rather have been sane this whole time.

In fact, if it were between finishing college and staying sane I would chose sanity.

favoured fixie #6 revisited

I saw the bike in Favoured Fixie 6 again recently and had a short chat with the owner.
the beautiful paint job is covering up an old eitehr ten speed or 3 speed frame from back in the day (much like what I'm converting)
Instead of converting his back wheel, he simply had fixed wheels made, which seems to be the best option (I suppose that means I have to wait for the money of course).
Also, since taking the picture that is up on this site, he has replaced the front fork.
So picture it with a different front fork.
sorry I've no example.

favoured Fixies #8 Davis, CA

I had intended to have a longer break before my next bike posting, but I stumbled upon a fortuitous site (the binachi website which had this exact bike on it) and I simply had to post it up. Luckily it was also the bike that I intended to have as my next in the sequence. It's the Binachi Pista. it seems like quite a nice bike. it's a track bike in it's natural environment. Another Binachi single speed I've seen around here (fixie only because the owner put on a flip flop hub) actually started life as a single speed cyclocross/comuting bike.
who knew.
anywho, do enjoy this bike, I certainly did.
here is the link to it's Binachi posting if you'd like (it's out of my price range, but of course that's why I simply scavenge parts and convert, ah the joys of abandoned bikes)

Favoured Fixies #7 Davis, CA

Otis Redding

I do have a number of other fixies to post, but since the deluge of pictures I've already posted I felt it appropriate to post something else for a change.
I've been listening to Otis Redding as of late. I really cannot express how amazing this man is. Some of the best songs ever written (certainly some of the best known) were written by this guy, " "Respect", and of course "Sittin' on the dock of the bay"

I know this isn't news to anyone, that Otis Redding is amazing, but it's a nice departure from the Punk, Hardcore, and Screamo I've felt like listening to lately.

Favoured Fixies #6 Davis, CA

This fixie (no brakes front or back I might add) is purely beautiful. pictures do not do it justice.
I really wonder how wonderful it must be to ride this.
ahhh.

I feel almost dirty putting pictures of this bike on the Internet, it's like exploitation.

Favoured fixies #5 Davis, CA

this is a rather nice bike I ran into today, it's an old convert with a nice coat of spray paint. I had the luck of speaking with the owner (he came out as I was taking the photos). this bike isn't truly a fixie as it can freewheel, but it is still quite nice. The back hub is actually a BMX hub which makes some serious sense for money saving, the bike is rather nice, and I would quite like it. the gentlemen who owned it was quite niece.

favoured fixies #4 Davis, CA

wowie, there sure are a lot of nice bikes in Davis, especially on a nice sunny day like today.
I've a feeling that with another few days I'll have all of the fixies that go on campus photographed, which will be quite a shame as I'll have nothing else to distract my lens.
luckily I can think of at least one (a lovely gray fixie with a license plate for a spoke card) which I've been lusting after and have yet to see while in the possession of my camera.
on that note here starts a long long set of posts with various fixies I favoured today.

Favoured Fixies #3 Davis, CA

I've got a bit of a thing for those old Peugot bikes. they seem like a lot of fun, and of course are the perfect fixie conversion. this one is rather nice, so nice I even parked my bike next to it on the way to philosophy. you can tell mine by the spray painted racks, the CD front reflector, and the keep Tahoe blue sticker. under all that ugly spray paint and dirt is a beautiful Fuji Royal from the seventies.

Favoured Fixies, #2 Davis, CA

I'm not going to make this blog a bike blog or photoblog or anything drastic like that, but i've been on the outs with writing in it because I've no readers and I've no time. I figure that taking pictures of things that interest me (at this point in time very nice bikes of which there are so many in Davis) and posting them here might give me more interest, if not increase readership.
most of the bikes will be fixies, because until (and likely even after) I get my fixie put together (it may be a while for monetary reasons) I'll be a bit obsessed.

on that note here are some pictures of a lovely fixie I saw in Davis which I would love to draw your attention too.

Favoured Fixies, #1 Boston MA

While I was visiting my girlfriend in Boston I saw this very nice Fixie, since I was with my girlfriend who I see far too infrequently and we were eager to step out of the literally freezing cold into a nice Indian restaurant I was only able to get one good picture, and one horribly blurry one which I won't torture you with.

I like this bike mostly because it's a fixie, thats really the key quality here. the color scheme is nice and all and it certainly seems like a wonderful bike, and I like it even though I much prefer fixies with drop handle bars or bars with a slight upward turn at the ends, but really, I'm on a fixie fix (excuse the pun) so I'd likely like it if it were a converted ten speed about 30 years and three paint jobs out of its prime.

So I just finished my first quarter at UC Davis.
I got an A in my Neurobiology Physiology and Behaviour class. about that I'm quite excited.
in my psych class I did alright, in my chem class I did as well as I expected I would do, and in my math class I did horribly.

the fact is that the class was conducted poorly and I understood little of what was going on.
when I did homework I didn't really understand it, and the things we covered just didn't click.

It's looking like I'll have to retake it.
but I think I can inch it in next quarter, and I guess that's what matters. I really hope that it works out better this time, because really I feel bad for my abysmal performance. the truth is I've never done that badly in anything.

I guess there's a first time for anything. But I was hoping that retaking a college course wouldn't be one of the firsts I encountered.

Ghost World

I never pictured myself as the sort of person who would read comic books.
I've always loved books in general. Reading is definately one of my favorite things to do, but comic books never really caught my eye.
About a week ago I saw this article on BoingBoing.net about the release of the first issue of a particular comic for free on the internet. The comic had been out, but the first issue was going to be free for download.
I didn't have all that much to do so I figured it would do no harm to read it (because I do have interest in some internet comics, but that is definately a bit different than comic books)
the comic was called Transmetroploitan. I read it, and it was absolutly amazing. went ahead and found the local comic book store, and picked up a collection of some of the transmetropolitan comics. while there Ghost World caught my eye. I had heard of it (partly because it had been a movie, which I had not seen btw).
I read the first little bit and it looked good but not perfect. I bought it anyway.


I read it just now (I felt quite dorky, though, I cared less and less the more I got into the story) and it was amazing.
I can't even really describe it.
it's not all that involved, and I'm sure I could explain the story fine, but I could never do it justice.

You have to read it.
well I guess you don't have to, but you'll definately be missing out if you don't.

UCLA Tasering Incident

I'm sure that this has been coverd so much in the past week that its nearly up to overload, but as a UC student myself, and having interest in a preventing abuse of power in organizations more wide reaching than the UCPD, this seemed like something on which I needed to post.
It's possible that as a member of one of UCLA's sister universities I have a different view on this incendet. Not meaning that I don't think it's wrong, more meaning that it also makes me feel that perhaps the people who I am paying to protect me (because I am indeed paying this univeristy for all of their services including those of our police force) are more interested in the power relationship that we as students permit them to have, in interest of saftey, than they are in actualy protecting our safety.
That the prime officer involved in the tasering was only suspended, especialy after a long record of abusive behaviour, is an agregious error on the part of the UCPD.
(a list of these prior incidents in which this officer, one Terrence Duren, has been involved is on boing boing)
I had considered organizing protests at UC davis, but upon hearing that an independent investigation was under way ceased plans. Hearing that the only consequence for absuing someone, and threatening the absue of others who object is a suspension, has renewed my desire to protest.
I don't want to, and indeed dont intend to, pay for a police force which beleives itself to be above question.
We'll see what happens.


With any luck we can gradualy weed out all of the Terrance Duren's in our police forces, and stop paying to be abused.

EMT Jobs

It's almost time for me to begin looking for a job. Among other things, that means that I will soon either have to trim or shave my beard, or at least try to groom it. I've been hoping for a serious job on a ALS ambulance, but looking at job openings that seems less and less likely. This summer I'm intending to work (for the last time) at the summer camp I've been working at for the last few years. Taking two months off is not conducive to a good employer employee relationship. For these reasons I may have to take a small inconsequential transfer job on a bls transfer bus. this wouldn't be bad in and of itself because hours would be better and I'd have some expirence to show for future job searches, but it doesn't feel like real medicine. its important to have good transfer services, but that's not what prehospital emergency care is about. I'm not an emergency medical technician to take stable patients from one place to another. I want to deal with real medical issues, and wil trauma, and with darting through trafic at 2 AM with a gunshot patient in the back of my bus. it feels like that would be the best use of my skills, and i'm afraid that a transfer bus might just allow my skills to atrophy.
if I can get a job with a ALS bus, that's all the better, but if it has to be transfer so be it.
I also must say that I don't slight transfer service as unimportant, it's simply not for me.

oh, and incase you didn't catch on bus is the shorter slang for ambulance.

Midterms

You wouldn't expect my posting to go up durring midterms, but somehow that seems to be what's happening.
perhaps more time spent on the computer means more time for procrastination of the blogging sort.
I'm thinking that thats likely the case.

My RSS feed now works

the title says it all.
I have my rss feed working again. there are subscription links on the right side of the screen.
thank you so much for reading.

Eating Red Meat increases risk for a certain type of breast cancer

According to a Harvard run study red meat increases a womans risk for a certain type of breast cancer. this particular type of breast cancer is hormonaly driven.
Red meat has already been shown to contribute to one's risk for colon cancer.
further study is needed to fully coroborate the findings, but it's not looking good for red meat, or those who provide it.

here's the article from MSNBC

"Red Meat May Raise Breast Cancer Risk"

The Communist manifesto in Cartoon form

this is quite brilliant. the imagery works perfectly for the communist manifesto, and I gather that whichever view you take on communism you could see that interpretation from the images.
though I don't beleive revolution is the answer, some of this rings true, regarding the ever present influence of money on our lives. like so many other groups, it seems that the ideas and intentions of the early communists was not flawed, it was simply their method.

my RSS feed's been on the fritz, and I'm not sure how to fix it, as I'm a few years removed from being the computer geek I was.
I'll figure it out I'm sure, especialy as trouble shooting techniques don't change.
hopefully it'll be fully working soon.

After a good book

After reading a bood book there's always that period of time in which I don't do anything.
maybe I'm in deep thought, or maybe I'm not thinking much at all, but either way I do nothing.
there's really nothing for me to do.
maybe I attend to bodily functions... maybe
but beyond that, I don't do anything.

I can't really talk about a good book right after it either, or during it.
It's like I need time to digest it. to fully have it in my gut.
I never feel like I can explain a book to someone, and though I ask the same question of everyone else, I really don't know what to say when someone asks "what's that about?"
Do I go into the plot line, or do I give a short misrepresentitive summary.
I really don't know. most times I choose the lady behind door 2.



It's a bit nice having that block of nothing after reading a good book. I rarely have a block of nothing. I do badly with empty time. I can relax and do things that aren't work, that I enjoy, but I must be doing them.
sometimes napping, or lying about is it's own thing, but really I'm always thinking at the pace of a jet linner. only after a good book and during meditation do my thought's slow to a pace that people would call normal, or if I'm lucky, to slower.

the point behind all this is that tonight I finished reading a good book
it was "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk (the man who wrote fight club)
I had that period of sitting alone content with rather slow thought.
the moment that state left me, I was writing on a napkin about that state. in my usualy quick thinking slightly OCD state.

Classes so far

my chemistry class is killing me. I should be sleeping right now so I'll be well rested for the mid term tomorow.
the fact is that it's not that hard, I just can't stand it. I gaurantee that Organic Chemistry will be better, so will Biology, Physics, and so on. I just can't really abide by this relatively easy, sort of annoying general chem.
it feels so useless. Ugg, I wish I didn't need this as a basis for basicaly the entirety of the rest of my career.


On the up side my first NPB (neurobiology physiology and behaviour) class is going wonderfully, I think I may be one of the only people in the class who actualy understands it. It feels quite good. for our midterm I already took on thursday I didn't really study, I simply helped other people study. I suppose it's a good thing I understand it when others don't as it's one of my majors.

my psych class is good, it's a bit boring as it's research methods and that's not really all that intriuging, but I get to be a research participant (have research done on me) for the class. It's either that or write essays (because it's unethical to force people into being research participants)
It's quite exciting.
a week from monday I have an expiriment, I'm not sure what it entails, but it's relatively long, so I'm excited.

my math class is a bit annoying, and I have no inclination on how I did on my midterm friday, but we'll see, and then I can tell you more.

In a completely random bit of fact.
I still love Julie.
I wasn't sure if that was evident from my last few posts.
I just didn't feel like having my entire blog dedicated to her, because let's face it, that could get really old really quickly for folks who don't know her, and my readership is small enough as it is.

cycling team

I just went to a meeting of the UC Davis cycling team, and am considering joining. I have to see if I have the money and the will and the time.
I'm really not sure right now. I think with double majoring, working as an EMT, and being a human being, I think I can't pull it off.
but it is awfuly tempting.
oh well.
I have a feeling it won't be happening.

Davis

Davis is just about perfect. I feel quite in place, and I'm getting into the flow of my classes, and I'm meeting a whole lot of interesting people.
basicaly its awesome.
Just last night there was a reading by one of my favorite authors (Joe Meno, he wrote "Hairstyles of the damned" and "the Boy detective fails")
I got him to sign my copy of "the boy detective fails" which I bought at the reading (much more reasonable price than from the bookstore, and I knew the money was going to him because I put it in his hand) and I had him sign the library's copy of "hairstyles of the damned' which I had checked out of the UCDavis library. for a while I wasn't sure, but then I figured, worst they can do is not take it back, and I've wanted a copy of the book for a while. Besides which, a signature from the author adds value.
anywho.
that was quite awesome.

I then went and hung out with a nice girl I met at rite aid.
that sounds quite funny, but in the context of having no money and rite aid being very close is a bit less silly.
she had bought two bags of grocery sorts of items, but had no basket, as I had a basket, had nothing in it, and was headed the same direction I offered to carry the bags.
she was actualy pretty interesting, enjoyed reading and was into jack kerouac big time.
seemed quite awesome.
anywho, I visited with her after the reading. I ended up staying there (it's not exactly what it sounds like). the only down point was that i forgot to set my alarm for my chem discussion which was supposed to be at 8. I slept through it. I have set my alarm though now, ever thursday at 6:30 it'll go off regardless of if I set it. which is good for keeping me from forgetting.
woo for that.


davis has been quite awesome. i've not much more to report as of yet, but I'm sure I will soon.

sunrise

This is relatively awesome photo of the sunrise off of a parking structure in davis. I took it on my cell phone (as my digital camera was not with me) hece quality issues and the such.

finaly the wait is over

Yesterday I moved into my room at UC Davis. I'm quite pleased, not only is the room larger than I expected, all of the stuff I brought was less of a hassle than I expected.
I'm enjoying myself so far, went to a party, talked to random people, so on so forth. It's pretty nice.
I feel very settled, I don't think I'll need time to get used to anything, because this feels right.
thats what I wanted
and I'm glad it's the case.
until I start classes on thursday I expect it to be fairly uneventful, but that's not a problem. When I start classes I'll likely make another post.

the Waiting place

I do believe Dr. Suess described waiting best.

"headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
            
The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a  train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."  
from "Oh the Places You'll go"

That is truly one of the most tiresom things you will ever have to do, wait.
I am normaly rather good tempered about waiting, especialy when it is in the context of something such as a doctors visit.
I'd much rather be early and have to wait, than be perfectly on time and have to rush.
It is only when waiting encroches on my existence that I detest it.
When waiting is all that I do for a month, as I have for the start of school, it is simply intolerable.
or if not intolerable, greatly stressing. I have less trouble existing in a "high stress" busy environment than in one in which all there is for me to do is wait.
I am starting on 15 years of education of one form or another, I would like to get started as soon as I can.
If there were more to do, relevant to my future existence, I would be fine, but once I am accepted and everything is squared away, what am i to do. I certainly can't start studying for classes, and i've already spend hours upon hours researching what i'm going to do after I graduate, why must we start so late.

on a happier note, tomorow I begin my move.
My departure from my childhood home,
and my thankful leaving of this place in which I felt so stifled and constrained.
finaly the day I've hoped for for most of my existence is coming.
and there is no way it will not live up to my expectations
because my expectations are rather simple
I expect that it will be someplace that is not here.

Lantern

This is a wonderful post over at "the examining room of Dr. Charles"
I Highly recomend that you all check it out.

http://scienceblogs.com/drcharles/2006/09/lantern.php

where is this going?

My life is aboslutly wonderful at this point in time, and its very uninteresting, as I haven't started on school yet, still have a few days till I get to that.

Hopefully once I get down to Davis and start on some classes I'll have more to write about.
basicaly this is where the blog is going.

when I get a job as an EMT this will more or less become and EMT blog
then I'll get going on to med school, and this will become a med students blog
then there's residency, and yes a residency blog
then there's fellowship, blog for that too
when I get to actualy practicing, I may or may not keep it.
truth is I may or may not keep it anyways.
On the upside more interesting days are ahead.
as of now this is mostly filled with my ranting (not that that won't be the main feature of it in the future, its simply that in the future the ranting will be about relevant things)


hopefully it will get more interesting soon.
for those of you who have so patiently waited for something to come from all this, the light is at the end of the tunnel, and the time is near.
just wait a little bit longer
thank you

I Know what I want to do with my life. Trauma Surgery.

I feel bad that my last few posts have been things that are generaly only of interest to me.
I don't know if this post will move away from that trent, but hopefully it will .

I have decided what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I am going to become a trauma surgeon.
you may notice that I didn't phrase it "I want to". this is simply because it's not a matter of desire, it's a matter of fact. I AM going to become a trauma surgeon.
this isn't a cocky procolmation, I simply feel that nothing else quite matches me so well. I feel that that is what I am called to do.
This is going to take about 15 years of education, this isn't all classroom education, around 7 of those years are in residency and fellowship.
I have 4 years of undergraduate work durring which I'll get a B.S. In Psychology, and a B.S. in Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavior.
I have 4 years of Medical school, where I will become an MD.
I have 5 years of residency In general surgery.
last, but definately not least, I have 2 (or so) years of Trauma Surgery/ Critical Care Surgery Fellowship.

I am going to UC Davis for my undergrad. I have a short list of medical schools I want to go to
Harvard,
University of Chicago
UC San Francisco
UC Davis
Stanford
Tufts
NYU
Possibly John's Hopkins.
there are other possible schools, but I have to research more (and it is 4 years off)

for residency I have a bit less choice in the matter, but I would LOVE to go to UC San Francisco for my surgical residency, they are one of my top choices (this is partly coloured by having read "Cutting remarks: Insights and recollections of a Surgeon")

and I definately want to do my fellowship if at all possible at the county hospital in L.A. run by USC, (army surgeons used to be sent there to learn how to deal with gunshot wounds because it was the closest to battle that they could get without actualy working on soldiers)

if any of my readers (as few as there are) have suggestions for me, on med schools which are good, residency programs which are good, ideas for med school, study ideas, anything that may help please leave a comment, thank you so much.

who you callin a pussy?

This isn't relevant now. but like a month ago (when i completely forgot to post this) it felt prety right. anyhow. here it is.

It is two thirty in the morning
I suppose that's not a surprise, as I am not one for going to be early.
I'm too alone for it to be perfect.
I never minded being by myself
but being alone never suited me well

I suppose defining the difference would be a good idea.
Being by myself is exactly what it sounds like.
Being alone is not having anyone with whom to relate deeply.

I suppose there are friends
but that's not quite the same
I love my friends, and I enjoy their company.
But there is something else that is not there.

And it is not physical
certainly not physical
I was very physical with my last girlfriend, and this aloneness was still present
I want a companion
and it's a plea I make again and again
a plea I'm sure I will make later
and a plea that I should be ashamed to repeat

not ashamed because it's not a valid plea
ashamed because I state it like a whipped puppy
I state it like a pussy.

Summer 3

So this post will not be in the same "I want to tell you about all of my summer" bent. There is no way I'm actualy going to get to telling you about the whole summer, so I'm not going to try. If I have some post that has nothing but anecdotes from this summer, then it will go on as a "summer #" post, but there will be no chronology, and a lot of things will be skipped.
anywho.

I'm sure the recent deluge of posts about julie have gotten a bit annoying, and as such I appologize for writing yet another one. At least this one isn't in the fassion of the past posts, all melancholic and whiny.

one night at camp I was feeling sort of lonesome. For a few weeks beforehand julie and I had been skirting around the idea of eachother. anyhow, I was feeling lonesome, despite the 10 or so extra people we had at camp that weekend. While I was down being bored watching a movie with a whole bunch of counselors (I'm a staff memeber, meaning I'm sort of like one of thier bosses) Julie and 3 of her friends were upstairs (in the part of the building I technicaly can't be in) watching a different movie.
of course the fact that she was up where I couldn't be, and I was stuck down here watching a movie I didn't care for with people who, though I liked, were not my peers, irked me a bit.
I got a crazy idea in this frame of mind.
I'm the sort of random person who brings a copy of the complete works of shakespear with him to a wide assortment of places, and luckily the name Julie is very simmilar to Julliete.

I went to my room and found my flashlight (by which to read the passage) and a particular passage which I wanted to read.
(the passage was "O what light from yonder window breaks, it is the east, and julliete is the sun)

I climbed out of the hall way window that would lead me more quickly to the open space below the window of the room julie was hanging out in. I gathered some pebbles of good throwing size and shape from the ground, and walked on to the space under Julie's window.
I practiced the passage a few times, my heart beating out of my chest.
and I stood indecisively below the window for a moment deciding if I was really going to do it.
"You know this is probably a stupid idea, it probably won't go over well. but you're going to do it anyways aren't you" I said to myself.

I tossed up a pebble so it would hit bellow the window, and then tossed a few more.
one of Julie's friends came to the window. I asked for julie (the friend looked slightly peeved)
and I started reading the passage.
I'm sure my voice shuddered, and julie was making this nervous laughter, that (despite it's generaly endearing timbre) made me unsure of myself.
I finished the passage, and said "There's more here, but it has lines for you, so I'll just stop"
"I'll be in the staff lounge if you wanna come down and talk"
and then I calmly and cooly (well as calmly as was possible after that)
walked back to the window I climbed out of, climbed back in, and put my things away.
I went into the staff lounge, sat down in a comfortable chair, not really paying attention to anything.
I felt as if I were on a cloud.

Oh, by the way
that stunt went well.

"Any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone."
that's what I said after I was done kissing her outside my dorm building.
I haven't actualy moved into my dorm building yet. We went to see it on a whim.
She left for school in Boston today, and so on saturday we had dinner.
It was a lovely dinner at this open air vegan rastafarian resturaunt.
The kitchen was a large food van (much like those mobile taco stands you see)
the people were friendly, the atmosphere was very nice and chill, and the food was wonderful. (the place is named Roots n Kulchah, very good, check em out, google em if you must)
We walked back towards downtown sac and chilled in the park on the corner of 15th and L (I wish I knew that park's name)
when walking back from the park to my car, we realized that we still had a few hours to chill.
We didn't have a particular plan as to what to do, so we decided we would drive to Davis to see my eventual dorm building.
The drive was nice, but relatively uneventful, we both expressed our disgust for the causeway.
we got to my dorm building, and took a look around, walked about the outside of it, looked to see what it was like. I liked the building.
we started to walk back to the car, I stoped her in the middle of the sidewalk and kissed her.
and we walked the rest of the way back to the car.
in the process of unlocking her door, I kissed her again. and then just sort of didn't stop.
somewhere in this process I dented the side of my car. (it is a geo metro so that's not too hard to d0, the dent still remains). we chuckled about that and after kissing one more time I said that phrase
"any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone"
and I meant it.

I wish I were more dilligent about posting on this blog of mine here. I don't suppose that's really a commitment to change, only another unrealized desire. It's one in a long line of things I would like to do, but not enough to actualy do them. I suppose that would be considered a form of apathy, but I'm really not an apathetic person, I'm usualy quite proactive. I think it simply may be that I have trouble being in that state inbetween doing nothing, and doing everything.
for instance, I have no good reason to not post more on my blog (with the exception of lack of writing ideas) yet I don't go and do it, because I simply am set with being stagnate. If I'm going to be sitting doing nothing and have to battle my OCD and workaholism anyways, I might as well do it all the way.
but of course just making this post is action, and goes against that whole apathy thing.

oh well.

I got a new issue of Punk Planet today. I've been reading that magazine for a good 2 years, It's quite enjoyable. I've always felt comfortable with the general political and social ideals that are found in that punk community. Now simply refering to music, if you confine yourself to punk, well, you're just being stupid, but in many ways punk has had an influence on mondern music of all forms (though of course some would say metal had more, and thats true, but denying punk's influence is simply idiotic)

I'm not sure If I mentioned this before, but I am now a Vegan.
for those of you who don't know, that means I eat no meat (including fish and birds) and no eggs, or dairy, and probably no honey,(i'm still thinking about that one).
basicaly it's a diet which subsides completely on non animal products. oh, I also don't use wool.
And as far as dietairy needs go, protein isn't the big issue as long as you have a ballanced diet, the real issues are B12 Calcium and Iron.
I may start taking suplements, I'm not sure about that. If I keep up the soy milk drinkage I should be alright (as it has calcium iron and b12 added)
I'll see how it goes and continue to avoid anemia. all I can say about that is thank god I'm not a woman, else I'd have more trouble with that.

I may decide to tell yoy more about the decicion to become a vegan later.
Mostly it's a side effect of my being all obbsessive compulsive, when I ate meat (and after I stopped eating meat, dairy had a simmilar effect) I thought too much about where what I was eating came from, and what was killed to make it (or to what's death it was contributing)
It was really rather selfish, I just feel better now. If you feel fine on a meat diet, go ahead and stick with it. Dietary dogmatism is as anoying as religious dogmatism. I like to avoid both.

adios
until further reason to post (aka boredom) arises.

I was walking home from a friends house tonight. I didn't have a flashlight, and the town I currently live in has no streetlights.
I was acompanied only by stars.
walking home I was just letting my thoughts flow, I started thinking about how beautiful it is up here, and how I'd miss that. then I started thinking, "but I won't miss the people", or rather I won't miss the place because of the people.
there are friends who I'll miss, but its more like "I wish my friend were here" rather than "I wish I were there with my friend."
so I think I might have figured something interesting out.
a good way of determining how much you like someone is by figuring out if you'd just want them to be there with you, or if you'd want to be wherever they are.

I either want my friend to be with me
or to be with my friend

and that difference is pretty big.

chill already

i just need to relax a bit.
all that marrriage stuff (well the freaking out about it bit) was overreaction. that doesn't mean it's still not how I feel, it simply means that I needn't overreact so much. I should relax and let things happen. Of course I need to be proactive, but I need to have the grace to accept those things I can't control.

I just need to chill, and I think I'm well on the way to doing that.

obsession anyone?

so this is sort of a post just like the last one, woo haa.

just to give you an idea of why I think I might have found, oh you know.


My friend asked me how it was visiting julie. I said amazing.
my friend asked me what we did. I didn't really have an answer to that.
he asked me how it went (refering sort of to how far I got), I basicaly said not far.
"then why was it amazing"
I didn't really have a great answer for that one either, because it doesn't really make sense. Basicaly I just enjoy being around her. There's not much more to it. I feel comfortable, happy, ok, and just generaly in a good state around her.
and its not just like an "all is right with the world" thing.
its more specific.
The little worries that bother me at other times, the little OCD things that bother the fuck out of my at normal times don't bother me so much. I feel like I can deal with everything better.

ugg

My Posts have been sporadic and rather random, for this I appologize.
I also appologize for ranting about random things that have no effect on your life, and likely are of no interest to you.
even so, here I go again.

This is along the lines of one of the other posts I made called "I've Found"

This will sound ridiculous. I Only know how it will sound to you because of how it sounds to me.
I think I may have found the girl I'd like to marry.

So one problem with being all obsessive compulsive is that it gets hard to seperate disorderly obsessions from actual feelings and needs. This is definately a case of that.
I know that when I have had crushes, they were often partly functions of that obsessive streak of mine.
this is a bit harder to tell.

back to the whole marriage thing. that is completely utterly ridiculous. I'm only 18, marriage should be the last thing on my mind. Of course when I say girl I'd like to marry, I don't mean now. I mean after a good 5 or 6 or how ever many years it takes of being with eachother, then living together, then just...
It's not like I'm thinking of rushing into anything, or like I want to elope this moment. It's more like this is the first time I've thought that maybe this could become a natural progression to somehow spending the rest of our lives together.

after just a month (less even), this isn't the sort of thing I should be considering. this could very well be a product of having my first relationship. I have had girlfriends before, but with them there was no possibility of it going anywhere, emotionaly or otherwise.
I suppose this is a bit the same, because she is moving to Boston, there shouldn't be a possibility of it going anywhere. For some reason I still feel like it could.

the thing is, I wouldn't be surprised if she moved, and then I thought about her every day for a month, then it became every other day, and then every week, and then every month, and by then it wouldn't really matter, she's just be a bit of a memory. but right now, I can't conceive of that as what will realy happen.
I feel almost like I'll go through all 4 years of college, seeing her maybe durring the summers, maybe not, and stil have this feeling like I could grow old with her.

I feel stupid and neurotic posting this on the internet.
everyone has access to this. And I DEFINATELY don't want to tell her any of this, simply because it's a bit insane, a bit obsessive, and supposing there were actualy a chance of growing old with her, might ruin that chance.

so clicking the little publish post button at the bottom of my screen is probably stupid.

but I'm going to push it anyways, in the hopes that maybe It will make me feel better, clear up any confusion I'm having about all of this.
maybe just stating it will make things a bit better.
here's to hoping.

summer 2

after re reading that first post about summer I realized there is no way I can do this chronologicaly, so I wont.
this may be a bit out of order, a bit squished up, and thing will be embelished, but it feels right.

this summer was great
last summer was a bit traumatic, about a week and half into it half of the staff got fired for drinking, mind you I was not part of that half simply because I had Room A that night (each night someone on program staff sleeps in Room A so that counselors can come get us if somthing is wrong with their campers)
our first week and a half went much more smoothly than that. we had a good staff this year.
Everyone had their quirks and inadequacies though.
working at camp is a unique expirience because you both live and work there.
There are some people who are good co workers but you could never live with them, and there are some people who you could live with but never work with, and there are some who you could both live and work with.
camp has all three sorts.
there's also a passive agressive aspect to the way staff deals with eachother (especialy program staff) because you can't always be direct about things, because you have to live with these people and being too direct could hurt the living situation.

the passive agressive-ness, and the little quirks and inadequacies may work in a bit later.

the various weeks were interesting.
one of the weeks we had an important persons child come up to camp, and we knew she was an important persons child (this was also the last year of our long time exectutive director so camps future is in doubt)
with this knowledge we decided we'd try to make her week especialy good, we try to make everyone's week great, but we were basicaly going to watch to make sure she was having a good time.

some crazy things happened, for instance someone in her tent spilled a drink in the cabin, and because we have bears up in tahoe they had to move tents.
and that week we also had a camper (jokingly I hope) threaten rape to one of her tnetmates, and ugg, it was just an insane week
so we weren't sure how the important persons child was, like how good a time she had had, because the week was generaly insane.
a few weeks later we found out that camp had seriously changed her attitude about everything
apparently before she came she was becoming sort of antisocial and rebellious. her family had just made a move or somthing of the sort, and she was depressed and becoming maladjusted.
apparently when she came home she was "a different person"
the parents were pleased, and for all that that works out nicely because of her important father, I think it highlights something important about camp too.
thats how we effect people.
I was basicaly the same, becoming maladjusted and antisocial, and was a bit depressed, and camp made me feel accepted and good about myself, so I was able to come into my own, feel less akward in my skin.


too be continued in Summer 3 ...

summer 1

This will take a while
and for that reason, this post is simply an introduction to my summer, and the posts which will describe it. I may go into too much detail at times, and someitmes I may not elaborate enough, but with any luck this will be a good representation of my summer, and all the joys events that took place durring it.




Summer Part One

(note, this will not all be seperated into nice even weeks, or into nice even days, because some of the summer runs together, but it will be somewhat cronological)


The first week was counselors training, I came a few days late because I had just gotten back from my sisters wedding. I started the week a bit tired
This years counselors weren't particularly good, they failed at many of the team building activites, and as one of the other people there put it "it is a rollercoaster of emotional whatever"

Durring counselors training I had hair down to my shoulders

the next week (or there abouts)
I got the sides of my head shaved and left the center, so I could have liberty spikes
around this time will got half his eyebrow shaved off.
there is a previous post about that

summer to be continued...

I've found

Never try to start a weeklong relationship with anyone no matter how lovely amazing and awesome she is. In fact, the more awesome lovely and amazing she is, the more you shouldn't try it, because anytime you can only start a weeklong thing clearly it has to be over for some reason in a week, and if she's awesome lovely and amazing a week is all it takes to make you absolutly miserable for a good five days after you've left her.
ok, so its only really been like 8 hours, but it feels like five days.
and besides that she'll be in boston in 2 weeks
I should visit her soon, and that'll be great.
but then she's in boston.
this sucks.

makes me think of a line from a song by the format

"suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this, I fall in love far to quickly, I never want her to forget me, when you're gone please call."

if it's any better

Well I haven't been posting all that much, but I'll have a month of downtime in which I won't know what to do with myself, so you'll be getting a crapload of posts then.
I suppose it would be a good time to update on how things are going. I am going to UCD in the fall, and I'm definately double majoring, and I recently went to my orientation and am SOOOOOOO much more sure of my feeling that davis was the place for me. I met some amazing people, pulled an all nighter, got all the classes i wanted. Simply put, it was amazing. There are some issues concerning an economics class I took last year. The grade reported on my transcript is not the grade I received, that is becoming more and more annoying to deal with. It should be fixed rather soon though.
It won't hurt my getting into Davis. (if I can help it).
On a lighter note, I got to hang out with one of my friends last weekend. I hadn't seen her in a while, and that was very nice to hang out. One of my other friends may also be taking a trip up here, so that would be wonderful.
I don't feel like going into details about hanging out with Julie (last weekend), but it was wonderful, I'll prolly update on it later when i have more time.
I am in love with Davis, and I wish it would start the Day after I was done working up here in Tahoe. I will feel so stagnate durring that month of downtime. I'll have to go visit all my friends to keep from feeling useless. On the upside (assuming he doesnt have to go back to his regular job) one of the guys I work with up here and I might take a trip around CA, San Diego to Chico, and chill with friends on the way.
Thats an exciting Idea. We may have to postpone it for a year or two, but if we do it this summer that would be supurb.
I'm excited for school, and my band should have a show in august. I'm also definately going to get a longboard skateboard before going off to Davis, because its just such a good idea, ahha.

I've been rambling about davis all week.

also, while at orrientation, I realized how often i bring biology into conversations. It is actualy ratehr sad. It's almost like I look for an excuse to bring biology into it. Thankfully, I am resigned to the fact that i am an uncureable biology nerd.


Go Davis
Aggie Pride

so I'm not a melancholic dork, really I'm not

I never intended this to be an online journal or a place to post random thoughts, but I fear that that may be what it's becoming.
If that gets to be a bit tedious I apologize and will definitely go back to my old random semi-entertaining postings.

but here goes.


"It's not a monumental revelation of anything, but every relationships you (or rather I) have with a female has some aspect of sexuality to it. Given, it's not always, in fact not usually, the foremost aspect, it is always there. Now if we wanted to get all psychological about this I could incite Freudian logic, but I will avoid that.
I don't know what this has to do with it, but I enjoy the company of girls more. I don't know how much of that is purely the general male demographic of where I live, I think it's mostly because I just like girls more. I would use women, but let's face it, at 18 I'm not likely to be hanging out with anyone who fits the title woman. One odd thing about hanging out mostly with girls is that some f your actions become more feminine, or at least more adrogynous. So while you are hanging out with girls partially with the intention of getting laid, the direction in which your sexual interest pints, comes into doubt.

I want somebody to love.

that isn't really along the lines of what I was saying before. But its one of the few things I'm completely sure of. I'm always up for getting some (with a few exceptions) but that's just a physical biological issue. The want for companionship runs deeper.
I understand that people similar to me (as far as Jungian types are concerned) tend to be dissatisfied with their relational status, but I'm rather sure this isn't just general dissatisfaction.
I.... I get this pitted feeling, this holeishness, this empty feeling when I think of how along I really am, and how far away I am from love of any other sort than friendly. I Know this sounds much like a melancholic rant and to some extent it is, but melancholic rants stick in our heads, grab onto our synapses like barbs. 'to be or not to be' is the perfect example. No more melancholic soliloquy is so propagated. So I don't think it's bad to have this melancholic soliloquy written down.
and what is more appealing than unrequited love? Those who are loved can mock and laugh, or joy at how they are no longer in the same situation, those who aren't can comisterate or drop into denial. But I sup[pose this isn't really a case of unrequited love. I don't really have a particular possible lover in mind. I have potentials, but no particular. I guess I just over think things."


When I'm jealous, I don't think its specific jealousy. For instance, if I am jealous when I see a couple holding hands in public it isn't because I want that particular girl (though obviously to some extent that's a factor) its because I want to be in that situation.

anywell.

half an eyebrow anyone?

So one of the dishboys just got half of his left eyebrow shaven off. It was either that or 163 nut scope tosses.

(definition of nut scope- both players sit oposite ends of the staff lounge, and underhand toss a bottle of scope towards the other persons nuts [testicles])

He got hit 4 times out of 20. Needless to say, playing nut scope hurts.

We have a film of will (the dishboy) getting his eyebrow half shaved off by one of the assistant cooks.

It is hilarious. He looks like he is in so much pain, but he is laughing extremely hard.

He jumped at the chance to get both of his eye brows shaved off. But the possibility of never having his eyebrows grow back moved him down to getting half shaved off.

Father (the guy who runs camp) might not notice will's half eyebrow because of my impending blue liberty spikes.

P.S. I got the mohawk, the spikes didn't work out too well because my hair was too long, so wer trimmed it and just put it into a normal mohawk, I'm sure i'll have pictures soon. I'm going to cut it even shorter though so I don't have to deal with the anoyingness of putting it up.

Sorry for the sparse, not that great, posts I've been really busy. There should be more posts this next week as I have the week off.

Later.