Sunday, May 21, 2006

Epiphany

I do beleive I've had a genuine epiphany. Well, as it seems to be a bit more zen bhudist in nature I'll refer to it as a glimpse of enlightenment.
I've had this realization multiple times, but it was so strong tonight that it felt worth mention.
not even a full second was taken up by the actual expirience.
I was talking to myself in my bathroom mirror. not the usual criticisms and approval remarks that people make to themselves in mirrors, more random comments on things on my mind, tonight that was medicine (the profession, not drugs)
I had a flash of insight when I looked directly at my mirror image
"this is me"
but it wasn't long enough for something that verbal to form.
the thought was too all encompasing for one phrase
there were elements of
"what is existence?"
"do I exist?'
and
"I am going to die"

the most shocking thing about this is that in the past when I am hit with that realization, that I am going to die, a deep seated fear rises its ugly head, but this time I felt calm relaxed and OK about my eventual death.

My eventual death felt right.
that is part of what made this whole thing so surreal. I would never think of my death as right.
I know I will die, and I'll deal with it weather or not I want to, but I am about to go into medicine, the profession of fighting death, I am not naturaly comfortable with my own, or anyonelses death.
It almost makes me think that this calm, is not mine. be it from God, or from some collective conciousness, my own personal halucination, or simply another step on my path to enlightenment, it wasn't something that the me I know would do.

quite a conundrum eh?

2 comments:

Dr. Charles said...

i see that look on some of the older people near death. maybe it was a premonition, and quick preview of some neural pathway awaiting (hopefully in the distant future)

patch615 said...

I think you may be right. I've heard of other people having these sorts of feelings, and they have lived for a very long time. who knows maybe there was somethign to Jung's theory about a collective consiousness.