Thursday, December 21, 2006

So I just finished my first quarter at UC Davis.
I got an A in my Neurobiology Physiology and Behaviour class. about that I'm quite excited.
in my psych class I did alright, in my chem class I did as well as I expected I would do, and in my math class I did horribly.

the fact is that the class was conducted poorly and I understood little of what was going on.
when I did homework I didn't really understand it, and the things we covered just didn't click.

It's looking like I'll have to retake it.
but I think I can inch it in next quarter, and I guess that's what matters. I really hope that it works out better this time, because really I feel bad for my abysmal performance. the truth is I've never done that badly in anything.

I guess there's a first time for anything. But I was hoping that retaking a college course wouldn't be one of the firsts I encountered.

Saturday, November 25, 2006

Ghost World

I never pictured myself as the sort of person who would read comic books.
I've always loved books in general. Reading is definately one of my favorite things to do, but comic books never really caught my eye.
About a week ago I saw this article on about the release of the first issue of a particular comic for free on the internet. The comic had been out, but the first issue was going to be free for download.
I didn't have all that much to do so I figured it would do no harm to read it (because I do have interest in some internet comics, but that is definately a bit different than comic books)
the comic was called Transmetroploitan. I read it, and it was absolutly amazing. went ahead and found the local comic book store, and picked up a collection of some of the transmetropolitan comics. while there Ghost World caught my eye. I had heard of it (partly because it had been a movie, which I had not seen btw).
I read the first little bit and it looked good but not perfect. I bought it anyway.

I read it just now (I felt quite dorky, though, I cared less and less the more I got into the story) and it was amazing.
I can't even really describe it.
it's not all that involved, and I'm sure I could explain the story fine, but I could never do it justice.

You have to read it.
well I guess you don't have to, but you'll definately be missing out if you don't.

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

UCLA Tasering Incident

I'm sure that this has been coverd so much in the past week that its nearly up to overload, but as a UC student myself, and having interest in a preventing abuse of power in organizations more wide reaching than the UCPD, this seemed like something on which I needed to post.
It's possible that as a member of one of UCLA's sister universities I have a different view on this incendet. Not meaning that I don't think it's wrong, more meaning that it also makes me feel that perhaps the people who I am paying to protect me (because I am indeed paying this univeristy for all of their services including those of our police force) are more interested in the power relationship that we as students permit them to have, in interest of saftey, than they are in actualy protecting our safety.
That the prime officer involved in the tasering was only suspended, especialy after a long record of abusive behaviour, is an agregious error on the part of the UCPD.
(a list of these prior incidents in which this officer, one Terrence Duren, has been involved is on boing boing)
I had considered organizing protests at UC davis, but upon hearing that an independent investigation was under way ceased plans. Hearing that the only consequence for absuing someone, and threatening the absue of others who object is a suspension, has renewed my desire to protest.
I don't want to, and indeed dont intend to, pay for a police force which beleives itself to be above question.
We'll see what happens.

With any luck we can gradualy weed out all of the Terrance Duren's in our police forces, and stop paying to be abused.

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

EMT Jobs

It's almost time for me to begin looking for a job. Among other things, that means that I will soon either have to trim or shave my beard, or at least try to groom it. I've been hoping for a serious job on a ALS ambulance, but looking at job openings that seems less and less likely. This summer I'm intending to work (for the last time) at the summer camp I've been working at for the last few years. Taking two months off is not conducive to a good employer employee relationship. For these reasons I may have to take a small inconsequential transfer job on a bls transfer bus. this wouldn't be bad in and of itself because hours would be better and I'd have some expirence to show for future job searches, but it doesn't feel like real medicine. its important to have good transfer services, but that's not what prehospital emergency care is about. I'm not an emergency medical technician to take stable patients from one place to another. I want to deal with real medical issues, and wil trauma, and with darting through trafic at 2 AM with a gunshot patient in the back of my bus. it feels like that would be the best use of my skills, and i'm afraid that a transfer bus might just allow my skills to atrophy.
if I can get a job with a ALS bus, that's all the better, but if it has to be transfer so be it.
I also must say that I don't slight transfer service as unimportant, it's simply not for me.

oh, and incase you didn't catch on bus is the shorter slang for ambulance.


You wouldn't expect my posting to go up durring midterms, but somehow that seems to be what's happening.
perhaps more time spent on the computer means more time for procrastination of the blogging sort.
I'm thinking that thats likely the case.

My RSS feed now works

the title says it all.
I have my rss feed working again. there are subscription links on the right side of the screen.
thank you so much for reading.

Eating Red Meat increases risk for a certain type of breast cancer

According to a Harvard run study red meat increases a womans risk for a certain type of breast cancer. this particular type of breast cancer is hormonaly driven.
Red meat has already been shown to contribute to one's risk for colon cancer.
further study is needed to fully coroborate the findings, but it's not looking good for red meat, or those who provide it.

here's the article from MSNBC

"Red Meat May Raise Breast Cancer Risk"

The Communist manifesto in Cartoon form

this is quite brilliant. the imagery works perfectly for the communist manifesto, and I gather that whichever view you take on communism you could see that interpretation from the images.
though I don't beleive revolution is the answer, some of this rings true, regarding the ever present influence of money on our lives. like so many other groups, it seems that the ideas and intentions of the early communists was not flawed, it was simply their method.

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

my RSS feed's been on the fritz, and I'm not sure how to fix it, as I'm a few years removed from being the computer geek I was.
I'll figure it out I'm sure, especialy as trouble shooting techniques don't change.
hopefully it'll be fully working soon.

Thursday, October 26, 2006

After a good book

After reading a bood book there's always that period of time in which I don't do anything.
maybe I'm in deep thought, or maybe I'm not thinking much at all, but either way I do nothing.
there's really nothing for me to do.
maybe I attend to bodily functions... maybe
but beyond that, I don't do anything.

I can't really talk about a good book right after it either, or during it.
It's like I need time to digest it. to fully have it in my gut.
I never feel like I can explain a book to someone, and though I ask the same question of everyone else, I really don't know what to say when someone asks "what's that about?"
Do I go into the plot line, or do I give a short misrepresentitive summary.
I really don't know. most times I choose the lady behind door 2.

It's a bit nice having that block of nothing after reading a good book. I rarely have a block of nothing. I do badly with empty time. I can relax and do things that aren't work, that I enjoy, but I must be doing them.
sometimes napping, or lying about is it's own thing, but really I'm always thinking at the pace of a jet linner. only after a good book and during meditation do my thought's slow to a pace that people would call normal, or if I'm lucky, to slower.

the point behind all this is that tonight I finished reading a good book
it was "Choke" by Chuck Palahniuk (the man who wrote fight club)
I had that period of sitting alone content with rather slow thought.
the moment that state left me, I was writing on a napkin about that state. in my usualy quick thinking slightly OCD state.

Monday, October 23, 2006

Classes so far

my chemistry class is killing me. I should be sleeping right now so I'll be well rested for the mid term tomorow.
the fact is that it's not that hard, I just can't stand it. I gaurantee that Organic Chemistry will be better, so will Biology, Physics, and so on. I just can't really abide by this relatively easy, sort of annoying general chem.
it feels so useless. Ugg, I wish I didn't need this as a basis for basicaly the entirety of the rest of my career.

On the up side my first NPB (neurobiology physiology and behaviour) class is going wonderfully, I think I may be one of the only people in the class who actualy understands it. It feels quite good. for our midterm I already took on thursday I didn't really study, I simply helped other people study. I suppose it's a good thing I understand it when others don't as it's one of my majors.

my psych class is good, it's a bit boring as it's research methods and that's not really all that intriuging, but I get to be a research participant (have research done on me) for the class. It's either that or write essays (because it's unethical to force people into being research participants)
It's quite exciting.
a week from monday I have an expiriment, I'm not sure what it entails, but it's relatively long, so I'm excited.

my math class is a bit annoying, and I have no inclination on how I did on my midterm friday, but we'll see, and then I can tell you more.
In a completely random bit of fact.
I still love Julie.
I wasn't sure if that was evident from my last few posts.
I just didn't feel like having my entire blog dedicated to her, because let's face it, that could get really old really quickly for folks who don't know her, and my readership is small enough as it is.

Tuesday, October 10, 2006

cycling team

I just went to a meeting of the UC Davis cycling team, and am considering joining. I have to see if I have the money and the will and the time.
I'm really not sure right now. I think with double majoring, working as an EMT, and being a human being, I think I can't pull it off.
but it is awfuly tempting.
oh well.
I have a feeling it won't be happening.

Thursday, October 05, 2006


Davis is just about perfect. I feel quite in place, and I'm getting into the flow of my classes, and I'm meeting a whole lot of interesting people.
basicaly its awesome.
Just last night there was a reading by one of my favorite authors (Joe Meno, he wrote "Hairstyles of the damned" and "the Boy detective fails")
I got him to sign my copy of "the boy detective fails" which I bought at the reading (much more reasonable price than from the bookstore, and I knew the money was going to him because I put it in his hand) and I had him sign the library's copy of "hairstyles of the damned' which I had checked out of the UCDavis library. for a while I wasn't sure, but then I figured, worst they can do is not take it back, and I've wanted a copy of the book for a while. Besides which, a signature from the author adds value.
that was quite awesome.

I then went and hung out with a nice girl I met at rite aid.
that sounds quite funny, but in the context of having no money and rite aid being very close is a bit less silly.
she had bought two bags of grocery sorts of items, but had no basket, as I had a basket, had nothing in it, and was headed the same direction I offered to carry the bags.
she was actualy pretty interesting, enjoyed reading and was into jack kerouac big time.
seemed quite awesome.
anywho, I visited with her after the reading. I ended up staying there (it's not exactly what it sounds like). the only down point was that i forgot to set my alarm for my chem discussion which was supposed to be at 8. I slept through it. I have set my alarm though now, ever thursday at 6:30 it'll go off regardless of if I set it. which is good for keeping me from forgetting.
woo for that.

davis has been quite awesome. i've not much more to report as of yet, but I'm sure I will soon.

Thursday, September 28, 2006


This is relatively awesome photo of the sunrise off of a parking structure in davis. I took it on my cell phone (as my digital camera was not with me) hece quality issues and the such.

Sunday, September 24, 2006

finaly the wait is over

Yesterday I moved into my room at UC Davis. I'm quite pleased, not only is the room larger than I expected, all of the stuff I brought was less of a hassle than I expected.
I'm enjoying myself so far, went to a party, talked to random people, so on so forth. It's pretty nice.
I feel very settled, I don't think I'll need time to get used to anything, because this feels right.
thats what I wanted
and I'm glad it's the case.
until I start classes on thursday I expect it to be fairly uneventful, but that's not a problem. When I start classes I'll likely make another post.

Thursday, September 21, 2006

the Waiting place

I do believe Dr. Suess described waiting best.
"headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.

The Waiting Place...

...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.

Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."
from "Oh the Places You'll go"

That is truly one of the most tiresom things you will ever have to do, wait.
I am normaly rather good tempered about waiting, especialy when it is in the context of something such as a doctors visit.
I'd much rather be early and have to wait, than be perfectly on time and have to rush.
It is only when waiting encroches on my existence that I detest it.
When waiting is all that I do for a month, as I have for the start of school, it is simply intolerable.
or if not intolerable, greatly stressing. I have less trouble existing in a "high stress" busy environment than in one in which all there is for me to do is wait.
I am starting on 15 years of education of one form or another, I would like to get started as soon as I can.
If there were more to do, relevant to my future existence, I would be fine, but once I am accepted and everything is squared away, what am i to do. I certainly can't start studying for classes, and i've already spend hours upon hours researching what i'm going to do after I graduate, why must we start so late.

on a happier note, tomorow I begin my move.
My departure from my childhood home,
and my thankful leaving of this place in which I felt so stifled and constrained.
finaly the day I've hoped for for most of my existence is coming.
and there is no way it will not live up to my expectations
because my expectations are rather simple
I expect that it will be someplace that is not here.


This is a wonderful post over at "the examining room of Dr. Charles"
I Highly recomend that you all check it out.

Wednesday, September 20, 2006

where is this going?

My life is aboslutly wonderful at this point in time, and its very uninteresting, as I haven't started on school yet, still have a few days till I get to that.

Hopefully once I get down to Davis and start on some classes I'll have more to write about.
basicaly this is where the blog is going.

when I get a job as an EMT this will more or less become and EMT blog
then I'll get going on to med school, and this will become a med students blog
then there's residency, and yes a residency blog
then there's fellowship, blog for that too
when I get to actualy practicing, I may or may not keep it.
truth is I may or may not keep it anyways.
On the upside more interesting days are ahead.
as of now this is mostly filled with my ranting (not that that won't be the main feature of it in the future, its simply that in the future the ranting will be about relevant things)

hopefully it will get more interesting soon.
for those of you who have so patiently waited for something to come from all this, the light is at the end of the tunnel, and the time is near.
just wait a little bit longer
thank you

Saturday, September 09, 2006

I Know what I want to do with my life. Trauma Surgery.

I feel bad that my last few posts have been things that are generaly only of interest to me.
I don't know if this post will move away from that trent, but hopefully it will .

I have decided what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I am going to become a trauma surgeon.
you may notice that I didn't phrase it "I want to". this is simply because it's not a matter of desire, it's a matter of fact. I AM going to become a trauma surgeon.
this isn't a cocky procolmation, I simply feel that nothing else quite matches me so well. I feel that that is what I am called to do.
This is going to take about 15 years of education, this isn't all classroom education, around 7 of those years are in residency and fellowship.
I have 4 years of undergraduate work durring which I'll get a B.S. In Psychology, and a B.S. in Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavior.
I have 4 years of Medical school, where I will become an MD.
I have 5 years of residency In general surgery.
last, but definately not least, I have 2 (or so) years of Trauma Surgery/ Critical Care Surgery Fellowship.

I am going to UC Davis for my undergrad. I have a short list of medical schools I want to go to
University of Chicago
UC San Francisco
UC Davis
Possibly John's Hopkins.
there are other possible schools, but I have to research more (and it is 4 years off)

for residency I have a bit less choice in the matter, but I would LOVE to go to UC San Francisco for my surgical residency, they are one of my top choices (this is partly coloured by having read "Cutting remarks: Insights and recollections of a Surgeon")

and I definately want to do my fellowship if at all possible at the county hospital in L.A. run by USC, (army surgeons used to be sent there to learn how to deal with gunshot wounds because it was the closest to battle that they could get without actualy working on soldiers)

if any of my readers (as few as there are) have suggestions for me, on med schools which are good, residency programs which are good, ideas for med school, study ideas, anything that may help please leave a comment, thank you so much.

Monday, August 28, 2006

who you callin a pussy?

This isn't relevant now. but like a month ago (when i completely forgot to post this) it felt prety right. anyhow. here it is.

It is two thirty in the morning
I suppose that's not a surprise, as I am not one for going to be early.
I'm too alone for it to be perfect.
I never minded being by myself
but being alone never suited me well

I suppose defining the difference would be a good idea.
Being by myself is exactly what it sounds like.
Being alone is not having anyone with whom to relate deeply.

I suppose there are friends
but that's not quite the same
I love my friends, and I enjoy their company.
But there is something else that is not there.

And it is not physical
certainly not physical
I was very physical with my last girlfriend, and this aloneness was still present
I want a companion
and it's a plea I make again and again
a plea I'm sure I will make later
and a plea that I should be ashamed to repeat

not ashamed because it's not a valid plea
ashamed because I state it like a whipped puppy
I state it like a pussy.

Summer 3

So this post will not be in the same "I want to tell you about all of my summer" bent. There is no way I'm actualy going to get to telling you about the whole summer, so I'm not going to try. If I have some post that has nothing but anecdotes from this summer, then it will go on as a "summer #" post, but there will be no chronology, and a lot of things will be skipped.

I'm sure the recent deluge of posts about julie have gotten a bit annoying, and as such I appologize for writing yet another one. At least this one isn't in the fassion of the past posts, all melancholic and whiny.

one night at camp I was feeling sort of lonesome. For a few weeks beforehand julie and I had been skirting around the idea of eachother. anyhow, I was feeling lonesome, despite the 10 or so extra people we had at camp that weekend. While I was down being bored watching a movie with a whole bunch of counselors (I'm a staff memeber, meaning I'm sort of like one of thier bosses) Julie and 3 of her friends were upstairs (in the part of the building I technicaly can't be in) watching a different movie.
of course the fact that she was up where I couldn't be, and I was stuck down here watching a movie I didn't care for with people who, though I liked, were not my peers, irked me a bit.
I got a crazy idea in this frame of mind.
I'm the sort of random person who brings a copy of the complete works of shakespear with him to a wide assortment of places, and luckily the name Julie is very simmilar to Julliete.

I went to my room and found my flashlight (by which to read the passage) and a particular passage which I wanted to read.
(the passage was "O what light from yonder window breaks, it is the east, and julliete is the sun)

I climbed out of the hall way window that would lead me more quickly to the open space below the window of the room julie was hanging out in. I gathered some pebbles of good throwing size and shape from the ground, and walked on to the space under Julie's window.
I practiced the passage a few times, my heart beating out of my chest.
and I stood indecisively below the window for a moment deciding if I was really going to do it.
"You know this is probably a stupid idea, it probably won't go over well. but you're going to do it anyways aren't you" I said to myself.

I tossed up a pebble so it would hit bellow the window, and then tossed a few more.
one of Julie's friends came to the window. I asked for julie (the friend looked slightly peeved)
and I started reading the passage.
I'm sure my voice shuddered, and julie was making this nervous laughter, that (despite it's generaly endearing timbre) made me unsure of myself.
I finished the passage, and said "There's more here, but it has lines for you, so I'll just stop"
"I'll be in the staff lounge if you wanna come down and talk"
and then I calmly and cooly (well as calmly as was possible after that)
walked back to the window I climbed out of, climbed back in, and put my things away.
I went into the staff lounge, sat down in a comfortable chair, not really paying attention to anything.
I felt as if I were on a cloud.

Oh, by the way
that stunt went well.

"Any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone."
that's what I said after I was done kissing her outside my dorm building.
I haven't actualy moved into my dorm building yet. We went to see it on a whim.
She left for school in Boston today, and so on saturday we had dinner.
It was a lovely dinner at this open air vegan rastafarian resturaunt.
The kitchen was a large food van (much like those mobile taco stands you see)
the people were friendly, the atmosphere was very nice and chill, and the food was wonderful. (the place is named Roots n Kulchah, very good, check em out, google em if you must)
We walked back towards downtown sac and chilled in the park on the corner of 15th and L (I wish I knew that park's name)
when walking back from the park to my car, we realized that we still had a few hours to chill.
We didn't have a particular plan as to what to do, so we decided we would drive to Davis to see my eventual dorm building.
The drive was nice, but relatively uneventful, we both expressed our disgust for the causeway.
we got to my dorm building, and took a look around, walked about the outside of it, looked to see what it was like. I liked the building.
we started to walk back to the car, I stoped her in the middle of the sidewalk and kissed her.
and we walked the rest of the way back to the car.
in the process of unlocking her door, I kissed her again. and then just sort of didn't stop.
somewhere in this process I dented the side of my car. (it is a geo metro so that's not too hard to d0, the dent still remains). we chuckled about that and after kissing one more time I said that phrase
"any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone"
and I meant it.

Friday, August 25, 2006

I wish I were more dilligent about posting on this blog of mine here. I don't suppose that's really a commitment to change, only another unrealized desire. It's one in a long line of things I would like to do, but not enough to actualy do them. I suppose that would be considered a form of apathy, but I'm really not an apathetic person, I'm usualy quite proactive. I think it simply may be that I have trouble being in that state inbetween doing nothing, and doing everything.
for instance, I have no good reason to not post more on my blog (with the exception of lack of writing ideas) yet I don't go and do it, because I simply am set with being stagnate. If I'm going to be sitting doing nothing and have to battle my OCD and workaholism anyways, I might as well do it all the way.
but of course just making this post is action, and goes against that whole apathy thing.

oh well.

I got a new issue of Punk Planet today. I've been reading that magazine for a good 2 years, It's quite enjoyable. I've always felt comfortable with the general political and social ideals that are found in that punk community. Now simply refering to music, if you confine yourself to punk, well, you're just being stupid, but in many ways punk has had an influence on mondern music of all forms (though of course some would say metal had more, and thats true, but denying punk's influence is simply idiotic)

I'm not sure If I mentioned this before, but I am now a Vegan.
for those of you who don't know, that means I eat no meat (including fish and birds) and no eggs, or dairy, and probably no honey,(i'm still thinking about that one).
basicaly it's a diet which subsides completely on non animal products. oh, I also don't use wool.
And as far as dietairy needs go, protein isn't the big issue as long as you have a ballanced diet, the real issues are B12 Calcium and Iron.
I may start taking suplements, I'm not sure about that. If I keep up the soy milk drinkage I should be alright (as it has calcium iron and b12 added)
I'll see how it goes and continue to avoid anemia. all I can say about that is thank god I'm not a woman, else I'd have more trouble with that.

I may decide to tell yoy more about the decicion to become a vegan later.
Mostly it's a side effect of my being all obbsessive compulsive, when I ate meat (and after I stopped eating meat, dairy had a simmilar effect) I thought too much about where what I was eating came from, and what was killed to make it (or to what's death it was contributing)
It was really rather selfish, I just feel better now. If you feel fine on a meat diet, go ahead and stick with it. Dietary dogmatism is as anoying as religious dogmatism. I like to avoid both.

until further reason to post (aka boredom) arises.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I was walking home from a friends house tonight. I didn't have a flashlight, and the town I currently live in has no streetlights.
I was acompanied only by stars.
walking home I was just letting my thoughts flow, I started thinking about how beautiful it is up here, and how I'd miss that. then I started thinking, "but I won't miss the people", or rather I won't miss the place because of the people.
there are friends who I'll miss, but its more like "I wish my friend were here" rather than "I wish I were there with my friend."
so I think I might have figured something interesting out.
a good way of determining how much you like someone is by figuring out if you'd just want them to be there with you, or if you'd want to be wherever they are.

I either want my friend to be with me
or to be with my friend

and that difference is pretty big.

chill already

i just need to relax a bit.
all that marrriage stuff (well the freaking out about it bit) was overreaction. that doesn't mean it's still not how I feel, it simply means that I needn't overreact so much. I should relax and let things happen. Of course I need to be proactive, but I need to have the grace to accept those things I can't control.

I just need to chill, and I think I'm well on the way to doing that.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

obsession anyone?

so this is sort of a post just like the last one, woo haa.

just to give you an idea of why I think I might have found, oh you know.

My friend asked me how it was visiting julie. I said amazing.
my friend asked me what we did. I didn't really have an answer to that.
he asked me how it went (refering sort of to how far I got), I basicaly said not far.
"then why was it amazing"
I didn't really have a great answer for that one either, because it doesn't really make sense. Basicaly I just enjoy being around her. There's not much more to it. I feel comfortable, happy, ok, and just generaly in a good state around her.
and its not just like an "all is right with the world" thing.
its more specific.
The little worries that bother me at other times, the little OCD things that bother the fuck out of my at normal times don't bother me so much. I feel like I can deal with everything better.


My Posts have been sporadic and rather random, for this I appologize.
I also appologize for ranting about random things that have no effect on your life, and likely are of no interest to you.
even so, here I go again.

This is along the lines of one of the other posts I made called "I've Found"

This will sound ridiculous. I Only know how it will sound to you because of how it sounds to me.
I think I may have found the girl I'd like to marry.

So one problem with being all obsessive compulsive is that it gets hard to seperate disorderly obsessions from actual feelings and needs. This is definately a case of that.
I know that when I have had crushes, they were often partly functions of that obsessive streak of mine.
this is a bit harder to tell.

back to the whole marriage thing. that is completely utterly ridiculous. I'm only 18, marriage should be the last thing on my mind. Of course when I say girl I'd like to marry, I don't mean now. I mean after a good 5 or 6 or how ever many years it takes of being with eachother, then living together, then just...
It's not like I'm thinking of rushing into anything, or like I want to elope this moment. It's more like this is the first time I've thought that maybe this could become a natural progression to somehow spending the rest of our lives together.

after just a month (less even), this isn't the sort of thing I should be considering. this could very well be a product of having my first relationship. I have had girlfriends before, but with them there was no possibility of it going anywhere, emotionaly or otherwise.
I suppose this is a bit the same, because she is moving to Boston, there shouldn't be a possibility of it going anywhere. For some reason I still feel like it could.

the thing is, I wouldn't be surprised if she moved, and then I thought about her every day for a month, then it became every other day, and then every week, and then every month, and by then it wouldn't really matter, she's just be a bit of a memory. but right now, I can't conceive of that as what will realy happen.
I feel almost like I'll go through all 4 years of college, seeing her maybe durring the summers, maybe not, and stil have this feeling like I could grow old with her.

I feel stupid and neurotic posting this on the internet.
everyone has access to this. And I DEFINATELY don't want to tell her any of this, simply because it's a bit insane, a bit obsessive, and supposing there were actualy a chance of growing old with her, might ruin that chance.

so clicking the little publish post button at the bottom of my screen is probably stupid.

but I'm going to push it anyways, in the hopes that maybe It will make me feel better, clear up any confusion I'm having about all of this.
maybe just stating it will make things a bit better.
here's to hoping.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

summer 2

after re reading that first post about summer I realized there is no way I can do this chronologicaly, so I wont.
this may be a bit out of order, a bit squished up, and thing will be embelished, but it feels right.

this summer was great
last summer was a bit traumatic, about a week and half into it half of the staff got fired for drinking, mind you I was not part of that half simply because I had Room A that night (each night someone on program staff sleeps in Room A so that counselors can come get us if somthing is wrong with their campers)
our first week and a half went much more smoothly than that. we had a good staff this year.
Everyone had their quirks and inadequacies though.
working at camp is a unique expirience because you both live and work there.
There are some people who are good co workers but you could never live with them, and there are some people who you could live with but never work with, and there are some who you could both live and work with.
camp has all three sorts.
there's also a passive agressive aspect to the way staff deals with eachother (especialy program staff) because you can't always be direct about things, because you have to live with these people and being too direct could hurt the living situation.

the passive agressive-ness, and the little quirks and inadequacies may work in a bit later.

the various weeks were interesting.
one of the weeks we had an important persons child come up to camp, and we knew she was an important persons child (this was also the last year of our long time exectutive director so camps future is in doubt)
with this knowledge we decided we'd try to make her week especialy good, we try to make everyone's week great, but we were basicaly going to watch to make sure she was having a good time.

some crazy things happened, for instance someone in her tent spilled a drink in the cabin, and because we have bears up in tahoe they had to move tents.
and that week we also had a camper (jokingly I hope) threaten rape to one of her tnetmates, and ugg, it was just an insane week
so we weren't sure how the important persons child was, like how good a time she had had, because the week was generaly insane.
a few weeks later we found out that camp had seriously changed her attitude about everything
apparently before she came she was becoming sort of antisocial and rebellious. her family had just made a move or somthing of the sort, and she was depressed and becoming maladjusted.
apparently when she came home she was "a different person"
the parents were pleased, and for all that that works out nicely because of her important father, I think it highlights something important about camp too.
thats how we effect people.
I was basicaly the same, becoming maladjusted and antisocial, and was a bit depressed, and camp made me feel accepted and good about myself, so I was able to come into my own, feel less akward in my skin.

too be continued in Summer 3 ...

Monday, August 14, 2006

summer 1

This will take a while
and for that reason, this post is simply an introduction to my summer, and the posts which will describe it. I may go into too much detail at times, and someitmes I may not elaborate enough, but with any luck this will be a good representation of my summer, and all the joys events that took place durring it.

Summer Part One

(note, this will not all be seperated into nice even weeks, or into nice even days, because some of the summer runs together, but it will be somewhat cronological)

The first week was counselors training, I came a few days late because I had just gotten back from my sisters wedding. I started the week a bit tired
This years counselors weren't particularly good, they failed at many of the team building activites, and as one of the other people there put it "it is a rollercoaster of emotional whatever"

Durring counselors training I had hair down to my shoulders

the next week (or there abouts)
I got the sides of my head shaved and left the center, so I could have liberty spikes
around this time will got half his eyebrow shaved off.
there is a previous post about that

summer to be continued...

I've found

Never try to start a weeklong relationship with anyone no matter how lovely amazing and awesome she is. In fact, the more awesome lovely and amazing she is, the more you shouldn't try it, because anytime you can only start a weeklong thing clearly it has to be over for some reason in a week, and if she's awesome lovely and amazing a week is all it takes to make you absolutly miserable for a good five days after you've left her.
ok, so its only really been like 8 hours, but it feels like five days.
and besides that she'll be in boston in 2 weeks
I should visit her soon, and that'll be great.
but then she's in boston.
this sucks.

makes me think of a line from a song by the format

"suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this, I fall in love far to quickly, I never want her to forget me, when you're gone please call."

Monday, July 17, 2006

if it's any better

Well I haven't been posting all that much, but I'll have a month of downtime in which I won't know what to do with myself, so you'll be getting a crapload of posts then.
I suppose it would be a good time to update on how things are going. I am going to UCD in the fall, and I'm definately double majoring, and I recently went to my orientation and am SOOOOOOO much more sure of my feeling that davis was the place for me. I met some amazing people, pulled an all nighter, got all the classes i wanted. Simply put, it was amazing. There are some issues concerning an economics class I took last year. The grade reported on my transcript is not the grade I received, that is becoming more and more annoying to deal with. It should be fixed rather soon though.
It won't hurt my getting into Davis. (if I can help it).
On a lighter note, I got to hang out with one of my friends last weekend. I hadn't seen her in a while, and that was very nice to hang out. One of my other friends may also be taking a trip up here, so that would be wonderful.
I don't feel like going into details about hanging out with Julie (last weekend), but it was wonderful, I'll prolly update on it later when i have more time.
I am in love with Davis, and I wish it would start the Day after I was done working up here in Tahoe. I will feel so stagnate durring that month of downtime. I'll have to go visit all my friends to keep from feeling useless. On the upside (assuming he doesnt have to go back to his regular job) one of the guys I work with up here and I might take a trip around CA, San Diego to Chico, and chill with friends on the way.
Thats an exciting Idea. We may have to postpone it for a year or two, but if we do it this summer that would be supurb.
I'm excited for school, and my band should have a show in august. I'm also definately going to get a longboard skateboard before going off to Davis, because its just such a good idea, ahha.

I've been rambling about davis all week.

also, while at orrientation, I realized how often i bring biology into conversations. It is actualy ratehr sad. It's almost like I look for an excuse to bring biology into it. Thankfully, I am resigned to the fact that i am an uncureable biology nerd.

Go Davis
Aggie Pride

Monday, July 03, 2006

so I'm not a melancholic dork, really I'm not

I never intended this to be an online journal or a place to post random thoughts, but I fear that that may be what it's becoming.
If that gets to be a bit tedious I apologize and will definitely go back to my old random semi-entertaining postings.

but here goes.

"It's not a monumental revelation of anything, but every relationships you (or rather I) have with a female has some aspect of sexuality to it. Given, it's not always, in fact not usually, the foremost aspect, it is always there. Now if we wanted to get all psychological about this I could incite Freudian logic, but I will avoid that.
I don't know what this has to do with it, but I enjoy the company of girls more. I don't know how much of that is purely the general male demographic of where I live, I think it's mostly because I just like girls more. I would use women, but let's face it, at 18 I'm not likely to be hanging out with anyone who fits the title woman. One odd thing about hanging out mostly with girls is that some f your actions become more feminine, or at least more adrogynous. So while you are hanging out with girls partially with the intention of getting laid, the direction in which your sexual interest pints, comes into doubt.

I want somebody to love.

that isn't really along the lines of what I was saying before. But its one of the few things I'm completely sure of. I'm always up for getting some (with a few exceptions) but that's just a physical biological issue. The want for companionship runs deeper.
I understand that people similar to me (as far as Jungian types are concerned) tend to be dissatisfied with their relational status, but I'm rather sure this isn't just general dissatisfaction.
I.... I get this pitted feeling, this holeishness, this empty feeling when I think of how along I really am, and how far away I am from love of any other sort than friendly. I Know this sounds much like a melancholic rant and to some extent it is, but melancholic rants stick in our heads, grab onto our synapses like barbs. 'to be or not to be' is the perfect example. No more melancholic soliloquy is so propagated. So I don't think it's bad to have this melancholic soliloquy written down.
and what is more appealing than unrequited love? Those who are loved can mock and laugh, or joy at how they are no longer in the same situation, those who aren't can comisterate or drop into denial. But I sup[pose this isn't really a case of unrequited love. I don't really have a particular possible lover in mind. I have potentials, but no particular. I guess I just over think things."

When I'm jealous, I don't think its specific jealousy. For instance, if I am jealous when I see a couple holding hands in public it isn't because I want that particular girl (though obviously to some extent that's a factor) its because I want to be in that situation.


Saturday, July 01, 2006

half an eyebrow anyone?

So one of the dishboys just got half of his left eyebrow shaven off. It was either that or 163 nut scope tosses.

(definition of nut scope- both players sit oposite ends of the staff lounge, and underhand toss a bottle of scope towards the other persons nuts [testicles])

He got hit 4 times out of 20. Needless to say, playing nut scope hurts.

We have a film of will (the dishboy) getting his eyebrow half shaved off by one of the assistant cooks.

It is hilarious. He looks like he is in so much pain, but he is laughing extremely hard.

He jumped at the chance to get both of his eye brows shaved off. But the possibility of never having his eyebrows grow back moved him down to getting half shaved off.

Father (the guy who runs camp) might not notice will's half eyebrow because of my impending blue liberty spikes.

P.S. I got the mohawk, the spikes didn't work out too well because my hair was too long, so wer trimmed it and just put it into a normal mohawk, I'm sure i'll have pictures soon. I'm going to cut it even shorter though so I don't have to deal with the anoyingness of putting it up.

Sorry for the sparse, not that great, posts I've been really busy. There should be more posts this next week as I have the week off.


Sunday, June 25, 2006

in for the long haul

I feel bad that I might not be able to post too often with camp and all going. Which leads me to the comment, I May not be able to post that often because of camp.
On a lighter note, My sister's wedding was a blast, the first week of camp has been phenomenal, and the second week has potential to be just as good.

The First week was counselors training. The name is rather self explanatory. This group was (as one of the people with us said) "A rollercoaster of emotional whatever"

I'm trying to figure out how to get wifi at my camp (how to get onto the wifi of the people next to us.
so my mind isn't fully on writing.
if I figure that out, I'll be able to post more often, and more thouroughly.
I may start making really long posts. Ya know, writing them off line, and then just copy pasteing them.

but we'll see.

hopefully the posts will keep coming.

Friday, June 16, 2006

Jesus in the summertime

I love this song quite a lot. I don't know what exactly draws me to it. It just feels so, lovely. I think its a bit the hopeless romantic in me. I don't think it has much to do with the fact that Jesus was a cool guy. The fact is, that matters almost none. It's just really sweet.

You have to hear it for it to seem good. When you just see the lyrics it seems like another ill wrought, overly praising christian rock song. When you hear the way it's done by Randy Newman, it feels right. It doesn't feel like a big speech about Jesus (even though it sort of is) It just feels like a love song. I suggest you listen to it and just decide for yourself.

Seriously one of my favorite songs ever (and before anyone accuses me of undue religious fervor, I lean towards agnosticism, so no soup for you)

Jesus in the summertime

by Randy Newman

we may not know all the answers
after all we're so very young
I only know that I go crazy when I love my baby
Jesus can our love be wrong
Jesus can our love be wrong

my baby loves the sun
and I love the moon
some day we're gonna get married
we'll be together real soon
Jesus died for ya
Jesus died for ya

me and my baby went walking
down by the old ice skating rink
looked up at the stars in the heavens above
ya know it kinda almost made us stop and think
Jesus died for ya
Jesus died for ya

bring him back
bring him back
bring him back
please bring him back

bring him back in the summertime
bring him back in the summertime

Black clouds under an Arabian sky
Jesus stood there dignified
They stuck a thorn into his eye
and they began to crucify
lord why did you let your son die
lord why did you let your son die
lord why did you let your son die

Jesus died for ya
Jesus died for ya
Jesus died for ya

They buried him in a poor mans grave
but he still had mankind to save
so he rose from that poor mans grave and he saved mankind
he said: forgive them they know not what they do
he said: what fools these mortals be
and I say: baby I'd lay down my life for you
just they way that Jesus died for me

bring him back
bring him back
bring him back
please bring him back

bring him back in the summertime
got to have Jesus in the summer time

in the summertime
in the summertime
in the summertime
in the summertime

Wednesday, June 14, 2006

All you'll need is a car an a video camera

today my family and I finished our drive out to colorado for my sisters wedding. while on that last stretch of highway, while I was marveling at the aspen groves, and the rock formations I had a wonderful Idea for a movie.
I don't get these often. I'm not much of a Movie guy myself, and Though I may decide to do this, I have rarely had desire to make a film.
The Idea of the film is that you would take a camera and drive from one end of a Highway to the other end of the highway (preferably an East - West Highway) and you would just film it.
this film could be so many things. It could be about interactions with people on the road, it could be about the little towns you pass through on the way, about your adventures on the high way, about the diferences in the places you pass through (as in hight climate, that sort of thing) you could even do one which had a focus on the sort of radio stations that are available there.
I know it sounds a bit silly, but thats part of why it's so appealing.
It could be anything. and the film would form itself.
you would take the camera, and see what happened.
in the right hands it could be brilliant.
I welcom anyone with a video camera and a car to try it, don't give me credit, or do, i don't care.
Part of the beauty of this idea is that it is completely and totaly dependent on who embarks on it. if it were me it would be much different than if it were a rabel rouser of some sort.
it could be so many things
how I wish I had the time to do it.

stumble upon

I could totaly explain stumble upon on here, but you guys have google, use it. meanwhile you can check out the awesome awesome pictures and websites I link to on my stumble upon blog (it's not really a blog, but it's still awesome)


ummm, loco?

I think I may have found the perfect way for me to study spanish. I absolutly love to read, I read nearly constantly, and it doesn't really matter what I'm reading, it's probably better than dealing with people or actualy doing something productive. Since I love to read so much, I'm just going to start reading spanish books. today I took the first step in realizing this training method, I bought two spanish books, and a dictionary. I will either start reading them tomorow, or when I get back into California for my summer job (I'm still in colorado for my sisters wedding, which I beleive is on saturday)
The two books I bought {I passed up El Padrino [the godfather] The davinci code, and all the Harry Potter books for this one ;) } were Mi Pais Inventado (my invented country) by Isabel Allende, and Bendiceme Ultima (I think it means "the Last Blessing" but I could be a bit off. )
I'm excited to get started, and as soon as i get one of those 501 Spanish verbs, books i'll be completely set. (I may put off getting that until i absolutely need it)
I also want to say that I absolutly love the song by Randy Newman "Jesus In the Summertime" This isn't a new development or anything, I've liked the song for a long time, I just felt I'd mention it now, becuase i'm awesome like that.

I'll probably start reading Mi Pais Inventado first, it's a bit shorter, and Bendiceme Ultima is one of those clasic novels, so its a bit more intimidating.

Saturday, June 10, 2006

Ironicism and the Sober Grad

Last night was "Sober Graduation" It's a program to prevent kids from getting drunk on their graduation night. It wasn't my graduation night because I graduated from HS early. They haven't gotten my diploma to me yet though, so I still qualify to go to sober grad. It's not like there was a good party planed anyways.
I got back from my bike ride and one of my friends called me and asked me if i was still interested in going to sober grad, and he offered to give me a ride.
we drove on in to Susanville.
Sober grad was to go until the next morning.

my friend had a "date" so I sort of wandered about and talked to my former classmates (graduated early, remember). After telling the same story about what i wanted to do with my life and where I was going, and what I had done the last year about ten million times I started to look around at the various activities they had around. there were two portable "rock climbing" walls (I use quotes because if it's not really rock, its not really rock climbing, woohoo for being a purist.)
they had some random inflatable things. an obstoacle course, a bungee run, random stuff like that.
One of the most talked about things durring the entire "sober grad" night was alchol. Had we taken some in, and sold it, we could have made more money than bill gates.
It was rather funny that many of the games they had would either be much more fun drunk, or were basicaly drinking games (there's a reason dartboards are usualy only in bars)

there was a raffle at the end, thats how they get you to stay the whole bazillion hours. the raffle is in the morning, at about 4 or5, I don't really remember now.
everyone's name is added in, a car is one of the things you could win.
I got two things, a 100 dolar gift certificate for the local jewler, and fifty dolars cash.

I used some of the gift certificate to buy a flask, on which I had engraved "Pat H S.G. '06"
I found it rather Ironic that I spend money I won at sober grad on an alchol receptical. My mom got quite a kick out of it too.

And I thought the only adventure would be on the bike

after my first day of bike riding (which you would know about if you read the previous post) My friend Julie had to come pick me up. (she and her neice who is close to the same age as her)
they picked me up, and i took the front wheel off of my bike (yay for quickrelease) and put it in the trunk, and fastened the trunk closed with the bungee cords i used to keep my bag on my back racks.
I expected a rather uneventful car ride back to Julie's house, she had found me relatively easily after all.
we drove down Hwy 65 in her car listening to music a bit too loudly. The road is fairly straightforward and very uneventful, but we had to get onto Hwy 80 to get back to her house.
We were supposed to get on 80 west, but we mistakenly got on 80 East. We got about a quarter of the way to Reno before realizing this. while going down 80 East, mistakenly, there was some roadwork, and Julie hit a cone. it was rather comical. I told her (as she was drifting around the road a bit) "watch out for the cones" [I said this quite calmly] and then she hit a cone shortly after I said this. and I [once again, fairly calmly] said something to the effect of "fucking cone"
We turned around in a podunk town I don't remember the name of.
while driving down 80 west, (finaly going the right way), we saw a turn off to highway 49, towards placerville. Julie knew where placerville was, and where it was in association to her house, so we figured, what's the harm, this just means we don't have to go all the way through sacramento to get there.
highway 49 is very curvy, not quite as crazy as hwy 32, but still quite curvy. it felt a bit like "hillbilly country" normaly i wouldn't have used this way of describing this, but describing it's (as of then unseen) residents as hillbillies opened up a lot of possibilites as far as conversation topics, can you say "deliverance".
we drove down 49 for a while, and it was still curvy. Then we got to Coloma. Coloma is a place with this "gold discovery park" it's a national parks gimic. anyhow, we decided to stop in Coloma because it was already 1 o'clock or so and we had nothing to lose. we wandered through the grasses towards a hill using just my little bike flashlight. Julie was wearing sandals.
we came up towards the public bathrooms and this ropped part of ground (a tree had been fell and cut up). Julie asked what the ropes were for, I sarcasticaly said "There's a dead body over there". At about the same time a twig brushed her foot. she jumped a good 2 feet, 1 and half of em at me. I beleive I still have scratch marks from her hopping into me rather quickly.
we went back to the car after that.
we finaly found highway 50, and got to her house. I ate some blueberry waffles, and we stayed up and talked for a while, and spent some time looking at useless internet sites such as Ebaums world, and Rotten dot com. I had intended to simply crash on the floor in my sleeping bag, but Julie had gone to the trouble of making a bed (the fold out couch, yay) and insisted I use it.
It was rather nice.
I slept until about 7, layed in bed until a bit before 8. I had breakfast, and then took a shower (i needed it)

Part of the reason I went on the trip at all was because I had intended on going on a book shopping run with Julie (we exchange books by mail, I send her one, she reads it, lets me know what she thought of it, and sends it back with one of her books, and the process goes on).
She had to make some cupcakes for a birthday party she was to go to that day. After she did that, we drove down to the thrift shop and found some good books we were gonna read. I bought some for her, since I have a shitload of books, am going to read those books eventualy anyways, and she has hardly any books (her mom works at a library, she has access to good books without purchase) .
We got back to Julies and Rose (julie's sister, with whom i'm working this summer) was busy making her present for the B-day party they were to go to.
Rose got me invited to the party, because the guy who's birtday it was has a habit of hitting on her constantly which makes her slightly uncomfortable, and the guys best friend is in love with Julie, so I worked as protection, plus it gave me something to do. We all left for the party a bit late. we were to bring swim suits.
it was a bit confusing trying to find the place, and just as we were about to give up and turn back, I found the road we were supposed to turn on.
we turned down this dirt road and rode all the way to the end of it, where Evan (the guy who was having the birthday) lived. we went around back to the pool, there were about 8 or so people there. I met them, they seemed nice.
Evan was into red vs. blue so I was able to relate immediately. I wasn't much in a swimming mood as I had just gotten done with a 200 mile bike ride day. There was one other person there who I prolly met back in the day (at camp).
we hung out there for a while, talked, played with bubles, I mostly hung out with the girls, but I sort of do that anyways because even though they tend to have more drama, I'm not involved in theirs.
I eventualy was coaxed into swimming. It was fairly nice.
We decided to go out to dinner because the laser tag place we were supposed to go to was closed due to technical dificulties. The diner place was going to be an italian resturaunt called Papa Gianis.
somewhere in this whole continum I eded up with a girl I had just met putting lipgloss on me. (not in the standard lip to lip method either, in the more girlish hey let's make the lips pretty fasion) what can I say, I'm too much of a sucker for chicks, all of em, most of em, no all of em.
the girls had to go change before going out to diner. I went with them to julies house while they were getting that stuff taken care of.
we sort of ran around like chickens with our heads cut off in getting everything ready. correction, they ran around like chickens with their heads cut off, getting everything ready.
We (meaning julie and two other girls[ Paula and Collier], and I) We drove to Paula's house. it was nice having the windows open and letting our hair get flipped in our faces (my hair is fairly long at the moment, not quite at the shoulders, but just about. )
when we got to Paula's her parents had just gotten home. I was the designated distraction as I had no need to change, and I was the guy. Apparently Paula's father hasn't quite accepted the fact that she is 18 and has rather prominent breasts and buttocks. anyhow, I helped her parents move some things from thier car to the house (voluntarily, which always helps for my image), and then talked to them for a while. I have the advantage of being able to talk to parents without contradicting myself and still impressing :)
We talked about my plans for the future, Pre-med rarely fails to impress (though that has nothing to do with why I want to do that whatsoever) they made some comment about me being rather insane for hanging out with three crazy girls, I mentioned my possition as the only male on Program staff at my summer job. I do better with crazy girls than with most crazy guys. though I like guys and everything, and I have some great friends who are guys, girls are a lot easier to deal with most of the time.
we left that apartment, and I apparently had done my job as distractor well.
we got on our way back to Julie's to pick up her sister Rose, who had changed there.
We went to the resturaunt. we were the late ones. we ended up wit something like 16 people in our party.
the food was pretty good. I had some interesting conversation there. there was a lovely young lady who I had not met sitting to my right, we had some odd conversation topics through out the meal, from disney carachters to sex (not in that order mind you).
anyhow, I talked with all those folks, Evan (the bday boy) opened his presents and cards. I had interesting convos, but i won't go into em, even though i prolly could recount the whole conversations.
we left, and then rented some movies at the movie rental place next door. Evan rented "the 40 year old virgin" for us to come back to watch. everyone went back to Evans and watched that. it was pretty good. Sweeter than I expected.
Paula was driving us all back to Julies (us all being Collier, Julie, Rose, and me) Paula was quite out of it. She dropped collier off first. She talked a lot, we encouraged it to keep her awake, but it was quite sureal. I won't go into detail because it was rather long and drawn out and relatively incomprehensible (I do remember all of it though)
Paula dropped us off, and then drove off into the night.
We went inside. we were going to watch "the aristocrats" but we didn't feel like it when we got in. We watched "50 first dates" instead. I had seen the beginign before, but not the end, so that was nice.
Thier mother woke up, we talked to her a little bit.
I went to bed.
I woke up the next morning and had some breakfast, got some stuff out of Julie's Mom's car, and then went in to tell julie I was leaving ( I didn't bother waking Rose up because i'll be livign with her for 9 weeks of the summer)
I had to go back in to get her to figure out the garage door for me (it was powerd, i'm used to the ones with a string tied to them)
I got on my bike and left.

so it was 300 mi, not 400. that's still OK

I got back from my bike trip yesterday. It was quite wonderful. The trip ended up being only 300 miles instead of 400 due to various set backs. I'm not just going to list them. Since I feel like making one gigantic post about the ride anyways I'm going to just thread my setbacks in the narative as they happened.

I woke up on the morning of the sixth, went in to vote at 7 when the polls opened, cast my first ballot ever, and drove back home. (3 miles to the nearest polling place) When I got home I simply got on my bike and started to go (I packed the night before). I rode down a road I'm very familure with and just coasted on that as it is downhill.
It was magnificent ridding into a local town about 24 miles away (except for the logging trucks which I despise because they kick up stuff that gets in your eyes and give off gusts of wind that blow you all over the road).
I rode on down to the end of the road I was on, and turned one way towards Sacramento. It was nice downhill for quite some time. There was roadwork, but i didn't have to wait with the cars, which was very nice.
I rode on and it started to get a bit warm because there wasn't much shade.
I started riding down one hill and it was nice for a while, but I started to have to peddle harder to keep my momentum, I thought it a random anomaly. I stopped on the side of the road and talked to a truck driver who was hauling rental equipment, and I looked back down the road, and found that I was actualy on an uphill without noticing it.
I assumed this would be a one time thing.
I continued on.
It wasn't a one time thing.
after a few of these bouts I just got used to the idea that my sense of level was shit on a bike, and anytime I really had to peddle to keep moving, it must be an uphill.
on the road I was riding down (HWY 70) there are a few tunnels, one is rather long, and quite scary for a bicycalist. but there are little anexes taht open to the outside. when it was clear of cars I went into one of the anexes and ate some food, drank some water, and enjoyed the cool cavelike feeling of the annex.
I hastily rushed out of that tunnel fearing a car would come through and not see me.
Eventualy Hwy 70 lead me to the worst hill I have ever ridden in my entire life.
It was hell.
or maybe thats not a proper metaphore. I'll use a similie.
I felt SOOOOO much like sisyphus
I had to stop far to many times (I perfer to simply ride up a whole hill before stopping, but this hill was far to long)
two of the times I stopped, in the meager shade i was able to find, I lay down to rest and happened to land in an area with red ants.
I got quite good at smaking ants while riding up hill.
the heat was another thing altogether.
It was ridiculously hot, and my riding up a hill certainly did not help. I would occasionaly douse myself with my water bottle to cool down, but that helped very little.
I knew nothing of real heat at this time so my dislike of the heat was greatly exagerated.

when I finaly made it up the hill from hell, I stoped at a convienience store and had one of the best icecreams I have ever had.
I continued on from there, reluctant to go back into what I thought was horrible heat.

There were more nice downhills on the rest of the way to my exit from Hwy 70.
to move from 70 to 99, I had to hop on a relatively short road (by car) which is hwy 149 (I think). The trick with 149 is that there is no shade. I am not being hyperbolic when I say this, on 149 there is no shade. you can go check it yourself some time if you are near Chico.
this was nearly intolerable, and the heat was quite bad. I still knew nothing of what real heat was.
I stopped at a strawberry stand mostly to rest in the shade, it was a little off of 149 (it was not on 149 so i'm not lying about the no shade)
I finnaly got to Jct 99, after what felt like a decade.

I was soon to fully expirience what heat really meant.

I rode 99 for some time, and stopped frequently to douse myself with water. it did little good. The heat made me feel quite narcoleptic (like falling asleep at the wheel narcoleptic), and so on my next break (because 99 does have shade) I took a nap. The nap lasted longer than it should have.
I got up and continued ridding (after a kind man stopped to see if I was injured)
it eventualy got so hot and unbearable that I was desperate enough to hop into the possibly hazardous, snake inhabited, cesspool apearing, Irigationg ditches that lined the farmland i was riding on.
I said fuck it, and dipped in. it was one of the best feelings in all the history of man. I dipped my shirt, soaked it full, and did not ring it out. I put it on and riding became much more berable.
I kept riding and subesquently dipped my shirt in a Rice paddy, a church sprinkler, a decorative waterfall, a small waterway through a town, and a few other places.
Because of how late I figured out a good way to deal with the stifling heat, by the time I got through Yuba City and onto Hwy 65 towards my final destination it was getting a bit dark.
I got almost as far as wheatland. The friend with whom I was staying came to pick me up.
I was physiclaly capable of riding my bike the remaining 20 miles to her house, but it was unwise because it was a very dark night and a small bike light does little to make you visible to cars. I think enough about different injuries i could get and how i could get them durring the daylight.

I will save the story of the time between my friend got to me, and the time I left her house to finish my journey for another post, which will proboboly titled "And I thought the only adventure would be on the bike"

I left Julie's house at about 7:30, it didn't seem like it was going to be as hot as it had been on tuesday (this is thursday).
I rode my route, which went through a lot of the sacrmento suburbs (Julie actualy lives in Cameron park) I navigated without too much incidence, and had little trouble with cars because I could follow pedestrian rules when they suited my needs, and follow car rules when they suited my needs better. I got out of the towns, and rode more down Hwy 65. It is prohibited in some places for pedestrians and biciclyists, so I took a few side roads. I hopped over to 99 without much trouble. and 99 went smoothly, I stopped a few times to wet the shirt, and stopped on the side of the road for a man who's truck batery had died. I was going to let him use my cell phone but his started working, I stayed until he had everything set. We talked a little, he did road construction in sacramento, but lived in chico because it was a better place to raise his family.
I rode on down 99, and eventualy on to the part of it which goes through chico and is prohibited to bicyclists. there's no other way to get anywhere in chico though, so i didn't care, and it was not marked from the direction I came. Exits and Entrances are tricky, Cars drive much to fast for me to be able to do those easily.
I got to the house i was to stay at that night, it belonged to the son of one of my dad's friends. I never saw the son, I simply crashed in the back yard, called some friends, read, and fell asleep at about 8 (quite odd considering my usual sleep time is between 1 and 3 am)

I got up at 7 ish to go.
I rode to a starbucks, enjoyed a grande soy latte before going. rode on to the isane portion of 99, and started on my way back home.

I got off of 99 very releived.

I rode up 32 a very short while, and realized my back tire was low, i tried pumping it a bit to get it to go. this didn't work.
i moved down to some shade.
another biker stoped we tried to patch the tire with duct tape as i was stupid enough to not have a patch kit or a spare tube, and the bike is old so it has 27inch rims not the standard 700 cm nowadyas, so his wouldn't fit. he contined on his ride.
I called my parents to pick me up as it was hopeless to finish the ride by now because I would never have enough time for the 80 mile day ahead of me. One of my friends called my cell phone, and apparently they saw me on the side of the road. they came up on the space and talked with me for a while.
I let them go back to their business (looking at appartments) and read (and stained my white covered white paged book) and waited.
my parents picked me up
we drove home, and then I got three new tubes, a patch kit, and plastic prys for tire removal.
I'm better prepared now.
it was still quite awesome.
I got home somewhere around 1 ish.

Monday, June 05, 2006

tommorow's a 200 miler

I'll not be posting for about 4 days starting tomorow. I'm going on a Four Hundred mile bike ride. After voting in the primary elections at 7:00 (this is my first election to vote in :) ] I will get on my bike and start towards sacramento. I should get to sacramento (more specificaly cameron park) around 6 or 7 . I'll stay with one of my friends down there, and on wednessday we'll be frequenting thrift stores and used book stores to improve her book collection, and to have fun hanging out in little bookstores. On thursday morning I ride my bike to Chico. There I'll stay with a friend of the family, and then Friday morning I will ride up the dreaded curvy, insane, Hwy 32 (deer creek) to my home.
then I will either sleep or go to "sober grad night" with my friend. then on saturday I will get some guitar and bass lines recorded so i can finish mastering "Our Cardinal Virtues". and on sunday my parents and I will start driving to colorado for my sisters weding. then I will fly back to reno, get in my car, and drive on to Lake Tahoe for my summer job.
I may post this saturday, and I may not. If I don't post this saturday, it'll be two more saturdays before I get to it.
I'll be posting on a weekly basis, instead of on a sort of every other day basis as I've started doing as of late.

I'm excited for this bike ride, tomorow is mostly downhill, I can't imagine how awesome that's going to be. if I get it fast enough maybe I can get a good adrenaline rush.

Thursday, June 01, 2006


I remember a day in my youth. Though impulsively would not likely be noted as one of my traits, certainly curiosity is an undeniable, inalienable trait of me, even as a child. I recall a day in sixth grade on which I was trying to find the number of minutes that were in a day, and minutes in a year, and seconds in a year, and how many seconds I would live, and how many minutes we all had. It escalated until my young mind, not suited to mathematics, and not curious enough to endeavor through recess, quit calculating. I don't know where the piece of paper on which those figures are imprinted is. I probably threw it into the trash as I did with all of my school papers.

That curiosity still guides me today. Some believe there to be an impulsively in me, but I don't believe there is such, I believe that my extreme curiosity in everything is what creates this impression. I sometimes will stare at something for no apparent reason, just study it, because I am curious. I will set aside my fears and go and talk to people I don't know, with no preparation at all, because I am curious. I know well the phrase “Curiosity killed the cat.” but I also know well the portion of that phrase many leave out, the phrase by which I live “But, satisfaction brought him back.”

The only thing that separates truly brilliant, wonderful people, from stagnate ones, is curiosity. We are amazed by those people we once called idiot savants, those people who, though impaired, can do extraordinary things with their minds. What we often fail to notice about these amazing people is their curiosity. A savant who has memorized a library certainly was not pushed towards this goal by a parent, or a friend, so of course there is another driving force, curiosity.

When we hear the word genius names like Einstein and Edison, and Shakespeare, come to mind. Was it not Einstein who said “Imagination is more important than knowledge”? Einstein was a man fueled by his curiosity. He was curious as to what it would be like to travel on a bicycle at the speed of light. This sparked his greatest discoveries, his curiosity.

By choosing to live curiously, choosing to pursue those of my whims which have no root or importance more than that curiosity, I am taking the path of brilliant men. Perhaps I too will be brilliant for this, perhaps I won't, but no mater the outcome, imagine what I will see.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Yes I am a Biology Nerd

I had smile the size of texas (or some comprably large place) when I Stumbled Upon this (yay for firefox extentions such as StumbleUpon)
it is a map (a diagram if you will) of all of the metabolic pathways in the human body, as a biochemist I am not, this could be extremely useful, and despite the extreme nerdyness, If I do double major in NPB ( which is seeming more and more likely every day) I will definately either buy the poster, assuming they begin to sell it again, or print out every single portion of it and put it all together on my wall.

for all you other biology nerds, medicine nerds, science nerds, chemistry nerds, and just generaly awesome people like that, go check this out

(sure you prolly won't be so giddy about it {so giddy I would have had to wipe my coke bottle glasses on my shirt right below my pocket protector, if i had either of those items} but it'll prolly seem pretty cool anyways)

Biochemical Pathways - Metabolic Pathways
there is also
Biochemical Pathways - Cellualr and Mollecular Processes

lyrics to "Our Cardinal Virtues"

I tend to do blocks of posts. I'll post something on one day, and then i'll post somethig else shortly after, and then I'll not post for a good week or so, (depending on inspiration level and the such). I don't quite know why this is, but I think it has to do with downtime, when I get downtime, it is bunched rather closely. I expect this will be even more true once I start with my double major, and subsequently start either med school or grad school. (assuming I have down time at all).
It might also have a bit to do with my compulsive tendencies, sometimes I feel that I HAVE to post. (even though my readership is either sparse or non-existent) I also tend to be a bit obsesive (isn't there a disorder for that? [ah the joys of sarcasm])
This is one of the compulsion posts.
here are some lyrics to the songs of the band which I shamelessly plugged, they're good, well I think so because I wrote them, but I think they're good, you might too.

I'll just get the lyrics to all of Our Cardinal Virtues (the album name) on here, because I might as well, and I'm feeling unproductive now and this might make me feel better

Prudence (say it again)

The Last time you said this
I ended up face down

the last time you said this
I ended up windblown

screaming is passe, pain is over done,
sorrow's too dramatic and I think you've won

So say it again
lay me out facedown

say it again
forsake me to wastelands

cold is the night soul rent between justificications

say it again, say it again

Fortitude ( attempts to sustain)

Knife like an ice pick

a meat hook, a spear
eyes are like toy balls

a childhood revisited
asking “where's my red flyer”
my Lego's my notebooks

and gone is my past
forever buried
under piles of things
attempts to sustain
attempts to remain back there.

Phone calls and emails
and conversations at dawn
are gone beneath junk
a counterintuitive stop gap
against time

Justice (past sayings repeated)

I'm having aural hallucinations again
repetitions of past sayings
my name called over and over

I turn to see no one
I turn to see someone, but no one's there.

They have no precedent for rose colored head phones

my ears deceive me
what to follow
my ears, I trusted, betrayed me
I'll pull a Van Gogh
I'll end up like Hollyfeild
but that won't save me.

I turn to see no one
I turn to see someone but no one's there

Temperance (here be monsters)

This life is unmapped
so much filled with warnings of
Here be monsters

Uncharted waters move
tideless unseen.
I am left
no skill in cartography
to map this void
this future that is mine
caution on excess and life is wasted
caution underused shall
lead to disaster

To map the void
the fate of all
cartographers or armatures
all must fend for

I play the laptop

This is a shameless plug for my new band The Hemlock Catharsis. I do feel bad (a little) for plugging my band on here, but not bad enough not to do it.
As the title of this post suggests, I play the laptop in this band. as odd as that seems, it makes quite a bit of sense. I also play the bass, so I'm not being an uber-geek, or a techno-freak (yay for rhyming).
How this transpired is that my longtime friend and musical partner (after my leaving of the band we had both started, Under Autumn Skies) started working on our "project". For a long time we had been contemplating making music in which only the two of us played. the problem there is that we want so many things to be in the music, that we would be forced to either be a band which only did recordings, or we would have to find other musicians for live pereformances. when we went to Oregon to record and Paul (my guitarists) brother in law's house, we decided that we simply would never even try to find more members, he can sing and play his insane guitar riffs at the same time, and I can compose things on the computer, and since I got a hold of a very good editing program called Ableton Live 5, I am able to play just about anything, and edit just about anything on my own.
the recordings we have posted now are of a rough nature, i have done very little mastering on them yet.
Paul plays guitar and sings
I play the Bass and the Laptop

we both write everything, he writes all guitar lines, and most times makes the general form of the basslines, I do the general stuff for the drums, and I write the lyrics. the rest is colaborative.

we are at

thank you for tolerating this shameless plug
now back to our regular programing

Sunday, May 21, 2006


I do beleive I've had a genuine epiphany. Well, as it seems to be a bit more zen bhudist in nature I'll refer to it as a glimpse of enlightenment.
I've had this realization multiple times, but it was so strong tonight that it felt worth mention.
not even a full second was taken up by the actual expirience.
I was talking to myself in my bathroom mirror. not the usual criticisms and approval remarks that people make to themselves in mirrors, more random comments on things on my mind, tonight that was medicine (the profession, not drugs)
I had a flash of insight when I looked directly at my mirror image
"this is me"
but it wasn't long enough for something that verbal to form.
the thought was too all encompasing for one phrase
there were elements of
"what is existence?"
"do I exist?'
"I am going to die"

the most shocking thing about this is that in the past when I am hit with that realization, that I am going to die, a deep seated fear rises its ugly head, but this time I felt calm relaxed and OK about my eventual death.

My eventual death felt right.
that is part of what made this whole thing so surreal. I would never think of my death as right.
I know I will die, and I'll deal with it weather or not I want to, but I am about to go into medicine, the profession of fighting death, I am not naturaly comfortable with my own, or anyonelses death.
It almost makes me think that this calm, is not mine. be it from God, or from some collective conciousness, my own personal halucination, or simply another step on my path to enlightenment, it wasn't something that the me I know would do.

quite a conundrum eh?

Friday, May 19, 2006

my new phone

I take back every bad thing I said about my new phone, except for the comments on the camera, that's still ridiculous. I have found that some of the newfangled bells and whistles are awesome. I love the fact that I can set my phone to display lights when i'm getting a call. this is great, especialy since this is now my primary phone. at night if i set the phone on my nightstand and get a call, I can actualy see the phone, and it looks kick ass. (ok so maybe I just think its the definition of awesome when my phone displays a light show.)
I can see how someone would get very caught up in playing with their technology, of course I have little time for that anymore, but the computer geek who must get every new thing may never die in me, even if he is subdued.


I just came back from Davis today. I was down to talk to a financial aid advisor and get some other things in line (find out where my bank is, get new cell phone service) and I am reminded why I decided to go to UC Davis in the first place. It is absolutly perfect. I cannot think of anywhere I would rather go. And lately I've been thinking that if i go to med school (as keeps seeming like a more and more likely event) instead of going to UC San Fransisco as I had previously aspired I may want to go to UC Davis Medical School. I'll obviously have to decide this when I get a feel for what it's like to live in Davis and after I have a better feel for if I like UCD Med Center or not.

I also had a conversation with a fellow pre-med today, who is double majoring in Psychology and NPB (Neurobiology Physiology and Behaviour), and I have come to the conclusion that I may want to double major as well. Not because other people are doing it, but upon hearing about how she was doing hers I got rather excited about the possibilites, suggesting that that would be a good call. NPB would likely be a good second major for me (I am already accepted to UC Davis as a Psychology major, and i'm getting my BS in Pyschology no matter what) I looked into biological sciences and mollecular biology and biomedical engineering and a few other alternate majors, but none seems so perfectly tailored to what i'd like to do as NPB. (what i'd like to do being either Medicine or Clinical Psychology)

Ah, the joys of deciding.

I also got a new cell phone as I mentioned at the begining of this post. It's one of those newfangled Sony Ericsson phones. ( feel like such an old fogey using words like newfangled [old fogey at 18, that's sad])
I can't for the life of me think of why i'd need to use all of the features on this thing, my old phone (which is now obsolete) worked just fine, with out all the bells and whistles on this new one, for instance a camera. Being somewhat interested in photography, I am ashamed that cameras have been added to every phone in existance. if I want to take a photo I want it to look good, and taking a photo with a cell phone doesn't exactly inspire one to be careful about lighting or inspire your subject to not act like an ass.
for all that I can't immagine the necessity for all the bells and whistles on this new phone I must say that it is nice having a good 50% more pocket space than I did before. no longer do my phone my pocket knife and my sharpie contend for front row seats to my crotch.

Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Dreams of my Russian Summers

This book is the only thing that has ever made me want to learn French. Written by Andrei Makine, "Dreams of my Russian Summers" was orriginaly written in french, and of course I read a translation. If the prose was this brilliant and chilling and wonderfull and joyus, after translation, I simply can't comprehned how good it must be in French.
I would suggest this book to absolutly any thinking, or feeling (or some combination thereof) person in existence.
I have a tendency to over praise books, this is not an exemplification of that tendency.
I don't use the term genius lightly.
this book is genius.
go buy it

(if you take whatever I say with a grain of salt, maybe you'll like it that much more when you're surprised to find that I'm totaly right.)

Thursday, May 11, 2006


I haven't posted on here for quite some time. That's not as consequential since I have no readership.

this is something I wrote back in the day, I don't know how relevant it is (if at all), but here it is, I may expand it some day, but it's pretty straight forward so I don't know if there's much to expand

All American Love Story

Her eyes were blue, but he couldn’t have cared less. Her hair was blond, but he didn’t think it mattered. Her body was that of a goddess, and he could live without it. Her heart was golden, he longed for that more than anything. Her mind was strong and alert, he wanted with all his heart to have that mind at his disposal, to be able to add to her intelligence.

Of course her beauty was the first thing he noticed, but with no heart, no soul, what is a person worth? Ugly people have a bad time with that, great people but they’re not noticed due to ugliness of body. She had the gift of being as beautiful on the outside as she was within. Perhaps he obsessed too much, but even so he loved her. He might have tried just a little too hard, but still he noticed her(unlike some other guys). The fact that he loved her for more than her outward appearance was what made him differ from others, he didn’t just want her, he loved her. Even with his exceptional love for her, she time after time turned him down. She had a boyfriend a week, and yet he was never one of those boys, always just watching, waiting for the next gap between boyfriends. He spent four years waiting, and then he got his nerve and asked her for the hundred and somethingth time, once again he was rejected. Over and over she told him to screw off, but he persisted. Over time he slowly became deranged with the terrible yearning of unrequited love, and in a heat of fury and passion (hardly justifies it) he killed her boyfriend. He had known her boyfriend all his life, he was actually his best friend but that didn’t stop him. He knew she’d never give him a chance so he took the life of he who she had. As he would do again if necessary if only to keep her isolated. His mind was torn between murder and losing the one he loved, he chose quickly and as you can tell he chose the terrible crime committed. He acted too harshly and it was a terrible deed he knew but the murder was in some way committed with reason(in his mind). There was his chance. He asked once again, the blood of the crime still on his hands and soon found that she was not the girl he though she was. She was a bitch. She was a snob. She was a slut. She wasn’t worth it. That night he “put her out of her misery” and disposed of himself. What an all American love story.

wow, i had forgoten how macarbe that is. but yea, thats sort of, deranged.

Friday, March 17, 2006

Chain Letter

Chain letters have a long tradition of annyoing the hell out of people. I don't mean to keep up that tradition, but I have an idea for a chain letter. the only thing I don't like about my idea is that I'll never get to see the fruits of this awesome idea (be there any).

anyhow, here's the idea, (it's stated in the letter so I'm just gonna post that)

Dear whoever,

Even though I don't like the term chain-letter, I guess this is one. Not in the sense that if you don't mail it on to fifty billion people a chandelier will fall on your head. More in the sense that when you get this, it'd be really nice of you to add your own bit and then send it on to someone else.

The whole point of this letter is to spread stories, and to bring back letter writing. If you don't feel like sending this to someone else, give it to a friend who might have something to add.

Anyhow, here's what you do. Put down your name and the place you live, and then write a little thing about something beautiful you saw today, or yesterday, or ten years ago, or something beautiful you want to see, just something beautiful. And by beautiful I mean something you find beautiful.

I'll start us off


Clear Creek, Northern California.

The snow tonight was really beautiful. I mean, snow in and of itself is nothing too remarkable for me, but this snow was really nice. I got out of a test and I was walking towards my car, and the snow was just so nice and light. It was sort of perfect. It was falling just fast enough to not seem static, and just slow enough that you could stand and watch one flake for a while. It was so nice I had the urge to grab some of my friends and drag them out to see it.