Monday, August 28, 2006

who you callin a pussy?

This isn't relevant now. but like a month ago (when i completely forgot to post this) it felt prety right. anyhow. here it is.

It is two thirty in the morning
I suppose that's not a surprise, as I am not one for going to be early.
I'm too alone for it to be perfect.
I never minded being by myself
but being alone never suited me well

I suppose defining the difference would be a good idea.
Being by myself is exactly what it sounds like.
Being alone is not having anyone with whom to relate deeply.

I suppose there are friends
but that's not quite the same
I love my friends, and I enjoy their company.
But there is something else that is not there.

And it is not physical
certainly not physical
I was very physical with my last girlfriend, and this aloneness was still present
I want a companion
and it's a plea I make again and again
a plea I'm sure I will make later
and a plea that I should be ashamed to repeat

not ashamed because it's not a valid plea
ashamed because I state it like a whipped puppy
I state it like a pussy.

Summer 3

So this post will not be in the same "I want to tell you about all of my summer" bent. There is no way I'm actualy going to get to telling you about the whole summer, so I'm not going to try. If I have some post that has nothing but anecdotes from this summer, then it will go on as a "summer #" post, but there will be no chronology, and a lot of things will be skipped.

I'm sure the recent deluge of posts about julie have gotten a bit annoying, and as such I appologize for writing yet another one. At least this one isn't in the fassion of the past posts, all melancholic and whiny.

one night at camp I was feeling sort of lonesome. For a few weeks beforehand julie and I had been skirting around the idea of eachother. anyhow, I was feeling lonesome, despite the 10 or so extra people we had at camp that weekend. While I was down being bored watching a movie with a whole bunch of counselors (I'm a staff memeber, meaning I'm sort of like one of thier bosses) Julie and 3 of her friends were upstairs (in the part of the building I technicaly can't be in) watching a different movie.
of course the fact that she was up where I couldn't be, and I was stuck down here watching a movie I didn't care for with people who, though I liked, were not my peers, irked me a bit.
I got a crazy idea in this frame of mind.
I'm the sort of random person who brings a copy of the complete works of shakespear with him to a wide assortment of places, and luckily the name Julie is very simmilar to Julliete.

I went to my room and found my flashlight (by which to read the passage) and a particular passage which I wanted to read.
(the passage was "O what light from yonder window breaks, it is the east, and julliete is the sun)

I climbed out of the hall way window that would lead me more quickly to the open space below the window of the room julie was hanging out in. I gathered some pebbles of good throwing size and shape from the ground, and walked on to the space under Julie's window.
I practiced the passage a few times, my heart beating out of my chest.
and I stood indecisively below the window for a moment deciding if I was really going to do it.
"You know this is probably a stupid idea, it probably won't go over well. but you're going to do it anyways aren't you" I said to myself.

I tossed up a pebble so it would hit bellow the window, and then tossed a few more.
one of Julie's friends came to the window. I asked for julie (the friend looked slightly peeved)
and I started reading the passage.
I'm sure my voice shuddered, and julie was making this nervous laughter, that (despite it's generaly endearing timbre) made me unsure of myself.
I finished the passage, and said "There's more here, but it has lines for you, so I'll just stop"
"I'll be in the staff lounge if you wanna come down and talk"
and then I calmly and cooly (well as calmly as was possible after that)
walked back to the window I climbed out of, climbed back in, and put my things away.
I went into the staff lounge, sat down in a comfortable chair, not really paying attention to anything.
I felt as if I were on a cloud.

Oh, by the way
that stunt went well.

"Any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone."
that's what I said after I was done kissing her outside my dorm building.
I haven't actualy moved into my dorm building yet. We went to see it on a whim.
She left for school in Boston today, and so on saturday we had dinner.
It was a lovely dinner at this open air vegan rastafarian resturaunt.
The kitchen was a large food van (much like those mobile taco stands you see)
the people were friendly, the atmosphere was very nice and chill, and the food was wonderful. (the place is named Roots n Kulchah, very good, check em out, google em if you must)
We walked back towards downtown sac and chilled in the park on the corner of 15th and L (I wish I knew that park's name)
when walking back from the park to my car, we realized that we still had a few hours to chill.
We didn't have a particular plan as to what to do, so we decided we would drive to Davis to see my eventual dorm building.
The drive was nice, but relatively uneventful, we both expressed our disgust for the causeway.
we got to my dorm building, and took a look around, walked about the outside of it, looked to see what it was like. I liked the building.
we started to walk back to the car, I stoped her in the middle of the sidewalk and kissed her.
and we walked the rest of the way back to the car.
in the process of unlocking her door, I kissed her again. and then just sort of didn't stop.
somewhere in this process I dented the side of my car. (it is a geo metro so that's not too hard to d0, the dent still remains). we chuckled about that and after kissing one more time I said that phrase
"any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone"
and I meant it.

Friday, August 25, 2006

I wish I were more dilligent about posting on this blog of mine here. I don't suppose that's really a commitment to change, only another unrealized desire. It's one in a long line of things I would like to do, but not enough to actualy do them. I suppose that would be considered a form of apathy, but I'm really not an apathetic person, I'm usualy quite proactive. I think it simply may be that I have trouble being in that state inbetween doing nothing, and doing everything.
for instance, I have no good reason to not post more on my blog (with the exception of lack of writing ideas) yet I don't go and do it, because I simply am set with being stagnate. If I'm going to be sitting doing nothing and have to battle my OCD and workaholism anyways, I might as well do it all the way.
but of course just making this post is action, and goes against that whole apathy thing.

oh well.

I got a new issue of Punk Planet today. I've been reading that magazine for a good 2 years, It's quite enjoyable. I've always felt comfortable with the general political and social ideals that are found in that punk community. Now simply refering to music, if you confine yourself to punk, well, you're just being stupid, but in many ways punk has had an influence on mondern music of all forms (though of course some would say metal had more, and thats true, but denying punk's influence is simply idiotic)

I'm not sure If I mentioned this before, but I am now a Vegan.
for those of you who don't know, that means I eat no meat (including fish and birds) and no eggs, or dairy, and probably no honey,(i'm still thinking about that one).
basicaly it's a diet which subsides completely on non animal products. oh, I also don't use wool.
And as far as dietairy needs go, protein isn't the big issue as long as you have a ballanced diet, the real issues are B12 Calcium and Iron.
I may start taking suplements, I'm not sure about that. If I keep up the soy milk drinkage I should be alright (as it has calcium iron and b12 added)
I'll see how it goes and continue to avoid anemia. all I can say about that is thank god I'm not a woman, else I'd have more trouble with that.

I may decide to tell yoy more about the decicion to become a vegan later.
Mostly it's a side effect of my being all obbsessive compulsive, when I ate meat (and after I stopped eating meat, dairy had a simmilar effect) I thought too much about where what I was eating came from, and what was killed to make it (or to what's death it was contributing)
It was really rather selfish, I just feel better now. If you feel fine on a meat diet, go ahead and stick with it. Dietary dogmatism is as anoying as religious dogmatism. I like to avoid both.

until further reason to post (aka boredom) arises.

Monday, August 21, 2006

I was walking home from a friends house tonight. I didn't have a flashlight, and the town I currently live in has no streetlights.
I was acompanied only by stars.
walking home I was just letting my thoughts flow, I started thinking about how beautiful it is up here, and how I'd miss that. then I started thinking, "but I won't miss the people", or rather I won't miss the place because of the people.
there are friends who I'll miss, but its more like "I wish my friend were here" rather than "I wish I were there with my friend."
so I think I might have figured something interesting out.
a good way of determining how much you like someone is by figuring out if you'd just want them to be there with you, or if you'd want to be wherever they are.

I either want my friend to be with me
or to be with my friend

and that difference is pretty big.

chill already

i just need to relax a bit.
all that marrriage stuff (well the freaking out about it bit) was overreaction. that doesn't mean it's still not how I feel, it simply means that I needn't overreact so much. I should relax and let things happen. Of course I need to be proactive, but I need to have the grace to accept those things I can't control.

I just need to chill, and I think I'm well on the way to doing that.

Sunday, August 20, 2006

obsession anyone?

so this is sort of a post just like the last one, woo haa.

just to give you an idea of why I think I might have found, oh you know.

My friend asked me how it was visiting julie. I said amazing.
my friend asked me what we did. I didn't really have an answer to that.
he asked me how it went (refering sort of to how far I got), I basicaly said not far.
"then why was it amazing"
I didn't really have a great answer for that one either, because it doesn't really make sense. Basicaly I just enjoy being around her. There's not much more to it. I feel comfortable, happy, ok, and just generaly in a good state around her.
and its not just like an "all is right with the world" thing.
its more specific.
The little worries that bother me at other times, the little OCD things that bother the fuck out of my at normal times don't bother me so much. I feel like I can deal with everything better.


My Posts have been sporadic and rather random, for this I appologize.
I also appologize for ranting about random things that have no effect on your life, and likely are of no interest to you.
even so, here I go again.

This is along the lines of one of the other posts I made called "I've Found"

This will sound ridiculous. I Only know how it will sound to you because of how it sounds to me.
I think I may have found the girl I'd like to marry.

So one problem with being all obsessive compulsive is that it gets hard to seperate disorderly obsessions from actual feelings and needs. This is definately a case of that.
I know that when I have had crushes, they were often partly functions of that obsessive streak of mine.
this is a bit harder to tell.

back to the whole marriage thing. that is completely utterly ridiculous. I'm only 18, marriage should be the last thing on my mind. Of course when I say girl I'd like to marry, I don't mean now. I mean after a good 5 or 6 or how ever many years it takes of being with eachother, then living together, then just...
It's not like I'm thinking of rushing into anything, or like I want to elope this moment. It's more like this is the first time I've thought that maybe this could become a natural progression to somehow spending the rest of our lives together.

after just a month (less even), this isn't the sort of thing I should be considering. this could very well be a product of having my first relationship. I have had girlfriends before, but with them there was no possibility of it going anywhere, emotionaly or otherwise.
I suppose this is a bit the same, because she is moving to Boston, there shouldn't be a possibility of it going anywhere. For some reason I still feel like it could.

the thing is, I wouldn't be surprised if she moved, and then I thought about her every day for a month, then it became every other day, and then every week, and then every month, and by then it wouldn't really matter, she's just be a bit of a memory. but right now, I can't conceive of that as what will realy happen.
I feel almost like I'll go through all 4 years of college, seeing her maybe durring the summers, maybe not, and stil have this feeling like I could grow old with her.

I feel stupid and neurotic posting this on the internet.
everyone has access to this. And I DEFINATELY don't want to tell her any of this, simply because it's a bit insane, a bit obsessive, and supposing there were actualy a chance of growing old with her, might ruin that chance.

so clicking the little publish post button at the bottom of my screen is probably stupid.

but I'm going to push it anyways, in the hopes that maybe It will make me feel better, clear up any confusion I'm having about all of this.
maybe just stating it will make things a bit better.
here's to hoping.

Tuesday, August 15, 2006

summer 2

after re reading that first post about summer I realized there is no way I can do this chronologicaly, so I wont.
this may be a bit out of order, a bit squished up, and thing will be embelished, but it feels right.

this summer was great
last summer was a bit traumatic, about a week and half into it half of the staff got fired for drinking, mind you I was not part of that half simply because I had Room A that night (each night someone on program staff sleeps in Room A so that counselors can come get us if somthing is wrong with their campers)
our first week and a half went much more smoothly than that. we had a good staff this year.
Everyone had their quirks and inadequacies though.
working at camp is a unique expirience because you both live and work there.
There are some people who are good co workers but you could never live with them, and there are some people who you could live with but never work with, and there are some who you could both live and work with.
camp has all three sorts.
there's also a passive agressive aspect to the way staff deals with eachother (especialy program staff) because you can't always be direct about things, because you have to live with these people and being too direct could hurt the living situation.

the passive agressive-ness, and the little quirks and inadequacies may work in a bit later.

the various weeks were interesting.
one of the weeks we had an important persons child come up to camp, and we knew she was an important persons child (this was also the last year of our long time exectutive director so camps future is in doubt)
with this knowledge we decided we'd try to make her week especialy good, we try to make everyone's week great, but we were basicaly going to watch to make sure she was having a good time.

some crazy things happened, for instance someone in her tent spilled a drink in the cabin, and because we have bears up in tahoe they had to move tents.
and that week we also had a camper (jokingly I hope) threaten rape to one of her tnetmates, and ugg, it was just an insane week
so we weren't sure how the important persons child was, like how good a time she had had, because the week was generaly insane.
a few weeks later we found out that camp had seriously changed her attitude about everything
apparently before she came she was becoming sort of antisocial and rebellious. her family had just made a move or somthing of the sort, and she was depressed and becoming maladjusted.
apparently when she came home she was "a different person"
the parents were pleased, and for all that that works out nicely because of her important father, I think it highlights something important about camp too.
thats how we effect people.
I was basicaly the same, becoming maladjusted and antisocial, and was a bit depressed, and camp made me feel accepted and good about myself, so I was able to come into my own, feel less akward in my skin.

too be continued in Summer 3 ...

Monday, August 14, 2006

summer 1

This will take a while
and for that reason, this post is simply an introduction to my summer, and the posts which will describe it. I may go into too much detail at times, and someitmes I may not elaborate enough, but with any luck this will be a good representation of my summer, and all the joys events that took place durring it.

Summer Part One

(note, this will not all be seperated into nice even weeks, or into nice even days, because some of the summer runs together, but it will be somewhat cronological)

The first week was counselors training, I came a few days late because I had just gotten back from my sisters wedding. I started the week a bit tired
This years counselors weren't particularly good, they failed at many of the team building activites, and as one of the other people there put it "it is a rollercoaster of emotional whatever"

Durring counselors training I had hair down to my shoulders

the next week (or there abouts)
I got the sides of my head shaved and left the center, so I could have liberty spikes
around this time will got half his eyebrow shaved off.
there is a previous post about that

summer to be continued...

I've found

Never try to start a weeklong relationship with anyone no matter how lovely amazing and awesome she is. In fact, the more awesome lovely and amazing she is, the more you shouldn't try it, because anytime you can only start a weeklong thing clearly it has to be over for some reason in a week, and if she's awesome lovely and amazing a week is all it takes to make you absolutly miserable for a good five days after you've left her.
ok, so its only really been like 8 hours, but it feels like five days.
and besides that she'll be in boston in 2 weeks
I should visit her soon, and that'll be great.
but then she's in boston.
this sucks.

makes me think of a line from a song by the format

"suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this, I fall in love far to quickly, I never want her to forget me, when you're gone please call."