Monday, July 03, 2006

so I'm not a melancholic dork, really I'm not

I never intended this to be an online journal or a place to post random thoughts, but I fear that that may be what it's becoming.
If that gets to be a bit tedious I apologize and will definitely go back to my old random semi-entertaining postings.

but here goes.

"It's not a monumental revelation of anything, but every relationships you (or rather I) have with a female has some aspect of sexuality to it. Given, it's not always, in fact not usually, the foremost aspect, it is always there. Now if we wanted to get all psychological about this I could incite Freudian logic, but I will avoid that.
I don't know what this has to do with it, but I enjoy the company of girls more. I don't know how much of that is purely the general male demographic of where I live, I think it's mostly because I just like girls more. I would use women, but let's face it, at 18 I'm not likely to be hanging out with anyone who fits the title woman. One odd thing about hanging out mostly with girls is that some f your actions become more feminine, or at least more adrogynous. So while you are hanging out with girls partially with the intention of getting laid, the direction in which your sexual interest pints, comes into doubt.

I want somebody to love.

that isn't really along the lines of what I was saying before. But its one of the few things I'm completely sure of. I'm always up for getting some (with a few exceptions) but that's just a physical biological issue. The want for companionship runs deeper.
I understand that people similar to me (as far as Jungian types are concerned) tend to be dissatisfied with their relational status, but I'm rather sure this isn't just general dissatisfaction.
I.... I get this pitted feeling, this holeishness, this empty feeling when I think of how along I really am, and how far away I am from love of any other sort than friendly. I Know this sounds much like a melancholic rant and to some extent it is, but melancholic rants stick in our heads, grab onto our synapses like barbs. 'to be or not to be' is the perfect example. No more melancholic soliloquy is so propagated. So I don't think it's bad to have this melancholic soliloquy written down.
and what is more appealing than unrequited love? Those who are loved can mock and laugh, or joy at how they are no longer in the same situation, those who aren't can comisterate or drop into denial. But I sup[pose this isn't really a case of unrequited love. I don't really have a particular possible lover in mind. I have potentials, but no particular. I guess I just over think things."

When I'm jealous, I don't think its specific jealousy. For instance, if I am jealous when I see a couple holding hands in public it isn't because I want that particular girl (though obviously to some extent that's a factor) its because I want to be in that situation.


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