Monday, May 04, 2009

Sometimes I just want to leave.

I love stories and films and shows in which people just leave. They drop things and go to some other place. Find themselves dropped into New York, or London. I've always wanted to just drop things and disappear into some foreign place. I'm surprised I never did anything like that while manic.

Now I'm remembering something like that though. I think the part of these stories I always miss is a partner. I have to have someone I'm running away with. Once when Julie was visiting me in Davis, we drove all the way to San Francisco just because we could. Just because I so wanted to take her there. We didn't practically have the time. We went to the Amtrak to see if we could take the train and that wasn't an option because it was too late.

I drove us there anyways. All the way to Japan town where we stopped at my favourite udonya, and I had great Kitsune udon with Julie. I don't remember what she had. I remember getting lost in north beach where the signs began showing up in Korean, and Chinese, and then I hit the coast. We drove back and the sun set down on us as I pressed the gas pedal and listened to the loud rev of the engine. She sat beside me and we held hands. It was great.

I've never done any disappearing act on my own. I'd love to, but I feel like now that I'm relatively sane, it's too late. I had my chance, but going it alone wasn't what I wanted. I never wanted to disappear into the world alone and isolated while surrounded by city walls. I wanted to go into the void with someone to share the isolation with. To gradually find solace in this ordered world. I wanted to explore a city with a lover.

I never fully fulfilled that desire. It's something I'm not entirely ok with. One of those desires I never got to fulfil. I've had weeks of writing. I am having relative success with my band, I'm working on towards becoming a neuroscientist. I've met other goals, or at least explored their bounds. That disappearing act is one I may never get to fulfil.

I've not really had a partner in quite some time. I'm sane again, and I feel like I can finally give as much as I get, if not more. I want to asuage this loneliness, and I'm ok with how selfish that wish is. I want to be with someone, and I'd like that to be sooner rather than later. I'm not sure how to make that happen, just like I'm not sure how I could ever fulfil my disappearance fantasy. I'm in a limbo which isn't mediated by insanity or by the less kind arms of fate. I don't really know what to do in my situation. I've so many options, but no idea on how to act.

1 comment:

Eve Noir said...

I understand what you mean. I hope you're not offended if I say your post reminded me of the film Into The Wild...have you seen that? (or read the book?) I don't want to give too much info if you haven't.

What are you talking about? You are sooooo young, you have plenty of time to 'disappear.' Me, I'm getting older & it's not something I could easily do. I have always thought about leaving (for I don't know how long though) too.

I don't know...I have mixed feelings if I wanted to disappear for a lil' while with or without a boyfriend. Some things you need to experience on your own in life, I think. But at the same time, it is great to SHARE your experiences with someone else.

I'm not used to doing a lot of things on my own, I get nervous about being around strangers. But the more I actually do it, the more comfortable I get. They always say Be your own best friend first...or you gotta be your own best company (you know what I'm trying to say!).

So I still think about just up & leaving...thought I'm 30 now. But I don't have children, a full-time job, it could be possible I suppose. My therapist has said to me in the past-"Let me know if you plan to go on any road trips." I guess that means I'm about to go crazy!

My fave movie of ALL-TIME is Ghost World...and she talks about the same thing you're saying. I would think it's in a lot of sane (or not so sane) people's minds. Just my thoughts.