Monday, March 30, 2009

A good weekend, and still getting used to my head

If I use chords my songs end up sounding like 90s emo. It's a good thing in my head, because then I can write these lovely songs for just me, because that's what I like to listen to. I don't know that there's much love out there for those sorts of songs though. I'd have to develop them further and frankly I just like having them for myself. Little songs written about theoretical situations, and about actual situations.

Been looking for shows for my band. We don't know what we're gonna call ourselves. It's a problem, but one that I'm sure we'll figure out soon.

I went on a date tonight. It was nice. Had Mexican food and watched that horror movie "the haunting in Connecticut" it was surprisingly good, but I don't feel like going into particulars. It was actually scary and interesting, even with the silly "based on a true story" triteness.

It has been a good weekend.

There's been a lot going on in my head. It's a nice change. It's good to know that the drugs haven't dulled me into a sedated bliss. I'd rather have some wild problems than a completely flat life. I've had great ideas and have had lots of intersecting problems and solutions and examples floating around in my brain space. The big surprise here is that there isn't any elevation of mood to go along with it. My brain still works, and it does so independent of the wild moods that once preceded quick thought.

The practice of writing every day has been wonderfully useful. It's good to get everything out of my head so I can sort through it all. Much like when I'm cleaning my room and I have to put all the piles of things where my bed is so that I can sort them back into the more ordered spaces. It makes thinking easier.

Sometimes I just pause. My head just stops. That's something I don't know that I'll get used to. It's mildly disconcerting, and I don't know quite what to make of it. I know it's probably part of the sedating effect of the seroquel, but I don't know how to parse it. It's such a unique experience, having my head just not work for a moment. I imagine this is what it's like for certain stroke patients, only for them it's constant.

I've been sorting out what is me and what was my mental illness, and it's sort of a fun process. The driving creative type, and the musician and writer are both actually me. That's wonderful to realise. I feel like my writing (other than these posts) has gone down a bit, perhaps not in quality but most certainly in quantity. That may bode well for the school quarter to come, because I won't be putting all that time into writing when I should be studying. Of course knowing me, I doubt studying will ever take the foreground. I don't think that will ever be the case, at least not while I'm unable to do reasearch of my own.

I'm very excited for my classes. They're all psychology classes, in fact they're all cognitive neuroscience classes. That's very exciting because that's what I want to do. I have my seminar tomorrow, and then tuesday I've Perception, Cognitive Development, and Cognitive Neuroscience. I'm looking so forward to all this. The stuff that we cover in these classes is so interesting and so much of it is new. I haven't learned a lot of it yet, and that's of vital interest to me. I think that this may be a quarter where I'd enjoy putting out the amount of effort I'd need to to get straight As.

I'm so topsy turvy today though. I've lots of things on my mind, most of them good. I feel like tonight is one of those nights were I could just stay up and clean my room, listen to music and write. I've had many nights like that, and it is a little sad to prevent them by taking my drugs on time. I'm ok with it though because I'll be able to put my whole energies into my class tomorrow which promises to be wonderful.

It takes some getting used to, putting off the energetic cleaning and writing that I do when all hyped up for some other day. That's part of why my room is such a mess. The whole space has books and clothes spread all about and I don't much like it, but the hyper cleaning sprees that I before went on, no longer come to me. I have to figure out how to clean like a normal person, and I just don't know how that works. I imagine it wouldn't be so bad if I just had to do a little bit every day, but I haven't cleaned since before starting on my drugs, so the mess is a large mess, and I don't have the will to clean it all up. It's somewhat daunting without a head of steam to get me doing it all.

I'm sure I'll get it sometime when I'm avoiding working on classwork or something. I'm not sure, but I would hope so.

My head is a little too jumbled to fully post much further, I don't have organised thoughts like I did last night with my lovely rant on anarchism. Sometimes that happens. I hope my blog posts don't suffer from it.

I do appologise for all these self centred posts. It's not hard for me to write about things other than myself, but there is a lot of stuff going on with me, and people keep telling me I'm interesting. I'm not sure it's a good thing, because I'd ultimately like to keep my ego in check, but it does make me feel a little more justified in writing about the things going on with my head.

I do suppose it's interesting to hear about how someone is dealing and has dealt with mental illness and the drugs that go along with it and all that stuff. I guess I am in a unique position to report on that stuff.

If it ever gets boring, repetative, or overly self important please do let me know in comments or emails.

No comments: