I'm only real when I'm creating.

I'm not always sure what I'm going to write about when I sit down to write a blog post, but I do it every day and somehow I always come up with some writing topic. That's something new to me, having to force myself to write every day. I write every day whether or not I feel like it, because no longer do my moods drive me to write. I still feel driven sometimes, and I still have important things to say (or so I think), but I don't have the same sort of fervour.

I sort of want to move. I like Davis. The place is fine, but I feel almost like I need a new setting to fit the new person I'm becoming. I'm still the same in a lot of ways, but not being blown about on the winds of mood is something that takes a lot of settling down to. I'm getting used to it of course, but I don't entirely feel the same. I almost miss the wild fluctuations, even though they caused so much distress.

Sometimes I feel like the stuff I'm putting the most time into now isn't the stuff I want to produce. I'm playing music that I like with matt, but I feel like there's a whole lot of boundary pushing I want to do with my other music. That hit me today while sitting around with Matt. It wasn't a practice session or anything, but I kept on being more and more annoyed at the little things he does, and it kind of hit me that I'd rather be sitting with my loop pedal and working on some of the difficult problems that I have with the musical pointillism stuff. The thing is that when playing with him I get bored. The bass lines bore me, and the things no matter how good they sound tend to feel less vital than the stuff I create alone or with Dan.

I like playing with Matt, and I want it to go somewhere, I'm excited about it in a lot of ways, but I can't just do that, and sometimes it gets in the way for the stuff that most interests me. It hurts that I woke up at 4 in the afternoon, so already I haven't as much time to do the stuff I want to, but I'm still not willing to take the time that I would play my musical pointillism and put it towards this other stuff I'm doing.

I guess that's what my problem is. I like doing this but not at the cost of the music that I feel like no one is doing. Sans Francisco is doing something interesting, but it's not something that engages me every time I play it. When I play one of the bass lines I'm not fully there, and when I sing one of the lines I'm not fully there. It doesn't feel like creation. That's the thing I'm not real unless I'm making something. The time when I'm writing music, or writing blog posts, or making something are when I'm fully involved. Rehearsing things I've already made bores me to death. Writing bass lines to things already written bores me to death. I can only do so much of it before I get all pissed off.

I have to be making new things. I like playing my own songs that I've written, but not nearly as much as writing new things. That's part of why there's a heavy improv element to the musical pointillism stuff, that way I'm real while I'm on stage. That way I'm actually a full person. I'm not performing something that already exists.

I just want to be real, and the only way I can do that is by making. Making anything really. I don't create the way others breathe, but if I don't create there isn't a point in breathing.

I'm tired of doing the same things over again. I know how important it is to have a song tight, have it put together so well that it sounds perfect, but I don't know if I have the patience to make that happen. I can't cede my existence for that long. It's so close to making something, and yet so far. I want to eschew the routine, the practised, the automatic. I can spend my time in front of the TV not existing, but I WILL not spend my time with a guitar or bass in my hands not existing. That's part of why I don't remember bass lines. I can't stand doing the same thing every time. I tried. I will continue to try, and I intellectually understand the importance of it, but I can't force myself into that rut.

I'll keep on with Sans Francisco, but I'm keeping on for when we make new songs. I'm keeping on for the catchyness of the songs we write, not because I like playing the song perfectly. I don't like playing a song perfectly, if it's the same song I've played ten billion times. I like writing the song. I'll perform because I must, but I exist only for the creative bit. Playing music isn't creative, only making it is.