This is relatively awesome photo of the sunrise off of a parking structure in davis. I took it on my cell phone (as my digital camera was not with me) hece quality issues and the such.
Thursday, September 28, 2006
sunrise
Sunday, September 24, 2006
finaly the wait is over
Yesterday I moved into my room at UC Davis. I'm quite pleased, not only is the room larger than I expected, all of the stuff I brought was less of a hassle than I expected.
I'm enjoying myself so far, went to a party, talked to random people, so on so forth. It's pretty nice.
I feel very settled, I don't think I'll need time to get used to anything, because this feels right.
thats what I wanted
and I'm glad it's the case.
until I start classes on thursday I expect it to be fairly uneventful, but that's not a problem. When I start classes I'll likely make another post.
I'm enjoying myself so far, went to a party, talked to random people, so on so forth. It's pretty nice.
I feel very settled, I don't think I'll need time to get used to anything, because this feels right.
thats what I wanted
and I'm glad it's the case.
until I start classes on thursday I expect it to be fairly uneventful, but that's not a problem. When I start classes I'll likely make another post.
Thursday, September 21, 2006
the Waiting place
I do believe Dr. Suess described waiting best.
That is truly one of the most tiresom things you will ever have to do, wait.
I am normaly rather good tempered about waiting, especialy when it is in the context of something such as a doctors visit.
I'd much rather be early and have to wait, than be perfectly on time and have to rush.
It is only when waiting encroches on my existence that I detest it.
When waiting is all that I do for a month, as I have for the start of school, it is simply intolerable.
or if not intolerable, greatly stressing. I have less trouble existing in a "high stress" busy environment than in one in which all there is for me to do is wait.
I am starting on 15 years of education of one form or another, I would like to get started as soon as I can.
If there were more to do, relevant to my future existence, I would be fine, but once I am accepted and everything is squared away, what am i to do. I certainly can't start studying for classes, and i've already spend hours upon hours researching what i'm going to do after I graduate, why must we start so late.
on a happier note, tomorow I begin my move.
My departure from my childhood home,
and my thankful leaving of this place in which I felt so stifled and constrained.
finaly the day I've hoped for for most of my existence is coming.
and there is no way it will not live up to my expectations
because my expectations are rather simple
I expect that it will be someplace that is not here.
"headed, I fear, toward a most useless place.
The Waiting Place...
...for people just waiting.
Waiting for a train to go
or a bus to come, or a plane to go
or the mail to come, or the rain to go
or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow
or waiting around for a Yes or a No
or waiting for their hair to grow.
Everyone is just waiting.
Waiting for the fish to bite
or waiting for wind to fly a kite
or waiting around for Friday night
or waiting, perhaps, for their Uncle Jake
or a pot to boil, or a Better Break
or a sting of pearls, or a pair of pants
or a wig with curls, or Another Chance.
Everyone is just waiting."
from "Oh the Places You'll go"
That is truly one of the most tiresom things you will ever have to do, wait.
I am normaly rather good tempered about waiting, especialy when it is in the context of something such as a doctors visit.
I'd much rather be early and have to wait, than be perfectly on time and have to rush.
It is only when waiting encroches on my existence that I detest it.
When waiting is all that I do for a month, as I have for the start of school, it is simply intolerable.
or if not intolerable, greatly stressing. I have less trouble existing in a "high stress" busy environment than in one in which all there is for me to do is wait.
I am starting on 15 years of education of one form or another, I would like to get started as soon as I can.
If there were more to do, relevant to my future existence, I would be fine, but once I am accepted and everything is squared away, what am i to do. I certainly can't start studying for classes, and i've already spend hours upon hours researching what i'm going to do after I graduate, why must we start so late.
on a happier note, tomorow I begin my move.
My departure from my childhood home,
and my thankful leaving of this place in which I felt so stifled and constrained.
finaly the day I've hoped for for most of my existence is coming.
and there is no way it will not live up to my expectations
because my expectations are rather simple
I expect that it will be someplace that is not here.
Lantern
This is a wonderful post over at "the examining room of Dr. Charles"
I Highly recomend that you all check it out.
http://scienceblogs.com/drcharles/2006/09/lantern.php
I Highly recomend that you all check it out.
http://scienceblogs.com/drcharles/2006/09/lantern.php
Wednesday, September 20, 2006
where is this going?
My life is aboslutly wonderful at this point in time, and its very uninteresting, as I haven't started on school yet, still have a few days till I get to that.
Hopefully once I get down to Davis and start on some classes I'll have more to write about.
basicaly this is where the blog is going.
when I get a job as an EMT this will more or less become and EMT blog
then I'll get going on to med school, and this will become a med students blog
then there's residency, and yes a residency blog
then there's fellowship, blog for that too
when I get to actualy practicing, I may or may not keep it.
truth is I may or may not keep it anyways.
On the upside more interesting days are ahead.
as of now this is mostly filled with my ranting (not that that won't be the main feature of it in the future, its simply that in the future the ranting will be about relevant things)
hopefully it will get more interesting soon.
for those of you who have so patiently waited for something to come from all this, the light is at the end of the tunnel, and the time is near.
just wait a little bit longer
thank you
Hopefully once I get down to Davis and start on some classes I'll have more to write about.
basicaly this is where the blog is going.
when I get a job as an EMT this will more or less become and EMT blog
then I'll get going on to med school, and this will become a med students blog
then there's residency, and yes a residency blog
then there's fellowship, blog for that too
when I get to actualy practicing, I may or may not keep it.
truth is I may or may not keep it anyways.
On the upside more interesting days are ahead.
as of now this is mostly filled with my ranting (not that that won't be the main feature of it in the future, its simply that in the future the ranting will be about relevant things)
hopefully it will get more interesting soon.
for those of you who have so patiently waited for something to come from all this, the light is at the end of the tunnel, and the time is near.
just wait a little bit longer
thank you
Saturday, September 09, 2006
I Know what I want to do with my life. Trauma Surgery.
I feel bad that my last few posts have been things that are generaly only of interest to me.
I don't know if this post will move away from that trent, but hopefully it will .
I have decided what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I am going to become a trauma surgeon.
you may notice that I didn't phrase it "I want to". this is simply because it's not a matter of desire, it's a matter of fact. I AM going to become a trauma surgeon.
this isn't a cocky procolmation, I simply feel that nothing else quite matches me so well. I feel that that is what I am called to do.
This is going to take about 15 years of education, this isn't all classroom education, around 7 of those years are in residency and fellowship.
I have 4 years of undergraduate work durring which I'll get a B.S. In Psychology, and a B.S. in Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavior.
I have 4 years of Medical school, where I will become an MD.
I have 5 years of residency In general surgery.
last, but definately not least, I have 2 (or so) years of Trauma Surgery/ Critical Care Surgery Fellowship.
I am going to UC Davis for my undergrad. I have a short list of medical schools I want to go to
Harvard,
University of Chicago
UC San Francisco
UC Davis
Stanford
Tufts
NYU
Possibly John's Hopkins.
there are other possible schools, but I have to research more (and it is 4 years off)
for residency I have a bit less choice in the matter, but I would LOVE to go to UC San Francisco for my surgical residency, they are one of my top choices (this is partly coloured by having read "Cutting remarks: Insights and recollections of a Surgeon")
and I definately want to do my fellowship if at all possible at the county hospital in L.A. run by USC, (army surgeons used to be sent there to learn how to deal with gunshot wounds because it was the closest to battle that they could get without actualy working on soldiers)
if any of my readers (as few as there are) have suggestions for me, on med schools which are good, residency programs which are good, ideas for med school, study ideas, anything that may help please leave a comment, thank you so much.
I don't know if this post will move away from that trent, but hopefully it will .
I have decided what I want to do with the rest of my life.
I am going to become a trauma surgeon.
you may notice that I didn't phrase it "I want to". this is simply because it's not a matter of desire, it's a matter of fact. I AM going to become a trauma surgeon.
this isn't a cocky procolmation, I simply feel that nothing else quite matches me so well. I feel that that is what I am called to do.
This is going to take about 15 years of education, this isn't all classroom education, around 7 of those years are in residency and fellowship.
I have 4 years of undergraduate work durring which I'll get a B.S. In Psychology, and a B.S. in Neurobiology, Physiology, and Behavior.
I have 4 years of Medical school, where I will become an MD.
I have 5 years of residency In general surgery.
last, but definately not least, I have 2 (or so) years of Trauma Surgery/ Critical Care Surgery Fellowship.
I am going to UC Davis for my undergrad. I have a short list of medical schools I want to go to
Harvard,
University of Chicago
UC San Francisco
UC Davis
Stanford
Tufts
NYU
Possibly John's Hopkins.
there are other possible schools, but I have to research more (and it is 4 years off)
for residency I have a bit less choice in the matter, but I would LOVE to go to UC San Francisco for my surgical residency, they are one of my top choices (this is partly coloured by having read "Cutting remarks: Insights and recollections of a Surgeon")
and I definately want to do my fellowship if at all possible at the county hospital in L.A. run by USC, (army surgeons used to be sent there to learn how to deal with gunshot wounds because it was the closest to battle that they could get without actualy working on soldiers)
if any of my readers (as few as there are) have suggestions for me, on med schools which are good, residency programs which are good, ideas for med school, study ideas, anything that may help please leave a comment, thank you so much.
Monday, August 28, 2006
who you callin a pussy?
This isn't relevant now. but like a month ago (when i completely forgot to post this) it felt prety right. anyhow. here it is.
It is two thirty in the morning
I suppose that's not a surprise, as I am not one for going to be early.
I'm too alone for it to be perfect.
I never minded being by myself
but being alone never suited me well
I suppose defining the difference would be a good idea.
Being by myself is exactly what it sounds like.
Being alone is not having anyone with whom to relate deeply.
I suppose there are friends
but that's not quite the same
I love my friends, and I enjoy their company.
But there is something else that is not there.
And it is not physical
certainly not physical
I was very physical with my last girlfriend, and this aloneness was still present
I want a companion
and it's a plea I make again and again
a plea I'm sure I will make later
and a plea that I should be ashamed to repeat
not ashamed because it's not a valid plea
ashamed because I state it like a whipped puppy
I state it like a pussy.
Summer 3
So this post will not be in the same "I want to tell you about all of my summer" bent. There is no way I'm actualy going to get to telling you about the whole summer, so I'm not going to try. If I have some post that has nothing but anecdotes from this summer, then it will go on as a "summer #" post, but there will be no chronology, and a lot of things will be skipped.
anywho.
I'm sure the recent deluge of posts about julie have gotten a bit annoying, and as such I appologize for writing yet another one. At least this one isn't in the fassion of the past posts, all melancholic and whiny.
one night at camp I was feeling sort of lonesome. For a few weeks beforehand julie and I had been skirting around the idea of eachother. anyhow, I was feeling lonesome, despite the 10 or so extra people we had at camp that weekend. While I was down being bored watching a movie with a whole bunch of counselors (I'm a staff memeber, meaning I'm sort of like one of thier bosses) Julie and 3 of her friends were upstairs (in the part of the building I technicaly can't be in) watching a different movie.
of course the fact that she was up where I couldn't be, and I was stuck down here watching a movie I didn't care for with people who, though I liked, were not my peers, irked me a bit.
I got a crazy idea in this frame of mind.
I'm the sort of random person who brings a copy of the complete works of shakespear with him to a wide assortment of places, and luckily the name Julie is very simmilar to Julliete.
I went to my room and found my flashlight (by which to read the passage) and a particular passage which I wanted to read.
(the passage was "O what light from yonder window breaks, it is the east, and julliete is the sun)
I climbed out of the hall way window that would lead me more quickly to the open space below the window of the room julie was hanging out in. I gathered some pebbles of good throwing size and shape from the ground, and walked on to the space under Julie's window.
I practiced the passage a few times, my heart beating out of my chest.
and I stood indecisively below the window for a moment deciding if I was really going to do it.
"You know this is probably a stupid idea, it probably won't go over well. but you're going to do it anyways aren't you" I said to myself.
I tossed up a pebble so it would hit bellow the window, and then tossed a few more.
one of Julie's friends came to the window. I asked for julie (the friend looked slightly peeved)
and I started reading the passage.
I'm sure my voice shuddered, and julie was making this nervous laughter, that (despite it's generaly endearing timbre) made me unsure of myself.
I finished the passage, and said "There's more here, but it has lines for you, so I'll just stop"
"I'll be in the staff lounge if you wanna come down and talk"
and then I calmly and cooly (well as calmly as was possible after that)
walked back to the window I climbed out of, climbed back in, and put my things away.
I went into the staff lounge, sat down in a comfortable chair, not really paying attention to anything.
I felt as if I were on a cloud.
Oh, by the way
that stunt went well.
anywho.
I'm sure the recent deluge of posts about julie have gotten a bit annoying, and as such I appologize for writing yet another one. At least this one isn't in the fassion of the past posts, all melancholic and whiny.
one night at camp I was feeling sort of lonesome. For a few weeks beforehand julie and I had been skirting around the idea of eachother. anyhow, I was feeling lonesome, despite the 10 or so extra people we had at camp that weekend. While I was down being bored watching a movie with a whole bunch of counselors (I'm a staff memeber, meaning I'm sort of like one of thier bosses) Julie and 3 of her friends were upstairs (in the part of the building I technicaly can't be in) watching a different movie.
of course the fact that she was up where I couldn't be, and I was stuck down here watching a movie I didn't care for with people who, though I liked, were not my peers, irked me a bit.
I got a crazy idea in this frame of mind.
I'm the sort of random person who brings a copy of the complete works of shakespear with him to a wide assortment of places, and luckily the name Julie is very simmilar to Julliete.
I went to my room and found my flashlight (by which to read the passage) and a particular passage which I wanted to read.
(the passage was "O what light from yonder window breaks, it is the east, and julliete is the sun)
I climbed out of the hall way window that would lead me more quickly to the open space below the window of the room julie was hanging out in. I gathered some pebbles of good throwing size and shape from the ground, and walked on to the space under Julie's window.
I practiced the passage a few times, my heart beating out of my chest.
and I stood indecisively below the window for a moment deciding if I was really going to do it.
"You know this is probably a stupid idea, it probably won't go over well. but you're going to do it anyways aren't you" I said to myself.
I tossed up a pebble so it would hit bellow the window, and then tossed a few more.
one of Julie's friends came to the window. I asked for julie (the friend looked slightly peeved)
and I started reading the passage.
I'm sure my voice shuddered, and julie was making this nervous laughter, that (despite it's generaly endearing timbre) made me unsure of myself.
I finished the passage, and said "There's more here, but it has lines for you, so I'll just stop"
"I'll be in the staff lounge if you wanna come down and talk"
and then I calmly and cooly (well as calmly as was possible after that)
walked back to the window I climbed out of, climbed back in, and put my things away.
I went into the staff lounge, sat down in a comfortable chair, not really paying attention to anything.
I felt as if I were on a cloud.
Oh, by the way
that stunt went well.
"Any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone."
that's what I said after I was done kissing her outside my dorm building.
I haven't actualy moved into my dorm building yet. We went to see it on a whim.
She left for school in Boston today, and so on saturday we had dinner.
It was a lovely dinner at this open air vegan rastafarian resturaunt.
The kitchen was a large food van (much like those mobile taco stands you see)
the people were friendly, the atmosphere was very nice and chill, and the food was wonderful. (the place is named Roots n Kulchah, very good, check em out, google em if you must)
We walked back towards downtown sac and chilled in the park on the corner of 15th and L (I wish I knew that park's name)
when walking back from the park to my car, we realized that we still had a few hours to chill.
We didn't have a particular plan as to what to do, so we decided we would drive to Davis to see my eventual dorm building.
The drive was nice, but relatively uneventful, we both expressed our disgust for the causeway.
we got to my dorm building, and took a look around, walked about the outside of it, looked to see what it was like. I liked the building.
we started to walk back to the car, I stoped her in the middle of the sidewalk and kissed her.
and we walked the rest of the way back to the car.
in the process of unlocking her door, I kissed her again. and then just sort of didn't stop.
somewhere in this process I dented the side of my car. (it is a geo metro so that's not too hard to d0, the dent still remains). we chuckled about that and after kissing one more time I said that phrase
"any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone"
and I meant it.
that's what I said after I was done kissing her outside my dorm building.
I haven't actualy moved into my dorm building yet. We went to see it on a whim.
She left for school in Boston today, and so on saturday we had dinner.
It was a lovely dinner at this open air vegan rastafarian resturaunt.
The kitchen was a large food van (much like those mobile taco stands you see)
the people were friendly, the atmosphere was very nice and chill, and the food was wonderful. (the place is named Roots n Kulchah, very good, check em out, google em if you must)
We walked back towards downtown sac and chilled in the park on the corner of 15th and L (I wish I knew that park's name)
when walking back from the park to my car, we realized that we still had a few hours to chill.
We didn't have a particular plan as to what to do, so we decided we would drive to Davis to see my eventual dorm building.
The drive was nice, but relatively uneventful, we both expressed our disgust for the causeway.
we got to my dorm building, and took a look around, walked about the outside of it, looked to see what it was like. I liked the building.
we started to walk back to the car, I stoped her in the middle of the sidewalk and kissed her.
and we walked the rest of the way back to the car.
in the process of unlocking her door, I kissed her again. and then just sort of didn't stop.
somewhere in this process I dented the side of my car. (it is a geo metro so that's not too hard to d0, the dent still remains). we chuckled about that and after kissing one more time I said that phrase
"any doubts I had about the direction my life is going, are gone"
and I meant it.
Friday, August 25, 2006
I wish I were more dilligent about posting on this blog of mine here. I don't suppose that's really a commitment to change, only another unrealized desire. It's one in a long line of things I would like to do, but not enough to actualy do them. I suppose that would be considered a form of apathy, but I'm really not an apathetic person, I'm usualy quite proactive. I think it simply may be that I have trouble being in that state inbetween doing nothing, and doing everything.
for instance, I have no good reason to not post more on my blog (with the exception of lack of writing ideas) yet I don't go and do it, because I simply am set with being stagnate. If I'm going to be sitting doing nothing and have to battle my OCD and workaholism anyways, I might as well do it all the way.
but of course just making this post is action, and goes against that whole apathy thing.
oh well.
I got a new issue of Punk Planet today. I've been reading that magazine for a good 2 years, It's quite enjoyable. I've always felt comfortable with the general political and social ideals that are found in that punk community. Now simply refering to music, if you confine yourself to punk, well, you're just being stupid, but in many ways punk has had an influence on mondern music of all forms (though of course some would say metal had more, and thats true, but denying punk's influence is simply idiotic)
I'm not sure If I mentioned this before, but I am now a Vegan.
for those of you who don't know, that means I eat no meat (including fish and birds) and no eggs, or dairy, and probably no honey,(i'm still thinking about that one).
basicaly it's a diet which subsides completely on non animal products. oh, I also don't use wool.
And as far as dietairy needs go, protein isn't the big issue as long as you have a ballanced diet, the real issues are B12 Calcium and Iron.
I may start taking suplements, I'm not sure about that. If I keep up the soy milk drinkage I should be alright (as it has calcium iron and b12 added)
I'll see how it goes and continue to avoid anemia. all I can say about that is thank god I'm not a woman, else I'd have more trouble with that.
I may decide to tell yoy more about the decicion to become a vegan later.
Mostly it's a side effect of my being all obbsessive compulsive, when I ate meat (and after I stopped eating meat, dairy had a simmilar effect) I thought too much about where what I was eating came from, and what was killed to make it (or to what's death it was contributing)
It was really rather selfish, I just feel better now. If you feel fine on a meat diet, go ahead and stick with it. Dietary dogmatism is as anoying as religious dogmatism. I like to avoid both.
adios
until further reason to post (aka boredom) arises.
for instance, I have no good reason to not post more on my blog (with the exception of lack of writing ideas) yet I don't go and do it, because I simply am set with being stagnate. If I'm going to be sitting doing nothing and have to battle my OCD and workaholism anyways, I might as well do it all the way.
but of course just making this post is action, and goes against that whole apathy thing.
oh well.
I got a new issue of Punk Planet today. I've been reading that magazine for a good 2 years, It's quite enjoyable. I've always felt comfortable with the general political and social ideals that are found in that punk community. Now simply refering to music, if you confine yourself to punk, well, you're just being stupid, but in many ways punk has had an influence on mondern music of all forms (though of course some would say metal had more, and thats true, but denying punk's influence is simply idiotic)
I'm not sure If I mentioned this before, but I am now a Vegan.
for those of you who don't know, that means I eat no meat (including fish and birds) and no eggs, or dairy, and probably no honey,(i'm still thinking about that one).
basicaly it's a diet which subsides completely on non animal products. oh, I also don't use wool.
And as far as dietairy needs go, protein isn't the big issue as long as you have a ballanced diet, the real issues are B12 Calcium and Iron.
I may start taking suplements, I'm not sure about that. If I keep up the soy milk drinkage I should be alright (as it has calcium iron and b12 added)
I'll see how it goes and continue to avoid anemia. all I can say about that is thank god I'm not a woman, else I'd have more trouble with that.
I may decide to tell yoy more about the decicion to become a vegan later.
Mostly it's a side effect of my being all obbsessive compulsive, when I ate meat (and after I stopped eating meat, dairy had a simmilar effect) I thought too much about where what I was eating came from, and what was killed to make it (or to what's death it was contributing)
It was really rather selfish, I just feel better now. If you feel fine on a meat diet, go ahead and stick with it. Dietary dogmatism is as anoying as religious dogmatism. I like to avoid both.
adios
until further reason to post (aka boredom) arises.
Monday, August 21, 2006
I was walking home from a friends house tonight. I didn't have a flashlight, and the town I currently live in has no streetlights.
I was acompanied only by stars.
walking home I was just letting my thoughts flow, I started thinking about how beautiful it is up here, and how I'd miss that. then I started thinking, "but I won't miss the people", or rather I won't miss the place because of the people.
there are friends who I'll miss, but its more like "I wish my friend were here" rather than "I wish I were there with my friend."
so I think I might have figured something interesting out.
a good way of determining how much you like someone is by figuring out if you'd just want them to be there with you, or if you'd want to be wherever they are.
I either want my friend to be with me
or to be with my friend
and that difference is pretty big.
I was acompanied only by stars.
walking home I was just letting my thoughts flow, I started thinking about how beautiful it is up here, and how I'd miss that. then I started thinking, "but I won't miss the people", or rather I won't miss the place because of the people.
there are friends who I'll miss, but its more like "I wish my friend were here" rather than "I wish I were there with my friend."
so I think I might have figured something interesting out.
a good way of determining how much you like someone is by figuring out if you'd just want them to be there with you, or if you'd want to be wherever they are.
I either want my friend to be with me
or to be with my friend
and that difference is pretty big.
chill already
i just need to relax a bit.
all that marrriage stuff (well the freaking out about it bit) was overreaction. that doesn't mean it's still not how I feel, it simply means that I needn't overreact so much. I should relax and let things happen. Of course I need to be proactive, but I need to have the grace to accept those things I can't control.
I just need to chill, and I think I'm well on the way to doing that.
all that marrriage stuff (well the freaking out about it bit) was overreaction. that doesn't mean it's still not how I feel, it simply means that I needn't overreact so much. I should relax and let things happen. Of course I need to be proactive, but I need to have the grace to accept those things I can't control.
I just need to chill, and I think I'm well on the way to doing that.
Sunday, August 20, 2006
obsession anyone?
so this is sort of a post just like the last one, woo haa.
just to give you an idea of why I think I might have found, oh you know.
My friend asked me how it was visiting julie. I said amazing.
my friend asked me what we did. I didn't really have an answer to that.
he asked me how it went (refering sort of to how far I got), I basicaly said not far.
"then why was it amazing"
I didn't really have a great answer for that one either, because it doesn't really make sense. Basicaly I just enjoy being around her. There's not much more to it. I feel comfortable, happy, ok, and just generaly in a good state around her.
and its not just like an "all is right with the world" thing.
its more specific.
The little worries that bother me at other times, the little OCD things that bother the fuck out of my at normal times don't bother me so much. I feel like I can deal with everything better.
just to give you an idea of why I think I might have found, oh you know.
My friend asked me how it was visiting julie. I said amazing.
my friend asked me what we did. I didn't really have an answer to that.
he asked me how it went (refering sort of to how far I got), I basicaly said not far.
"then why was it amazing"
I didn't really have a great answer for that one either, because it doesn't really make sense. Basicaly I just enjoy being around her. There's not much more to it. I feel comfortable, happy, ok, and just generaly in a good state around her.
and its not just like an "all is right with the world" thing.
its more specific.
The little worries that bother me at other times, the little OCD things that bother the fuck out of my at normal times don't bother me so much. I feel like I can deal with everything better.
ugg
My Posts have been sporadic and rather random, for this I appologize.
I also appologize for ranting about random things that have no effect on your life, and likely are of no interest to you.
even so, here I go again.
This is along the lines of one of the other posts I made called "I've Found"
This will sound ridiculous. I Only know how it will sound to you because of how it sounds to me.
I think I may have found the girl I'd like to marry.
So one problem with being all obsessive compulsive is that it gets hard to seperate disorderly obsessions from actual feelings and needs. This is definately a case of that.
I know that when I have had crushes, they were often partly functions of that obsessive streak of mine.
this is a bit harder to tell.
back to the whole marriage thing. that is completely utterly ridiculous. I'm only 18, marriage should be the last thing on my mind. Of course when I say girl I'd like to marry, I don't mean now. I mean after a good 5 or 6 or how ever many years it takes of being with eachother, then living together, then just...
It's not like I'm thinking of rushing into anything, or like I want to elope this moment. It's more like this is the first time I've thought that maybe this could become a natural progression to somehow spending the rest of our lives together.
after just a month (less even), this isn't the sort of thing I should be considering. this could very well be a product of having my first relationship. I have had girlfriends before, but with them there was no possibility of it going anywhere, emotionaly or otherwise.
I suppose this is a bit the same, because she is moving to Boston, there shouldn't be a possibility of it going anywhere. For some reason I still feel like it could.
the thing is, I wouldn't be surprised if she moved, and then I thought about her every day for a month, then it became every other day, and then every week, and then every month, and by then it wouldn't really matter, she's just be a bit of a memory. but right now, I can't conceive of that as what will realy happen.
I feel almost like I'll go through all 4 years of college, seeing her maybe durring the summers, maybe not, and stil have this feeling like I could grow old with her.
I feel stupid and neurotic posting this on the internet.
everyone has access to this. And I DEFINATELY don't want to tell her any of this, simply because it's a bit insane, a bit obsessive, and supposing there were actualy a chance of growing old with her, might ruin that chance.
so clicking the little publish post button at the bottom of my screen is probably stupid.
but I'm going to push it anyways, in the hopes that maybe It will make me feel better, clear up any confusion I'm having about all of this.
maybe just stating it will make things a bit better.
here's to hoping.
I also appologize for ranting about random things that have no effect on your life, and likely are of no interest to you.
even so, here I go again.
This is along the lines of one of the other posts I made called "I've Found"
This will sound ridiculous. I Only know how it will sound to you because of how it sounds to me.
I think I may have found the girl I'd like to marry.
So one problem with being all obsessive compulsive is that it gets hard to seperate disorderly obsessions from actual feelings and needs. This is definately a case of that.
I know that when I have had crushes, they were often partly functions of that obsessive streak of mine.
this is a bit harder to tell.
back to the whole marriage thing. that is completely utterly ridiculous. I'm only 18, marriage should be the last thing on my mind. Of course when I say girl I'd like to marry, I don't mean now. I mean after a good 5 or 6 or how ever many years it takes of being with eachother, then living together, then just...
It's not like I'm thinking of rushing into anything, or like I want to elope this moment. It's more like this is the first time I've thought that maybe this could become a natural progression to somehow spending the rest of our lives together.
after just a month (less even), this isn't the sort of thing I should be considering. this could very well be a product of having my first relationship. I have had girlfriends before, but with them there was no possibility of it going anywhere, emotionaly or otherwise.
I suppose this is a bit the same, because she is moving to Boston, there shouldn't be a possibility of it going anywhere. For some reason I still feel like it could.
the thing is, I wouldn't be surprised if she moved, and then I thought about her every day for a month, then it became every other day, and then every week, and then every month, and by then it wouldn't really matter, she's just be a bit of a memory. but right now, I can't conceive of that as what will realy happen.
I feel almost like I'll go through all 4 years of college, seeing her maybe durring the summers, maybe not, and stil have this feeling like I could grow old with her.
I feel stupid and neurotic posting this on the internet.
everyone has access to this. And I DEFINATELY don't want to tell her any of this, simply because it's a bit insane, a bit obsessive, and supposing there were actualy a chance of growing old with her, might ruin that chance.
so clicking the little publish post button at the bottom of my screen is probably stupid.
but I'm going to push it anyways, in the hopes that maybe It will make me feel better, clear up any confusion I'm having about all of this.
maybe just stating it will make things a bit better.
here's to hoping.
Tuesday, August 15, 2006
summer 2
after re reading that first post about summer I realized there is no way I can do this chronologicaly, so I wont.
this may be a bit out of order, a bit squished up, and thing will be embelished, but it feels right.
this summer was great
last summer was a bit traumatic, about a week and half into it half of the staff got fired for drinking, mind you I was not part of that half simply because I had Room A that night (each night someone on program staff sleeps in Room A so that counselors can come get us if somthing is wrong with their campers)
our first week and a half went much more smoothly than that. we had a good staff this year.
Everyone had their quirks and inadequacies though.
working at camp is a unique expirience because you both live and work there.
There are some people who are good co workers but you could never live with them, and there are some people who you could live with but never work with, and there are some who you could both live and work with.
camp has all three sorts.
there's also a passive agressive aspect to the way staff deals with eachother (especialy program staff) because you can't always be direct about things, because you have to live with these people and being too direct could hurt the living situation.
the passive agressive-ness, and the little quirks and inadequacies may work in a bit later.
the various weeks were interesting.
one of the weeks we had an important persons child come up to camp, and we knew she was an important persons child (this was also the last year of our long time exectutive director so camps future is in doubt)
with this knowledge we decided we'd try to make her week especialy good, we try to make everyone's week great, but we were basicaly going to watch to make sure she was having a good time.
some crazy things happened, for instance someone in her tent spilled a drink in the cabin, and because we have bears up in tahoe they had to move tents.
and that week we also had a camper (jokingly I hope) threaten rape to one of her tnetmates, and ugg, it was just an insane week
so we weren't sure how the important persons child was, like how good a time she had had, because the week was generaly insane.
a few weeks later we found out that camp had seriously changed her attitude about everything
apparently before she came she was becoming sort of antisocial and rebellious. her family had just made a move or somthing of the sort, and she was depressed and becoming maladjusted.
apparently when she came home she was "a different person"
the parents were pleased, and for all that that works out nicely because of her important father, I think it highlights something important about camp too.
thats how we effect people.
I was basicaly the same, becoming maladjusted and antisocial, and was a bit depressed, and camp made me feel accepted and good about myself, so I was able to come into my own, feel less akward in my skin.
too be continued in Summer 3 ...
this may be a bit out of order, a bit squished up, and thing will be embelished, but it feels right.
this summer was great
last summer was a bit traumatic, about a week and half into it half of the staff got fired for drinking, mind you I was not part of that half simply because I had Room A that night (each night someone on program staff sleeps in Room A so that counselors can come get us if somthing is wrong with their campers)
our first week and a half went much more smoothly than that. we had a good staff this year.
Everyone had their quirks and inadequacies though.
working at camp is a unique expirience because you both live and work there.
There are some people who are good co workers but you could never live with them, and there are some people who you could live with but never work with, and there are some who you could both live and work with.
camp has all three sorts.
there's also a passive agressive aspect to the way staff deals with eachother (especialy program staff) because you can't always be direct about things, because you have to live with these people and being too direct could hurt the living situation.
the passive agressive-ness, and the little quirks and inadequacies may work in a bit later.
the various weeks were interesting.
one of the weeks we had an important persons child come up to camp, and we knew she was an important persons child (this was also the last year of our long time exectutive director so camps future is in doubt)
with this knowledge we decided we'd try to make her week especialy good, we try to make everyone's week great, but we were basicaly going to watch to make sure she was having a good time.
some crazy things happened, for instance someone in her tent spilled a drink in the cabin, and because we have bears up in tahoe they had to move tents.
and that week we also had a camper (jokingly I hope) threaten rape to one of her tnetmates, and ugg, it was just an insane week
so we weren't sure how the important persons child was, like how good a time she had had, because the week was generaly insane.
a few weeks later we found out that camp had seriously changed her attitude about everything
apparently before she came she was becoming sort of antisocial and rebellious. her family had just made a move or somthing of the sort, and she was depressed and becoming maladjusted.
apparently when she came home she was "a different person"
the parents were pleased, and for all that that works out nicely because of her important father, I think it highlights something important about camp too.
thats how we effect people.
I was basicaly the same, becoming maladjusted and antisocial, and was a bit depressed, and camp made me feel accepted and good about myself, so I was able to come into my own, feel less akward in my skin.
too be continued in Summer 3 ...
Monday, August 14, 2006
summer 1
This will take a while
and for that reason, this post is simply an introduction to my summer, and the posts which will describe it. I may go into too much detail at times, and someitmes I may not elaborate enough, but with any luck this will be a good representation of my summer, and all the joys events that took place durring it.
Summer Part One
(note, this will not all be seperated into nice even weeks, or into nice even days, because some of the summer runs together, but it will be somewhat cronological)
The first week was counselors training, I came a few days late because I had just gotten back from my sisters wedding. I started the week a bit tired
This years counselors weren't particularly good, they failed at many of the team building activites, and as one of the other people there put it "it is a rollercoaster of emotional whatever"
Durring counselors training I had hair down to my shoulders
the next week (or there abouts)
I got the sides of my head shaved and left the center, so I could have liberty spikes
around this time will got half his eyebrow shaved off.
there is a previous post about that
summer to be continued...
and for that reason, this post is simply an introduction to my summer, and the posts which will describe it. I may go into too much detail at times, and someitmes I may not elaborate enough, but with any luck this will be a good representation of my summer, and all the joys events that took place durring it.
Summer Part One
(note, this will not all be seperated into nice even weeks, or into nice even days, because some of the summer runs together, but it will be somewhat cronological)
The first week was counselors training, I came a few days late because I had just gotten back from my sisters wedding. I started the week a bit tired
This years counselors weren't particularly good, they failed at many of the team building activites, and as one of the other people there put it "it is a rollercoaster of emotional whatever"
Durring counselors training I had hair down to my shoulders
the next week (or there abouts)
I got the sides of my head shaved and left the center, so I could have liberty spikes
around this time will got half his eyebrow shaved off.
there is a previous post about that
summer to be continued...
I've found
Never try to start a weeklong relationship with anyone no matter how lovely amazing and awesome she is. In fact, the more awesome lovely and amazing she is, the more you shouldn't try it, because anytime you can only start a weeklong thing clearly it has to be over for some reason in a week, and if she's awesome lovely and amazing a week is all it takes to make you absolutly miserable for a good five days after you've left her.
ok, so its only really been like 8 hours, but it feels like five days.
and besides that she'll be in boston in 2 weeks
I should visit her soon, and that'll be great.
but then she's in boston.
this sucks.
makes me think of a line from a song by the format
"suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this, I fall in love far to quickly, I never want her to forget me, when you're gone please call."
ok, so its only really been like 8 hours, but it feels like five days.
and besides that she'll be in boston in 2 weeks
I should visit her soon, and that'll be great.
but then she's in boston.
this sucks.
makes me think of a line from a song by the format
"suddenly between sheets and eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this, I fall in love far to quickly, I never want her to forget me, when you're gone please call."
Monday, July 17, 2006
if it's any better
Well I haven't been posting all that much, but I'll have a month of downtime in which I won't know what to do with myself, so you'll be getting a crapload of posts then.
I suppose it would be a good time to update on how things are going. I am going to UCD in the fall, and I'm definately double majoring, and I recently went to my orientation and am SOOOOOOO much more sure of my feeling that davis was the place for me. I met some amazing people, pulled an all nighter, got all the classes i wanted. Simply put, it was amazing. There are some issues concerning an economics class I took last year. The grade reported on my transcript is not the grade I received, that is becoming more and more annoying to deal with. It should be fixed rather soon though.
It won't hurt my getting into Davis. (if I can help it).
On a lighter note, I got to hang out with one of my friends last weekend. I hadn't seen her in a while, and that was very nice to hang out. One of my other friends may also be taking a trip up here, so that would be wonderful.
I don't feel like going into details about hanging out with Julie (last weekend), but it was wonderful, I'll prolly update on it later when i have more time.
I am in love with Davis, and I wish it would start the Day after I was done working up here in Tahoe. I will feel so stagnate durring that month of downtime. I'll have to go visit all my friends to keep from feeling useless. On the upside (assuming he doesnt have to go back to his regular job) one of the guys I work with up here and I might take a trip around CA, San Diego to Chico, and chill with friends on the way.
Thats an exciting Idea. We may have to postpone it for a year or two, but if we do it this summer that would be supurb.
I'm excited for school, and my band should have a show in august. I'm also definately going to get a longboard skateboard before going off to Davis, because its just such a good idea, ahha.
I've been rambling about davis all week.
also, while at orrientation, I realized how often i bring biology into conversations. It is actualy ratehr sad. It's almost like I look for an excuse to bring biology into it. Thankfully, I am resigned to the fact that i am an uncureable biology nerd.
Go Davis
Aggie Pride
I suppose it would be a good time to update on how things are going. I am going to UCD in the fall, and I'm definately double majoring, and I recently went to my orientation and am SOOOOOOO much more sure of my feeling that davis was the place for me. I met some amazing people, pulled an all nighter, got all the classes i wanted. Simply put, it was amazing. There are some issues concerning an economics class I took last year. The grade reported on my transcript is not the grade I received, that is becoming more and more annoying to deal with. It should be fixed rather soon though.
It won't hurt my getting into Davis. (if I can help it).
On a lighter note, I got to hang out with one of my friends last weekend. I hadn't seen her in a while, and that was very nice to hang out. One of my other friends may also be taking a trip up here, so that would be wonderful.
I don't feel like going into details about hanging out with Julie (last weekend), but it was wonderful, I'll prolly update on it later when i have more time.
I am in love with Davis, and I wish it would start the Day after I was done working up here in Tahoe. I will feel so stagnate durring that month of downtime. I'll have to go visit all my friends to keep from feeling useless. On the upside (assuming he doesnt have to go back to his regular job) one of the guys I work with up here and I might take a trip around CA, San Diego to Chico, and chill with friends on the way.
Thats an exciting Idea. We may have to postpone it for a year or two, but if we do it this summer that would be supurb.
I'm excited for school, and my band should have a show in august. I'm also definately going to get a longboard skateboard before going off to Davis, because its just such a good idea, ahha.
I've been rambling about davis all week.
also, while at orrientation, I realized how often i bring biology into conversations. It is actualy ratehr sad. It's almost like I look for an excuse to bring biology into it. Thankfully, I am resigned to the fact that i am an uncureable biology nerd.
Go Davis
Aggie Pride
Monday, July 03, 2006
so I'm not a melancholic dork, really I'm not
I never intended this to be an online journal or a place to post random thoughts, but I fear that that may be what it's becoming.
If that gets to be a bit tedious I apologize and will definitely go back to my old random semi-entertaining postings.
but here goes.
"It's not a monumental revelation of anything, but every relationships you (or rather I) have with a female has some aspect of sexuality to it. Given, it's not always, in fact not usually, the foremost aspect, it is always there. Now if we wanted to get all psychological about this I could incite Freudian logic, but I will avoid that.
I don't know what this has to do with it, but I enjoy the company of girls more. I don't know how much of that is purely the general male demographic of where I live, I think it's mostly because I just like girls more. I would use women, but let's face it, at 18 I'm not likely to be hanging out with anyone who fits the title woman. One odd thing about hanging out mostly with girls is that some f your actions become more feminine, or at least more adrogynous. So while you are hanging out with girls partially with the intention of getting laid, the direction in which your sexual interest pints, comes into doubt.
I want somebody to love.
that isn't really along the lines of what I was saying before. But its one of the few things I'm completely sure of. I'm always up for getting some (with a few exceptions) but that's just a physical biological issue. The want for companionship runs deeper.
I understand that people similar to me (as far as Jungian types are concerned) tend to be dissatisfied with their relational status, but I'm rather sure this isn't just general dissatisfaction.
I.... I get this pitted feeling, this holeishness, this empty feeling when I think of how along I really am, and how far away I am from love of any other sort than friendly. I Know this sounds much like a melancholic rant and to some extent it is, but melancholic rants stick in our heads, grab onto our synapses like barbs. 'to be or not to be' is the perfect example. No more melancholic soliloquy is so propagated. So I don't think it's bad to have this melancholic soliloquy written down.
and what is more appealing than unrequited love? Those who are loved can mock and laugh, or joy at how they are no longer in the same situation, those who aren't can comisterate or drop into denial. But I sup[pose this isn't really a case of unrequited love. I don't really have a particular possible lover in mind. I have potentials, but no particular. I guess I just over think things."
When I'm jealous, I don't think its specific jealousy. For instance, if I am jealous when I see a couple holding hands in public it isn't because I want that particular girl (though obviously to some extent that's a factor) its because I want to be in that situation.
anywell.
If that gets to be a bit tedious I apologize and will definitely go back to my old random semi-entertaining postings.
but here goes.
"It's not a monumental revelation of anything, but every relationships you (or rather I) have with a female has some aspect of sexuality to it. Given, it's not always, in fact not usually, the foremost aspect, it is always there. Now if we wanted to get all psychological about this I could incite Freudian logic, but I will avoid that.
I don't know what this has to do with it, but I enjoy the company of girls more. I don't know how much of that is purely the general male demographic of where I live, I think it's mostly because I just like girls more. I would use women, but let's face it, at 18 I'm not likely to be hanging out with anyone who fits the title woman. One odd thing about hanging out mostly with girls is that some f your actions become more feminine, or at least more adrogynous. So while you are hanging out with girls partially with the intention of getting laid, the direction in which your sexual interest pints, comes into doubt.
I want somebody to love.
that isn't really along the lines of what I was saying before. But its one of the few things I'm completely sure of. I'm always up for getting some (with a few exceptions) but that's just a physical biological issue. The want for companionship runs deeper.
I understand that people similar to me (as far as Jungian types are concerned) tend to be dissatisfied with their relational status, but I'm rather sure this isn't just general dissatisfaction.
I.... I get this pitted feeling, this holeishness, this empty feeling when I think of how along I really am, and how far away I am from love of any other sort than friendly. I Know this sounds much like a melancholic rant and to some extent it is, but melancholic rants stick in our heads, grab onto our synapses like barbs. 'to be or not to be' is the perfect example. No more melancholic soliloquy is so propagated. So I don't think it's bad to have this melancholic soliloquy written down.
and what is more appealing than unrequited love? Those who are loved can mock and laugh, or joy at how they are no longer in the same situation, those who aren't can comisterate or drop into denial. But I sup[pose this isn't really a case of unrequited love. I don't really have a particular possible lover in mind. I have potentials, but no particular. I guess I just over think things."
When I'm jealous, I don't think its specific jealousy. For instance, if I am jealous when I see a couple holding hands in public it isn't because I want that particular girl (though obviously to some extent that's a factor) its because I want to be in that situation.
anywell.
Saturday, July 01, 2006
half an eyebrow anyone?
So one of the dishboys just got half of his left eyebrow shaven off. It was either that or 163 nut scope tosses.
(definition of nut scope- both players sit oposite ends of the staff lounge, and underhand toss a bottle of scope towards the other persons nuts [testicles])
He got hit 4 times out of 20. Needless to say, playing nut scope hurts.
We have a film of will (the dishboy) getting his eyebrow half shaved off by one of the assistant cooks.
It is hilarious. He looks like he is in so much pain, but he is laughing extremely hard.
He jumped at the chance to get both of his eye brows shaved off. But the possibility of never having his eyebrows grow back moved him down to getting half shaved off.
Father (the guy who runs camp) might not notice will's half eyebrow because of my impending blue liberty spikes.
P.S. I got the mohawk, the spikes didn't work out too well because my hair was too long, so wer trimmed it and just put it into a normal mohawk, I'm sure i'll have pictures soon. I'm going to cut it even shorter though so I don't have to deal with the anoyingness of putting it up.
Sorry for the sparse, not that great, posts I've been really busy. There should be more posts this next week as I have the week off.
Later.
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