Sunday, April 12, 2009

a conundrum.

I do write every day, but the timestamp changes at midnight. I'm writing saturday's post right now. Saturday was good. I enjoyed the weather and the music and the nighttime. I don't have much to say though. That doesn't happen to me often. Being at a lack for words isn't a state I've often found myself in.

So tonight I went on a date. It was nice, the fellow I went out with was very nice and rather cute. I don't know how I feel about it because the whole time, and for most of the last week, and the week before that, and if I'm not mistaken the week before that I haven't been able to get this girl out of my head. I've tried. I've tried more intensely now that I've found that she's going out with this guy that she was tentatively with earlier. That paradox where trying to forget something makes you remember it took effect.

I don't like it when this sort of thing happens. I like the sweet joy of infatuation, but not the sting of unrequited love. I don't have any idea why she's gotten stuck in my head. I'll do my best to excise the thought, but it's not coming out.

I feel like telling her that. Just a simple "I can't get you out of my head" but I know the question that follows that, "what does that mean" and frankly I'm not ready to answer that. Best case scenario is she leaves the guy she's seeing and runs off with me, worst case she's horribly offput by it and then I don't ever see her again. The best way to play it is just to keep in touch and keep trying to hang out with other people and get her off my mind. If I can't seem to manage then I guess I'll just have to either grow some balls or live in limbo.

I miss when things were simple. I feel fine about myself right now. That's important. I feel more ok than I have in ages. I feel like I'm in a good place, and the only thing that's really bothering me is that when I go to sleep I feel cold and alone.

Of course I need to try to avoid giving in to my generally co-dependent tendencies, but besides that, it would be good for me to not fall asleep alone anymore. I'm tired of it, and there's just something about this girl that sticks to me. That just happens sometimes. It's not any one thing, just something get's lodged in my brain and I can't shake it.

I don't really know what I'm going to do, and I don't want to keep playing the field and having dates that I enjoy, but am not fully there for. I guess I'll figure it out eventually, but for now I'm stuck.

1 comment:

Eve Noir said...

Yeah, I wouldn't suggest telling this girl "You're stuck in my head." I think that may kinda freak her out. Do you know if she has any feelings for you?'re right, it's a tricky situation, especially if she's seeing another guy now. Maybe you could say something more subtle to her. Give it some more thought & let us know what you decide to do.

BTW: I feel your pain...I tend to get stuff (be it people, situations, songs!) stuck in my head quite often. It's a not-so-good thing most the times...cuz all your energy is focused on that one thing.