Thursday, April 02, 2009

on being Awkward

I seriously considered deleting the last post. I don't know how much stuff I want about me out on the net, but that's not really the concern that is most important. Lovelorn writing is rarely interesting. That's why sonnets get boring after a while. Being infatuated is all consuming but I don't think that I should write about it.

The problem with writing every day is how much mood and emotion make my writing. If I've been happy all day then my writing will be a certain way. If I've been pissed off all day it will be another way. Even now that I'm taking drugs to keep myself less dependent on moods, and now that I have largely unhinged my life from the sway of my ups and downs, I still end up writing based on my emotions.

It's hard to remove oneself from all that when writing something. I can't ever be objective, and it's hard to write even about this connectivity while I have something else on my mind. I don't need to write another post about how I'm tired of being alone and would love to have a partner in all this. I've written that post far too many times already. What I need is to get my mind off the whole subject. If only I could turn myself into a ascetic. If only I could just focus on God, or on enlightenment, or even just on art.

All this other stuff is trouble. Love, and Relations with other human beings. I'm no good at nuance, and I'm no good at the varied things people do to start relationships. I don't even know what those things are. All my techniques are for the most part useless and/or juvenile. Mixtapes though sweet don't engender attachment. Letters are not a good idea, as I've found many times. I am at a loss.

There are more and more of those situations for me now that I have the sanity to pay attention to them. Now that I've started to really deal with my head, I have time to see my other shortcomings, and I find them to be rather great. I'm a very nice person, but I don't have tact, I'm very bad at certain types of nuance, and when people ask questions I answer them literally whether or not it's appropriate.

I'm fixing as much as I can, but some of it's just me. I'm always so awkward and it works to a certain extent but I just don't know how to get around it.

Someone said to me that awkward people are probably a bit better off because everyone's awkward those people who aren't are just hiding it behind techniques and facades. I think she was right about that. That's why I'm ok with being awkward, but it does make things hard sometimes.

In my social life, I have a lot of work to do. I connect with people in interesting ways, but I find myself unable to really have any control over what I'm doing. The connections I make are made without my intention, and the way I go about all of this is just a reaction. I don't have a plan, and if I did I don't think I'd be able to implement it.

I wish I had a plan, and could put it to work, and get results. But I'm at the whim of my awkwardity and the flow of time. I'm at the whim of fate if you will. It's not a happy place to be. I just want to get a few things right.

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