I went out tonight. It was nice. I got out of classes, came home and then looked at an apartment with my bandmate. The place was nice. I think it'd be a good place to live in next year. After that we played some music, and then we went over to the apartment where our other two memebers live and played even more music. After that it was off to a show that was alright and a poetry reading that was great for the one poet I went inside for. I spent more time out in the front smoking with interesting people. I smoked more cigarettes today than I have in a while. It's a social activity, and I just like having something between my fingers like that.
I can do without it, but It feels good. All the while I heard a line from this song by a band All Get Out. They're rather good, and the song is "Wasting all my breath" The line that kept coming up had do do with "wasting all my breath on cigarettes".
It artfully brought up that little death wish that drives one to smoke. There're other things that appeal to smoking, but other than oral fixation, they aren't that big. I have been smoking less and less though. I find it a little gross, and I don't do it habitually anymore. It's mostly just at parties. I've already explained when I started. It's basically how I got over my ex girlfirend who I was in love with. It took cigarettes and time and was happening inconvieniently while I was having one of my breakdowns.
That brings up more stuff though. I've been a lot of things. I've been an EMT, and I've been crazy, and I've been kicked out of school, and I've written many a thing, and I'm a musician. I've been in love, and I've gone on bike trips that lasted a few hundred miles. I've lived in Japan, and in the mountains. My life has been very full for someone of 21. Age isn't really a way to judge these things of course, but if we want to think in terms of how much one should have experienced by twenty one, I've exceeded the threshold.
I don't know what this really means. It means I've got more stories than most people do, but it also means that I've got a more cynical view than a lot of people. I've been in a lot of situations, and because of the staes I've been in while in those situations I have some serious deficits. I take things literally far to often. I'm bad at certain types of nuance, I don't have tact. These aren't all horrible problems, but they are noticeable. I'm on drugs that relatively few people take. I'm part of a long history of interesting people who created great things and died young old and inbetween.
I'm someone who's had a few lives in these past few years. I don't know exactly how it happened, and I couldn't have planned it. It doesn't feel like I've only been in Davis for 3 years. I feel like I'm older than I am. My joints creak, and the world looks a little dimmer than it used to. My brain doesn't always recall things the way I'd like it too, and I have all this wealth of experience to draw from, and yet I've only really had most of this life experience in the span of three or four years.
I don't care about time, because it doesn't organise properly in my brain. I don't have a good representation of my childhood, and I have an over representation of the last few years, but somehow it just doesn't feel right to be true to the time lock when it isn't time that's done this to me. The crazy don't live in the same linear time everyone else seems to. I can't do anything about it but be.
That sounds so weird, and a little pretentious, but I just don't feel like I'm hinged to time the way everyone else. I'm not real in the present all the time, and the past is huge. I have been for so long, and people think I'm older than I am. Sure some of it's the beard, but I identify with people who have a longer span of life behind them, and people who have older references. I am not of my generation, I am not of any generation. I don't know what that means, just that I don't quite fit. I can't reconcile my experience of time with the quantifiable aspects of it.