Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Who am I

I'm sure it's been noticed, but I have a tendency to be a little long winded. In my responses to people and my statements about things, I tend to speak over the necessary length. I tend to feel that more details are necessary than everyone else seems to. I'm not sure what to make of that.

Something else as of late that's been coming to my attention more and more, is how literal I've become. I take so many things literally, and I just don't catch nuance the way I used to. I don't know why that is. Perhaps since I haven't as many things going on in my head the track that once was devoted to nuance is no longer active.

It's hard to figure out, and I'm not worried enough about it to do some serious exploration, but I have been taking things very literally far too often lately. Of course some of this is based on my bandmates tendency to over generalise and a few of his verbal quirks.

The way we interact with others tells us so much.

This is entirely unrelated, but I'm not sure what to refer to myself as. Labels never seem to work quite right. Of course I'm bipolar, but that doesn't quite cover it, and then there's the bisexual bit, but that also doesn't do it. If we add in the musician bit, I'm still not covered, and then we add the writer bit (and I call myself a writer because I write ever day, and try to produce something). That also falls short. So we can go with more general terms, such as Californian, but I'm not like the most of the rest of California, having been from the far north of the state. I also am not like most estado unidensens. I lived in Japan when I was little, but I'm not Japanese. So perhaps we can define me by some heritage aspect. So I'm English, French, German, Chezch and Irish. None of those quite cover it either.

The fact is I can't figure out how to quantify myself. Anytime I've tried to really figure out who I am, I've come up short. Usually I don't bother with the labels and generalisations, but they work well as an example of not fitting into the mould. Of course no one really does, but some fit better than others. The point is that I can't figure out who I am.

I've been trying for a while and the complex answer hasn't gotten any clearer. I'm ok with having a difficult answer to the question, I'm not as ok with having no answer. One would hope that having been in so many situations would give one more data about how I react to situations. It hasn't I've been in the worst and the best of much of human existence, and yet I don't have any idea who I am because some of that worst and best was part of me and some of it was whatever malady I'm suffering from.

Just the role of drugs in my life is a difficult thing to figure out.

I Just sort of want to know who I am. And I don't yet.


Eve Noir said...

Yes, I have the tendency to be long winded too. And I don't know why either. (It's not necessarily a bad thing, I even got complimented on it's just who you are.) I've tried to change it but again, it's who I am.

How long have you been taking psychiatric medication? I've only been on it since December 2003. Yet, I always knew 'something' made me different from other people.
Take care~

patch615 said...

I've only been on my current medication (seroquel) for about 5 or 6 months, but I have taken other things for depression and OCD, The OCD hasn't been a problem since doing CBT so don't need the SSRIs for that anymore. when I was on it for depression bupropion threw me into a mania.

I've just noticed such a drastic difference while I've been on these meds. It helps that my dad is bipolar as well, so we knew that I might be a bad lithium responder, and that seroquel was working for him.

Basically I got lucky by being a psych major, and by having family experience.

I'm hoping that it'll keep working, because I've been better in these last few months than I had been in the 3 years preceding them.

Eve Noir said...

Very interesting because I am currently taking Seroquel also (and Klonopin & Celexa). I've been on S since October 2007 & had taken it briefly in the past as well. I have SEVERE insomnia & that drug seems to be the only one working for me right now...though it is a bipolar drug (as you know).
I took Zyprexa for a long time (for sleep) but weaned myself off it & ended up in the hospital. I did this without telling my doctor.

My dad has never been diagnosed as bipolar but I'm pretty sure he is. It's sad because his side of the family is pretty f-ed I know I probably got some of his crazy genes!

I was also a psych major (only had a year left to get my degree). But I'm still fascinated with it & human behavior in general. Don't think I'd want to be a shrink though...maybe lab work. Good luck to you with your studies!

And also good luck on staying well like you have for the past 3 months! Oh, and BTW: I don't know what a CBT is?

Eve Noir said...

Forgot-Oh, what kind of changes have you noticed?

And, I took Lithium for a short amount of time (less than a year) and within several months, it really screwed up my system. Didn't respond well to that. So I've been doing fine on just those 3 meds I've mentioned.

patch615 said...

Yea, it's extremely sedating. My drummer is on it for insomnia too. Only thing that's worked for him. It's a side effect based on it's agitation of the H1 Histamine receptors. A very nice side effect if I do say so myself.
Getting to this drug took a few years of going on drugs and going off them and going to therapy and then ditching it, and going to school then dropping out of it, and getting jobs then getting fired. I definitely understand the whole doing things without medical direction. That's the story of the last few years.

My dad's side of the family is pretty fucked up too. lot's of alcoholism, serious mental illness stuff with my grandma and a whole bunch of other indicators. Pretty standard fare for folks like us. At the least it makes for interesting family stories. Though it's very nice to be breaking the cycle, or at least modifying it. Here's to hoping both of us manage to keep the family going better.
I'm not interested in much clinical either. Plan on doing research, just seems so interesting. Of course I may end up doing clinical studies, so that's good. Those usually work really nicely because I'll just be doing the research, but being in the study gets the people simple, nearly free treatment.

Thanks for the good luck wishes. CBT is cognitive behavioural therapy. It's one of the viable treatments for OCD. worked well enough that I didn't need the fluoxotine anymore.

The new drugs have given me a few different nice changes. My thoughts move at a manageable pace, I can actually sleep at night, I'm not aggitated and energetic all the time. I haven't been worried about going into a depression or a mania. Basically I just feel more normal. I can pay attention better, and do work better, and instead of having to be inspired to do something I can just but work into it and something will happen.

It's nice not being thrown about on the uncertainty of mood. That's really the change that's made the most difference. It's worth the indigestion and occasional lapse of congnition.