Wednesday, April 01, 2009

I'm not very good at this.

I'm running into one of the problems with keeping a journal on the internet; I can't write about romantic shit without it possibly getting read by the very people I'm writing about. There are pluses and minuses to that. I could use it as a way of passively writing a letter of affection and so avoid rejection. The minuses are more of an issue tonight though. I have someone I can't get out of my mind. I'll not say who because I've a feeling that'd be a mistake, (which brings up another problem, what if this message gives someone false hope)

When I get infatuated I get and urge to make grand romantic gestures and to write letters. I've written many very stupid, stupid, ill advised letters. I've not delivered all of them, thank the gods, but that still leaves the ones I did deliver. Those letters were bad ideas. It's always too much. The love letter (its not love, but infatuation letter doesn't have the same ring) is the bane of the sensitive male's existence. It kills affection and keeps one from finding whatever attraction may have been lurking under the surface.

I can't get this person out of my head, I don't want to give false hope to anyone else, but I don't know if the person is available or interested and finding out takes time and I just don't want to fucking wait. If I just have patience things might work out, but that's the thing, I spent a long time being patient, a long lonely time, and I don't really feel like it anymore.

I've been tired of being alone for almost as long as I've been alone, and when I find someone who I can talk to, who is interesting and kind and keeps me engaged I want to get started right away. I don't want to wait for our paths to cross, I don't want to wait for the normal course of things to work out, because I'm so excited for what could be, and so scared that if I don't get going I'll loose my chance.

That's the flurry that's rushing around my head. There've been plenty of songs about it. I don't feel like adding to the omnibus. A line that comes to mind (though I don't want to set myself up for the same end result) "When I'm stable long enough, I start to look around for love, See a sweet and floral print, My mind begins the arrangements, But when I start to feel that pull, Turns out I just pulled myself, She would never go with me, Were I the last girl on earth"

The chorus (hopefully) doesn't fit my situation, but I gotta say, Rivers Cuomo tends to write songs that fit really well for me. *the song is Pink Triangle*

Anyhow. I may make another, less lovelorn post, but It will be at another time likely.

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