Thursday, April 09, 2009

Still settling in.

New drugs don't equal perfect neurochemistry. Of course that statement is obvious, but one doesn't expect the actual effects of that truth. I guess I should have realised earlier, but a new set of drugs doesn't mean complete removal of symptoms. The thing that made all this apparent was my despondent mood most of last night.

I don't like that I'll still on occasion have horrible moods for absolutely no reason. Of course I don't know how much of it is because of the world genuinely sucking and how much is from my chemistry, but I'm awfully tempted to blame chemistry considering the whole character of the despondency.

The real question here is just about what my continued life is going to be like. I still don't fully know. I know how much better things are, but sometimes the inability to think in the same way, and the loss of manias just irks me. Now that I realise that sometimes I'll get little bouts of unwarranted sadness as well, I'm not as pleased with my situation. I'll keep on with the drugs, and I'll keep living a bit better than I had, but I still have my doubts.

In a related note, I'm going to quit smoking. I don't really smoke very much as it is, but when I feel really fucking bad about something, the best option is to smoke. I have a few cigarettes and I feel better. It's not a happiness thing, it's just a coping thing. I know that If I keep it up though I'll end up just being a smoker like any other. I have one more cigarette in the pack I've got, and I'll smoke it, and then I'm done. I've said this before, but frankly I was in a much different mental state at the time. What I need to do now is figure out another way to cope. Of course I have other coping mechanisms, but that oral fixation, and the plugging of my nicotonic receptors is a great way of dealing with things.

I'm changing. It's gradual, this getting used to being the drugged me. I'm getting used to being a little more predictable, and a little crankier over time. I'm getting used to being less able to pick up nuance, and to track someone's use of nonspecific referents (saying those people to refer to some group earlier referenced by name)

Of course these deficits aren't all drugs, the inability to pick up on certain nuance is just one of my normal problems, and the referents problem seems to only happen with my bandmate who tends to generalise all over the place. I'm fine with generalisation I just need referents to be clear. people isn't specific enough. He'd expect me to understand these things and I seem like I'm being anal when I ask for clarity, but I really don't understand. It's hard.

I'm not sure if I made that problem clear in the last paragraph, so it may not be understood, but I don't feel like trying to explain it better.

I just need to keep getting used to everything. I'm tired of having to get used to it on my own. I have my band which is wonderful, but that's not the sort of partnership that would make this whole process better. The only person who's seemed fitting for such a role is with someone else. It's so much harder to do everything on one's own. That's anotehr problem with all this. I'm not so good at all the courting and the finding someone to share shit with. Maybe I'll figure it out eventually, but It's hard to figure that stuff out as well as get used to myself.

It's a bit of a catch 22, To get used to myself it would be helpful to have someone as a partner, but to get someone as a partner I have to be more used to myself.

That's one of those problems that's bothering me now. I do prefer this problem to the possibility that I'd feel so horrible I'd want to take my own life. I'd rather this than to feel as bad as I've felt, but it's sad that I have to compare it to such horrid things in order to feel better about it.

1 comment:

Eve Noir said...

I know what you mean by having horrible moods. But then I think of what's also been going on in my life & the drugs as well, and think maybe I wasn't so "moody." This happened a month back where I was really out of my element & basically exploded verbally to one of my closest friends. (I plan to write about it so I'll cut to the chase here.) It's hard to know if it's more the drug...or just the world sucking, as you said.

Good for you for trying to stop smoking. I know it's hard because many family/friends have tried & lots have failed.

I really think you need to be somewhat happy with yourself to have a serious relationship. It wouldn't be very nice to the other person. And it probably wouldn't help you either in the end. Hm...

Yes, anything is better than thinking suicidal thoughts. I try not to think about what would happen if I stopped my drugs/they stopped working for me...just one day at a time, right?
Have a good holiday weekend~