Ambivalence

About half of my favourite posts start out without any purpose. I just start writing, and what comes out is essentially the rough draft/brain-storm that I make when writing papers.

I don't know why I like that so much, letting my convoluted thoughts be an end product.

That convolutedness has always been a problem for me. The severity of the problem varies greatly, but sometimes it's simply too much. Too many thoughts swirl about in my head, and the torrent created is capable of washing me out to sea.

That's why my interest in this convoluted, jumpy, writing style as an end product surprises me. For all the harm that the quick, heavy, and unstoppable flow of thoughts causes, I still am mesmerised by it.

That's true of so much. Ambivalence is a more prominent emotion for me than hate or love. There is so often this measure of both. So I love and hate the way my mind works. The way the cogs mesh, the way the thoughts spread, I love and hate that. I cannot seem to decide if it's a good thing or a bad thing, because maybe it's both.