Sunday, January 11, 2009

I've lost patience

I'm not sure how many hours it was, but I yesterday I simply slept. I didn't do much else. I sat down and played guitar, and then I layed down playing guitar, and then I fell asleep in that state. I put everything away when I woke up an hour or so afterwards and got myself actually ready for bed. I've just woken up, and I think it's at least 12 hours after I first drifted off.

Of course the evening before was a busy one, but I can't say sleeping more feels like a good sign. I've said it before, but even when things are good I worry, waiting for the other shoe to drop.

So that's where I am. I feel alright, but tired. there are more things I have to deal with than I'd like, and I really just want to be done with so many of the things required to live in the modern world. If I had only to go out in my fields and work every day, I could do it, and I doubt I'd complain, but that I have to pay bills, and have to fill forms, and have to organise things into arbitrary categories puts me on an unusual edge.

I'm sure most people with temperaments similar to mine have had this sort of thought. To just drop everything and get the fuck out. Maybe just go and live out in the woods, with nothing to worry about because the only person you deal with is yourself.

in your mania there's nothing you can do but throw yourself into your work or thrash out against the trees. There is no risk of creating debt or of driving oneself into further and further problems. When depressed one would do the exact same things one did before. It wouldn't matter that you didn't feel like leaving the bed. If you needed food you would be forced to get up and find some. The things you do would not be of serious consequence, and you would have no illusions about them being so.

We live in a world where we are told taht each of us has an effect on things. We each are responsible for making the world a better or worse place, and each of us has a choice in this matter. Everything we do is supposed to be in service to that. I have no such delusions. If perhaps what I write or what music I play gets a following I'll make a mark, but I don't presume everyone will. there are many forgotten people and realising that makes doing all of the extra things, the bills and forms, all the more pointless.

I suppose I just don't want to put up with all of these things that don't enrich my life, or make a mark on the world I'll leave behind. I have lost patience with the worlds pointless machinations. with bureaucracy and it's agents, With popularity, and fashion, with trends and the internet. I have lost patience with the world. When all I do has no real, or at least no long term, consequence, I see no reason in doing it.

I'll likely still deal with all of the forms and bills and bullshit that comes along with them, but while before I held this view I now will hold it with more fervour. I will put real effort into things which matter. The things I care about are going to be the things I feel I can actually make any sort of difference with, and if time ever conspires to give me only the space in which to do the pointless, I will slough off some of that responsibility until my world is free enough that I can do what I want.

I just want to be a person untethered by the world's invisible constraints.

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