I've been trying to plan posts for this blog, but I've started to find that planning them doesn't always work so well. I write throughout the day in my notebooks and I have all these ideas flowing through my head, so I automatically thing perhaps the best thing to do is use them as fodder for this here blog. truth is though that I get a little bored writing about whatever my set topic is. I sort of have to wait for some passion to overtake me.
When I write essays, (research papers excluded) I sit down and write however many pages the essay is supposed to be. I don't take a break, or refer to sources, or make an outline, I just write. Things come out in odd ways. Poorly constructed sentences and convoluted ideas, but damn do some great things come out too.
It's only after I've done this that I really know what my paper is about. I have to just write and see what piques my fancy in order to really know what's going on. The fact of the matter is that I've gotten so used to writing as a method of self discovery that deciding what to write about before hand just seems silly. The writing IS the deciding what to write about.
I realise today that I was a bit worried about avoiding retreads. I tend to have the same theme in my head most of the time, This whole question of how much of me is up to me and how much do I have no control over? The problem is that when I write about these things the same shit comes out.
I don't mind gradually finding out where I stand, and finding out how much of me seems to have basis in illness or biology, and how much I can change, but I don't like writing the same damn thing over and over.
I though of a few different methods to get away from just talking about that topic, but I think there may not be a way to escape it. Everyone seems to have questions that show up throughout their writing (anyone who writes anyway). It's a very modernist thing, that whole overarching Meta-narrative. I don't feel like totally eschewing that in a post-modernist cold rage, but I don't feel like that is the best use of my work. I'm just not sure how to avoid it.
Even in post-modernist works you see the writer's obsessions leaking through. I know that that is bound to happen, I just want it to happen interestingly.
A five page rant on how worried I am that I have no control over my existence isn't the sort of thing I aim to produce. I don't actually have an aim. That's the point. I don't have a singular story to tell, or a singular bone to pick. Just by virtue of being my work various interests of mine and things about me will seep through, music, manic-depression, bisexuality, and any myriad of other things, but I don't want them to be the focus of my work. I don't let them define me, so why should I focus on them.
If I look at a topic I look at it as who I am. It is impossible for me to be objective, as is the case for everyone, so all of these little bits of what occur in my life will show up. I guess I just want to try for something different. Something outside of personal narrative, but away from overarching allegory.
It seems though that like with everything else, I'll have to write to find out what I really think about that. I'll have to write to find out how to move away from meta-narrative, and away from memoir without making the story uninteresting.
That's really what this blog is, I am writing to find things out. If people read I am appreciative, but ultimately I write for elucidation. My ideas are only ideas, I don't hold any serious claim to them. If others have input I want it, if others can help me see things from another perspective I want that help, but I am here to find things out. Nothing less, and not very much more.