Saturday, January 17, 2009


Some habits you just have to stick with. Like waking up early. It's so much harder to do if you don't keep it up on weekends. That's how a certain form of organised writing is for me. It's never difficult to write, and I do so every day, it's only hard to get it put down in some sort of order. I'm great at writing things in a flurry of inspiration, but sitting down to write in some concerted way is a task requiring discipline.

It's a good discipline to have, and one that separates all of those people who are "working on a book" from people who write for a living.
That's the trick. There is something about a person who's willing to go full in to some task that is useful in just about every field. It is the musician who plays music all the time who is the best, and the footballer who plays football all the time who's best. So besides this natural or engendered skill that one has predisposition towards there is also the skill of discipline.

It's an interesting way to think of the interrelation between various factors going into someone's success.

I only write about this because I sometimes doubt my discipline. There is so much nebulousness and tumult in my world that ordering it into some simulacrum of normal is ridiculously difficult. I'm getting better at it, but I'm only getting better at it in this relatively sane state, which is far from normal for me. I haven't felt this normal in years, and that is something very odd to say when I've only been here twenty years.

I've thought many times that I've lived more in this short stretch than most people have, and that thought hasn't seemed too ostentatious even as my life settles into more normal channels.

essentially now that my life is settling down, and now that I'm finally dealing with the problems that have defined my last two years I have to figure out some of who I am again. The things I do because I enjoy them, or simply because I must don't have an explanation in my mind. I no longer know which of my traits is mine, and this is the time that I'm figuring that out. I don't know if I'm essentially an undisciplined person because all of my past evidence has been thrown into doubt. That's true of many of my qualities, and though the exploration is daunting, it's also exciting. I can find out who I am, and maybe I can also change who I am. That's a proposition few people are presented with, and I get to be in this unique place.

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