Friday, January 02, 2009

a neglectful streak.

I'm sure this is true of other people too, but I have neglectful streaks. I've not found that I'm neglectful toward certain things more than others, It's just something that I do from time to time. I don't much like that side of me, but I've learned to live with it. I can sometimes prod myself out of the weird apathy that sparks these neglects.

I have a feeling it has something to do with my mood fluctuations, though I'm reluctant to blame everything on that because of the risk that perhaps it's a more personal flaw. That's the real issue I have with being all manic-depressive; I can never be sure which of my failings are really a fault of mine, and which are just a cruel twist of chemistry. I suppose if I wanted to be more philisophical I could look at everything as a cruel twist of chemistry, but I can't stand those people who are very focused on "woe is me"

I understand venting about ones problems and dealing with them in creative ways, but wallowing isn't something I have particular sympathy for. That's part of why I've been trying to fight this neglectful streak that pops up. I've decided that I need to take responsibility for everything again, even if I know it's probably not something I can solve without medication. It's more a mindset issue than an actual changing of things. I don't think that I'll fix any of the problems I have just by taking responsibility for them, but I figure that doing so makes me more likely to change those things I can, and get help for those I can't.

That's something I've always been bad at, getting help for things. I don't entirely know why. I could try to figure it out here, but I haven't the desire to bore you today, at least not yet that is.

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